Personally I am not a fan of using titles like Mr./Mrs./Ms. when it’s a close friend or relative. I’d use:
Joe Johnson and Jane Smith
But if you prefer to use titles or if it’s a more formal or business relationship, Ms. is the correct way to address a woman who has kept her name:
Mr. Joe Johnson and Ms. Jane Smith
In general you should use “Ms.” when addressing a married woman who kept her name. “Miss” implies she is not married, and “Mrs.” usually implies that she took her husband’s name.
To make it easier, let’s pretend my name is Spoike Smith and my husband’s is Kenny Jones. Our son will be Bob Jones. All of these names are fictional, so if I’ve hit upon someone’s real name, my apologies.
Our address labels read: “Smith/Jones” so that would be fine.
I love getting cards addressed to: “The Smith/Jones Family”. (This is my favourite.)
Although it’s less formal, I would also be fine with: “Spoike, Kenny and Bob”.
Other options I’m fine with are: “Spoike Smith and Kenny Jones”, “Ms. Spoike Smith and Mr. Kenny Jones”, and “Spoike Smith, Kenny and Bob Jones.” (The latter’s a little awkward, though.)
Mostly, I just appreciate it if I can tell someone took a second to think about it and made the effort, even if it’s not my ideal. I have received phone calls in the past asking about our preference, which actually touched me. I thought it was very thoughtful, so if you’re able to do that, it might be a consideration.
I prefer Ms., but I can live with Mrs. as long as the surname is correct. I care more about my name than I do the title, but others may vary in their opinion of that. And, just like with the address, it is really lovely when someone asks me directly what I’d prefer.
Our friends generally do it like this:
**DoctorJ **Smith
and
CrazyCatLady Jones
No titles, because we’re young enough that using formal titles for your friends just seems weird. And then on the inside, it’ll be “Doc and CCL” because that’s what they actually call us.
It’s never come up with family, because we’re not the kind of people to send Christmas cards to people we’ll see on Christmas anyhow.
Really, though I’m fine with any written form of address that includes my actual last name. No “Doc and CCL Smith,” please, and “Dr. and Mrs. DoctorJ Smith” is right out. But even then I’m not going to throw your card on the ground and jump up and down on it screaming, “I have an identity outside of him, goddammit!” (Well, not the first time. Everybody gets one freebie. But just the one.)
In person, I generally prefer that people call me by my first name. In more formal or business things, I’m fine with any of the titles. Of course, around here Ms. and Mrs. both come out sounding like “Miz” anyhow, so who can really tell what they’re calling you?
I’m very much younger than 90 and “virgin” is the first thing that comes to mind when hearing “maiden”.
Likewise. But then, I read a lot of history and historical fiction.
I would say this one. Or, if you knew them well, and had a casual relationship with them (which I do with most of the people I send holiday cards to) just the first names. I certainly open mail addressed to Hisfirstname & Myfirstname and have received wedding invites and holiday cards from my current husband’s family that way for years (we just got married after 11 years of sinful cohabitation 
)
I sign our cards “The Smith-Jones Family” and most people send the cards to us the same way.
Being married twice, I have an odd situation. I kept my first husband’s name legally.
When I got married, I took his last name and we had a son. I established my career after the divorce and became known by that name. When I remarried, I decided to keep the name to make the adjustment easier for my son. So his name matched his mother’s. My current husband was fine with that.
When he and I had a child, it became a little bit confusing. I kept my legal name but introduce myself as my second husband’s and daughter’s last name to people at her school, playdates etc.
It just gets more complicated when children are involved.
At the Bar in England and Wales when they teach us drafting we are told:
if she is an adult and you don’t know and its not relevent, use Ms
If you know she is married; use Mrs unless corrected
If she is only ancillary, use Mrs; whatever her own preference.
These rules are recent, I remember I forgot my manuel for class one day and got an older edition from the lib; there were several pages on the Miss/Ms/Mrs nonsence.
Also I have noticed that Mrs is often used as a shorthand for “wife of” in the UK", as a result Cherie Booth QC, is often called Mrs.Blair when the reference is with respect to her husband.
What does “ancillary” mean in this context?
Ancillary means she is involved the case only by virtue of being the wife of one of the parties. For instance in a personal injury case involving the claimant Mr.Smith (who is married to Ms.Jones) and you are claiming for lost earnings that Ms Jones incurred by staying home and caring for husband (this is claimable under the law of England and Wales), you would in the particulars of claim refer to her as Mrs.Smith, or in this instance “Mrs. Smiths loss of earnings came to X Pounds”.
It also makes life easier when reading hunderds of pages in a case. In the above example, when Mrs.Smith used; you automatically know; yes claimants wife. OTH if her real name, Ms.Jones is it may not be obvious, especially when reading such a large volume.
This is fine. I will correct you but I’m not going to go nuclear. Best thing to do is ask first though. Just don’t phrase it thus:
“Is there a Mr Jones?”
and leave me wondering why it’s relevant until I get your mail addressed “Mrs Jones”. That, THAT is nuclear territory.
I wonder if celebrities legally change their name?
Like Gracie Allen would always say “I’m really Mrs George Burns,” Gracie Allen is just my name on the radio. To which Rita Hayworth says “Yes, I know, I’m Mrs Wells, it’s the same thing as being married to George Burns.” And Gracie laughs and says “hardly.”
I wonder if the celebrities do change their name legally and just use their maiden names for their careers?
My problem with “maiden name” is that it almost seems like I’m not good enough to keep my family name since I am a “girl”. Maiden name seems horribly old-fashioned. It’s my surname and I intend to keep it; anyone who disagrees can go jump in a lake.
Hearing nonsense about “starting a family” is annoying in much the same way to me, because i would want a child to be a part of both families, his fathers AND mine, because i see it as a continuation as opposed to a starting point. YMMV depending on one’s family relationships.
As much more common as divorce has become, taking your husband’s name seems silly.
A friend of mine changed her name to that of her first husband; divorced him after they had a son; then had three more children by different men, & gave them the same last name that she & her first child had.
It’s just a hot mess.
Like Zsofia, I ditched a long and hard to pronounce last name for one that couldn’t be easier.
My intention was to keep my maiden name as my middle name. In a somewhat puzzling incident at the Social Security office, I was told that I couldn’t do that, and that instead I had to make my last name two words: my maiden name and my new last name. The hell? I guess I wasn’t in a mood to argue, so my “official” last name comprises the two names, but not hyphenated. Whatever.
This is what happened to me, too. (I hadn’t read the whole thread before I posted before.) I just use the second last name, except in one or two circumstances, like when buying airline tickets, when I use both.
I eventually got my way at the SSA. I found a guy on the phone willing to do some research, took his cite back to the local office, and talked someone there into doing it, although I wasn’t to find out for three weeks.
Then the DMV didn’t want to do it either. I pointed out that it was already changed to that; they didn’t have a choice. She went in back and I guess decided to cave to the stubborn woman.
Is this a new rule? When I changed my surname to my husband’s, I dropped my middle name and used my maiden name instead. They didn’t even blink about it at the Social Security, just made sure I had all the paperwork in order, birth certificate and marriage certificate and such. In my case I also had to make one extra trip to get proof of my divorce from my first husband, so they’d know the person on the marriage certificate was really me, but then they put it in the way I wanted it without any trouble about two last names.
When I got married, I did something that I suppose was relatively odd, but really only caused major trouble for me once. My husband has a hyphenated last name (mother’s-father’s). He didn’t have a huge preference but did desire me to take his last name. I wanted to keep my original middle name and my given name as another middle name - but I didn’t want five names. Four would be plenty! So, instead of taking his full hyphenated name, I just took the first half (his mother’s).
At first, the only weirdness this caused was that his father’s family ignored my new legal name and called me Emily Dadslastname. Meh, not a huge deal really - there was some animosity between husband’s parents post-divorce. Social security had no problem, my school had no problem, the car title agency had no problem, insurance had no problem…
When I went to the Ohio BMV to get my license, though, they insisted that legally, my last name was my husband’s full last name, period. I told them it wasn’t, it was whatever the hell I wanted, exactly as I signed it on my marriage license. They were having none of it, and I asked what I was supposed to do about the fact that I had my true legal name everywhere else (including SS!). They shrugged and said “You will legally have to go change it at all of those places.” Yes, BMV. And how will I do that when it’s not my legal name?
They ended up spending an hour with me standing there while they called a ton of people, getting more and more confused and exasperated, culminating in them calling a lawyer for the BMV! In the end, they pretty much gave in - my license is Emily K. Givenname Momslastname. Even though Givenname is supposed to be my middle name, but that is absolutely no big deal after all the hassle it took! (I kind of like still having it there, actually - I just use it alternately as a middle or last name, depending on what I’m using it for).
Sorry that was so long :o