Christmas fucked already

The BBQ Pit
1

My husband’s sixteen year old daughter is staying with us right now because she hasn’t been getting along with her mom. I’ve spent the last few days trying to buy her a few things she’ll like so that she won’t feel left out, although she comes from a wealthy family and has all that her heart desires. These are the traditions my kids and I follow: Kids open one package Christmas Eve, which is always silly pajamas. Kids get stockings. Kids also get a nice gift from Santa, and a smaller gift from the parents.

So I’ve gotten her a pair of zebra-striped pajamas with feet in them and some very trivial stocking stuffers. Her dad got her a Santa gift, and I got her some makeup brushes so she wouldn’t have to sit around with no packages to open. (Dad and others usually just give her cash). Okay, we’re ready to have a nice Christmas.

So she comes home from her date last night, late as usual, and gives her dad several checks from her part-time job, asking him to cash them for her. She’s been hoarding them because she doesn’t need the money. So he takes the checks and gives her a pile of bucks. He then asks if she’s finished Christmas shopping. She goes off into a rant about how stupid Christmas is and she wishes everyone could just skip it, and tells him she hasn’t bought gifts for anyone. He shrugs and says, “That’s why you don’t have the Christmas spirit, then.” End of conversation, she walks away.

I gently suggest to my husband that she should buy a gift for him and for her mother, at least. He throws up his hands and says, “I kept reminding her! I’m sure as hell not going to do it for her!” I leave it at that, because he is very sensitive to criticism on the subject of child-raising or lack thereof, as well he might be, and if I say any of the many things I’m thinking, there’s going to be a fight.

This morning as I was getting ready for work, I find a “contract” she has written for herself and left for her dad. It outlines specifically what she has agreed to do during the next couple of days (“Get home from date at 9:30. Open gift. Open gifts with you in the morning. 2:00- Christmas dinner. Go to Mom’s house.” Etc.)

And I’m trying not to cry. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to order someone to open their gift and have a good time. I didn’t know she felt this way about Christmas, but I do know she pretty much regards me and my kids as freaks. (We do crazy shit like reading, and wearing unfashionable clothing). She is constantly asking us what is wrong with us in that joking-but-she-means-it way. My daughter is also sixteen. Did you ever try telling a sixteen year old not to care so much what another sixteen year old thinks?

She didn’t even buy gifts for her parents. Did I mention that her mother recently found out she has cancer and has just begun chemotherapy?

I told my husband to just forget about making her participate, she’ll just think it’s stupid anyway. He told me I shouldn’t take it so hard. Then I left for work. I’m sure later today he’ll take her aside and ask her to pretend she’s having a good time, but it doesn’t matter now. The whole thing just sickens me. I’ll just have a good Christmas…some other year.

2

I know it’s hard, and I know that kids that age can ruin any day without even trying, and I know that everyone wants Christmas to be perfect… but if you want Christmas spirit, start with you. She’s sixteen, she’s having a hard time, and she’s your husband’s daughter. Instead of throwing up your hands and writing off the holiday because she’s there, be a grownup and set an example.

Stop trying to make her fit into your vision of sugarplums, and accept that all you can (and should) do is to attempt to make her feel at home, and then enjoy your holiday. She can take your hospitality or leave it, but she can’t ruin your day unless you let her.

3

I am sorry you are going through this right now especially with the holidays.

Try to make it a nice Christmas for your kids and include her if you can. If she does not want to participate then let her sulk in her room.

DO NOT let it spoil your Christmas. She is acting like a selfish brat. If it were me I would remove all the gifts you got her. It sounds like she really does not need or want them anyway. Donate them to a shleter.

4

I agree with DianaG. I 'm sorry things aren’t working out the way you wanted them to, Dung Beetle. Perhaps things will go more smoothly on the day itself. I also feel bad for your step-daughter. She may have been difficult for years, for all I know so I won’t jump to conclusions, but it sounds like she’s been going through a lot lately, and might be having trouble dealing with it.

5

I’m going to try and deal with it. I just need to go off and have a good cry.

6

That sucks, Dung, but when you calm down and think about it, you’ll realize that your family’s x-mas isn’t fucked. You can’t force her to celebrate it in the way the rest of you do, but you do have the ability to not let her ruin it for the rest of you.

Maybe she will completely absent herself from your doings this year - but she will be a different person next year and the decade after that. I recommend doing your best to be pleasant and demonstrate a willingness to include her in whatever you are doing whenever she is around, but try to not take it personally should she decide not to. And tell her that you hope she is being happy doing whatever she chooses.

I’m not sure teenagers realize how deeply they can hurt adults, but you certainly do not want to respond in kind. And you certainly don’t want to magnify its reflection on how your hubby and other kids enjoy the holiday. And of course, don’t miss a chance to tell and show them how much you enjoy all the silly celebrations with them.

Give your daughter enough credit. I’ve regularly been pleasantly surprised to learn how much my kids enjoy dorky things we do as a family, even tho they’d be mortified should their friends learn of them.

Disclaimer - I have no experience in “blended” families, and can only imagine many of the difficulties that might arise. But try to concentrate on all the good stuff, rather than dwelling on this admittedly bad aspect.

7

Who is it you’re most upset with? Your husband, for trying to push her into into participating in these family activities? Or her, for not wanting to?

I feel for your husband, who’s stuck between you. You’ve already suggested to him what she should be doing, and now he’s trying to get her to do the kind of things you want (though maybe not exactly what you want), and you’re upset with him for doing it. He’s apparently sat down with her and come to an agreement, which they wrote down – which is a lot more agreement than MOST parents get – and you’re upset with that.

I really don’t see how anybody can come out ahead here.

8

I’ve seen this problem so many times and the recurrent theme is the new person in the home upsetting the environment that mom has established. It is especially irksome when there appears to be competition for influence on the male parent by two females.

Its your home. You are the adult. Do not let your husband’s daughter affect your attitude. Continue to be gracious without expectation of reciprocation. You may have been lucky with happy and well adjusted children, but many teenagers have to go through uncomfortable phases before they properly adjust. All you can do is set the example without telegraphing judgement.

9

I am hoping this is one of those rants that lets you vent, take a deep breath, so you can continue on with your original plan of having a nice Christmas.

All is not ruined if a sixteen year old doesn’t want to join in on your family’s traditions.

As you put it, you are feeling like “Christmas is fucked already.” If I was a sixteen year old girl whose mom was just diagnosed with cancer, I am pretty sure I would feel like my entire life was fucked already. And I would probably rebel against anything that was going on that was intended to make Christmas a nice day for everyone else. Is that selfish? Yes. Is that immature? Yes? Is it what 16 year old kids are famous for? Yes.

As much as you can, just let it go. You have done a lot to try to include her, try to make the best of things. That is what you should do. But if she has decided that she doesn’t want Christmas to be a nice normal day this year, you can’t change that. All you can do is continue on with your plans that the rest of your family is looking forward to.

I can understand your disappointment that she doesn’t seem to appreciate the effort you have gone to for her. But I can also understand her frustration. She likely feels that she is being forced to pretend that all is well in her life, and it isn’t.

As an adult, you know that you have deal with whatever life dishes out, and continue on. As a teenager, she is just learning how unfair life can be at times, and sees no reason to try to make the best of the situation. Hopefully as she matures, she will learn to put other people first at times. You may be able to help her with that, by setting the example.

She knows you want her to enjoy the kind of Christmas your family enjoys. But this year, she doesn’t want any part of that. If she feels forced by you or her dad to participate, she will just feel what she wants doesn’t matter to anyone. If you let her opt out, without being resentful about it, you can show her you are able to put what she wants above what you want for her. And that could be a good first step in her learning that that is what adults do at times when needed.

10

On this note, I’m in my 30s and would frankly rather not participate in the series of Christmas-related events that my inlaws expect everyone to attend, every year. But my husband and I suck it up, plaster on a smile, and find enjoyment where we can in it - and we’ve had many years to get “accustomed” to this. I’m not surprised that an “outsider” 16-year-old might find your traditions and habits odd, then.

As long as this girl stops short of assault, arson, etc., she can’t ruin your Christmas. If it helps any, think of her as a Grinch. Her heart’s been shrunken down too small, and the celebration will go on for the Whos regardless of what she does, and maybe her heart will expand a bit - maybe not this year even, but if she keeps seeing and being exposed to a loving environment, maybe soon.

11

I would make it known to her that she’s welcome but not required to attend and participate. If she chooses to attend, she’ll be more cheery than if she feels she’s being forced. And if she chooses not to attend, you did what you could.

12

You can’t force others to celebrate Christmas the way you think it should be celebrated. You are almost at the point of tears over it? Relax. Why drive yourself crazy trying to get others to think the way you do?

13

I think so. I hope so.

In my rosy little world, kids like Christmas, and their parents. I forget that my husband’s family is very different from mine, and I got my expectations up too high, and my feelings got hurt.

This girl has always made it plain that she thinks my kids and I are the lamest, and I worry that it’s going to ruin things for my kids to have her sitting there rolling her eyes and telling them their presents are stupid.

The thing about not getting anything for her mom really burns me. The disrespect for her mother goes back years, and is shared by her twin brother. I remember being shocked the first time they came to visit and told their dad what a dumb bitch their mom is, and he just laughed and said they should try to deal with it. I don’t think kids ought to be allowed to talk about their parents that way, but I made excuses for my husband. I still think he was wrong, but I never said anything about it.

By the way, the girl moved in with us after sneaking out at night and stealing her mom’s car to go see a boy. I guess Mom’s a dumb bitch for being mad.

As the day goes on, I’m starting to feel like I overreacted. This family always blindsides me with the huge differences between the way they are and the way we are. I didn’t see this one coming and I got disappointed. My husband stopped by work and talked to me a little bit, saying much the same things you guys are saying, so by the time this day is over maybe I’ll be able to pretend nothing’s bothering me.

ETA: I don’t want to force her. If I had known she felt this way, I never would have tried to include her. My husband, after watching me shop and wrap and worry, decided that he would force her. I was not consulted.

14

She’s sixteen, and should be old enough in her mind to know that even if she doesn’t have the Christmas spirit, she should at least have the manners to not fuck it up for everyone else, especially in a home where she is essentially a regular guest at best.

And yet if you were to kill her, everyone would be looking at you like you were the villian in all of this.

I know you mentioned that your husband is sensitive to these kinds of situations because it reflects on him in some way, but you can argue that you are also sensitive to the insensitiveness of a spoiled child. It sounds like he needs to address it and maybe the daughter needs to be grabbed up by the scruff and shaken like a snow globe for about half an hour.

You want me to talk to her? I’m an outside, objective third party in all of this.

15

If she thinks gift-giving is such a crock, then give her presents to someone else.

16

It means a lot to me just to know you understand. :slight_smile:

17

If she and her brother share the same sentiment about their mother then perhaps she earned that resentment. I can’t imagine they’d hate her for no reason at all. Lots of teenagers get mad at their parents, but I don’t know too many who didn’t love them underneath it all. It sounds like there are a lot of issues in this situation that you may not be aware of.

I’d imagine their dad is just trying to stay neutral about their mom. It’s hard when the kids go back and forth from mom’s to dad’s. You don’t want to talk bad about the other parent in front of the kids, yet when they complain about things at home you want to help them figure it out. He’s stuck between and rock and a hard place when it comes to that.

The same thing happens at my house when my step-kids are here. They tell us all kinds of things about their mom and step-dad and we try very hard not to say anything negative about their mother, however difficult that may be. It wouldn’t suprise me if we end up in the same situation you are in right now within a few years.

But I do agree that the namecalling shouldn’t be allowed. They can say what they want while they are out of the house, but if I were you I’d ask husband to put his foot down about it while she’s in your home.

18

Alternatively, it’s always nice if a kid doesn’t have to feel like an intruder in her parent’s home. Just a thought.

19

Yes, I’d be thrilled to receive some unexpected zebra-footy-jammies in the mail this year. :slight_smile:

20

So did she avoid having any actual consequences from her actions by moving in with you guys instead of staying with her mom? Because that sounds like not such a great idea to me. I mean, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have taken her in, and I obviously don’t know all of the details of your situation, but I grew up in a series of step-families (long story) and I’ll tell you that kids aren’t stupid and know how to play parents against each other to their advantage. My advice, which is worth as much as you paid for it, is that you should find out from Mom what her punishment was going to be, and then tell stepdaughter that while she’s welcome to stay with you, she’s going to have the same punishment that she would have had at Mom’s house.

As for the Christmas thing, we occasionally have my husband’s Grinchy brother staying with us over the holidays, and I find that the best thing to do is to just ignore the muttered commentary about how Christmas is so stupid and why don’t we just give presents all year round if we care about each other so much, grr grr, and let him know that his presence is appreciated but not required on Christmas morning and at subsequent holiday events. It takes the pressure off him and allows me to have a good holiday regardless of his bitching.