Consequent to an excess of (Shredded) Wheat Substances which were consumed with Gusto by myself in the early hours of this morning (26 March 2002), I have spent several otherwise valuable hours of today in a totally unscheduled Coma.
The Wheat Substances in question come in boxes (or cartons). Within the insides of these boxes (or cartons) there are 6 packets of Wheat Squares, although they are not, in truth, Squares at all. They are 3-dimensional packets (of 3) equally 3-dimensional pieces of Solid Shredded Wheat which are shaped like bars of Cussons Imperial Leather Soap (Bath Size), and which taste slightly better (or worse) than that product, but not much.
The cartons (or boxes) are freely available in most kitchen cupboards, as long as someone remembers to replenish supplies when existing stocks are at Danger! level, which is what happened recently with the so-called ‘Cornflakes’ product when we completely ran out of then existing reserves (of Cornflakes).
One of the major problem areas associated with Shredded Wheat is the packaging strategy employed by the manufacturer as described more than adequately above. The product is marketed on the basis that it’s practically impossible to eat 3 Shredded wheat in one sitting, even if you are very hungry or Godzilla.
However, the wheat(s) is (are) wrapped in threes (or triumvirates, as the Romans used to call their Breakfast Cereal) so the weaker members of society will always be stricken with temptation at the prospect of eating a Forbidden Third Wheat.
Furthermore, it actually says on the wrapper as follows Bet you can’t Eat Three which is legally a prima facie example of conspiracy to incite to eat more than two (but less than 4) Shredded Wheats.
Another major problem with this product is that it doesn’t really taste that good. Whether this taste shortfall is due to the bits of Cardboard which are mixed in with the wheat during the smelting process, I just don’t know. Anyway, the only way to eat Shredded Wheat is to completely cover the wheat with Honey and then to add Lots of Milk.
If I make this sound easy to you, that is because I have had years of experience in the Food Industry as a Consumer (Literally).
This fateful morning, I had already eaten the optimum 2 Shredded Wheats when I was tempted, for the first time since Sunday, to eat a sinful third according to the wishes of the manufacturer, Nestle, who became famous for Instant Coffee but didn’t stick to coffee like they should have done.
Nestle have gone into Cereal Partnership with a General Mills, who probably has known links with the CIA which is probably using the company as a ‘front’ for so-called essential reasons of state-sponsored officialdom.
Unfortunately (for me) I failed to cover the entire surface area of the Third Shredded Wheat with Honey or Milk, and a piece of Hardened Wheat got stuck in the back of my throat, which not only rendered me almost totally speechless but cut off my source of air for a dangerously long period of time (about 30 secs).
During this seminal half minute of time, I swore that if I could only be spared I would never make another post on a message board ever again and b) when I did it would be to expose the poor standards of efficiency which plague the offices of the Advertising
Standards Authority (ASA, which is also a film speed on a camera by the way) in failing to bring appropriate and necessary justice to General Mills (and the others involved in this debacle) and Nestle.
When I had recovered my composure, I went back to bed and slept in a Coma for the next four hours before waking up with the twin desires of a) avenging wrong-doing and 2) eating several slices of Buttered Toast.
My letter writing, email, fax, telephone and Poster Campaign is now ‘up and running’. Until the inevitability of my victory against Corporate Cereal Companies becomes a harsh reality, I urge all Shredded Wheat Eaters to ignore the blandishments of General Mills and his Forces of Darkness and to resist with all their Might the temptations of the Devil by stopping after the Second Wheat.
Power without Responsibility has been the prerogative of Cereal Manufacturers throughout the Ages, although I could say the same thing about Harlots if I wanted to, and I probably would if I ate Harlots for breakfast, but I don’t because you can’t get them in the Shops in Rural Areas of England any more because they have been replaced by Sugar Puffs.
In conclusion to this sorry tale of Near Death Experience, I would just like to say a hearty ‘Fuck You’ to General Mills and to tell him that his days of ruling the roost, cereal-wise, are definitely Numbered.
And Nestle should go back to brewing fucking Coffee Beans.
Mmmmmm hot cereal gooood.