Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize?
Because he was out standing in his field.
Q: Why did the dead baby cross the road?
A: It was stapled to the chicken.
Q:How do you fit five elephants in a pink mini-minor?
A: Two in the front, two in the back, one in the trunk.
Q: How do you know if an elephant’s been in the fridge?
A: Footprints in the buter
Q: How do you know if TWO elephants have been in the fridge?
A: Two sets of footprints in the butter
Q: How do you know if FIVE elephants have been in the fridge?
A: Pink mini-minor parked out front.
Did you hear about the poor chicken farmer? All his chickens died.
He was either planting them too deep or too close together.
What’s black and white and black and off-white and black and beige and black and brown and black and black?
A nun on a spit.
Q: Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
A: (to the tune of the William Tell Overture) To the dump, to the dump, to the dump-dump-dump!
How do you get a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Open the door, put the giraffe in, then close the door.
How do you get an elephant into a refrigerator?
Open the door, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
How do you get five rhinos into a Honda Civic?
Put two in the front seat, two in the rear seat, and one in the hatchback.
The animals had a meeting. All but one attended. Who was not there?
The elephant, he was trapped in the refrigerator,
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
“Here come the elephants over the hill.”
What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming over the hill?
“Here come the grapes.” (She was color blind.)
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?
Nothing. He didn’t recognize them.
What’s the pirate’s sister’s name?
Maaaarrrrgaret
What’s his wife’s name?
Aaaaarrrrrlene
What’s their daughter’s name?
Peggy
Q: What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
A: Dunnnnnnnng!
Why don’t lobsters share their toys?
Because they’re shellfish!
Look at that bunch of cows!
Not a bunch. Herd.
Herd of what?
Herd of cows.
Sure I’ve heard of cows!
No, a cow herd!
Why would I care what a cow heard? I have no secrets from a cow!
From a comedian I saw on Comedy Central once (attributed to his son):
Why don’t dinosaurs talk?
Because they’re all dead.
I adore clean jokes – I’m sitting here giggling like an idiot.
Here’s my all-time favorite (which I’ve used in these threads before):
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
Ooh, ooh, and here’s another good one:
What do you get if you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?
Elephino.
What do you get if you cross a gorilla with a computer?
A hairy reasoner.
Oh, Harry Reasoner, now I geddit.
What’s the difference between amnesia and apathy?
I don’t know and I don’t care.
Patient: “Doctor, my husband thinks I am mad”
Doctor: “Why!”
Patient: “Because I like chocolate muffins”
Doctor: “But I like chocolate muffins”
Patient: “Great, you must come and see my collection. I’ve got hundreds of them”
ETA: Has interrupting sloth decided on a punchline yet?
Wait, you forgot the lead-in- which is exactly the joke I was going to post!
Q: How are an elephant and a grape alike?
A: They’re both purple, except for the grape.
Q: How do you kill a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you kill a pink elephant?
A: You squeeze him and squeeze him until he is blue then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.
What do you call an armless and legless man in a pool?
Bob.
Q. What do you get if you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?
A. A woolly jumper.
The old ones are the best ones…
What do you call a man who falls into a meatgrinder?
Chuck.
How do you catch a unique animal?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame animal?
The tame way.