[QUOTE=DianaG]
Alternatively, it’s always nice if a kid doesn’t have to feel like an intruder in her parent’s home. Just a thought.
[/QUOTE]
And counter to that, it would be nice if the child didn’t actively place themselves in that situation by acting like a disrespectful twit.
DB I’m not a parent, but I was a teen, and occasionally a difficult one. My mom and Dad often forced me to participate in religious celebrations, and other holiday things that I wasn’t that into. It sounds like she wants to grinch it up… let her. My suggestion, would be to GENTLY take her aside, and let her know that she is welcome to participate. If she doesn’t want to, it’s cool and no one will blame her for it. What she will NOT do though is shit all over it for the others. Hell, if she doesn’t want to play, give her some cash and send her off to the movies and chinese restaurant for the day. Let her know that whatever she wants to do is cool with you, short of fucking it up for everyone else. If she can’t deal with that , then you’ve got a real problem and you have my sympathies.
She’s 16 and has already experienced her parents divorcing, her father remarrying, and her mother being diagnosed with a possibly life-threatening disease. She’s been spoiled with material possessions yet doesn’t feel at home with either of her parents. And YOU’re crying? Wow.
You married a man who had children with another woman. Dealing with this sort of thing comes with the territory, as does having teenagers in the house. They’re emotional, they’re unreasonable and they’re sulky. Most parents have the benefit of having lived with them and bonded with them when they are cute and fuzzy. You missed that time so it’s a bigger obstacle for you to overcome. But you’ll have to overcome it, because you’re the adult and she’s your step-daughter.
When she’s in your home, she can’t possibly feel at home because you’re there and you’re alien to her. That’s not a criticism of you, that’s simply a fact. Imagine how awkward it would be to have to visit a home where your father has established his brand new family. Or imagine opening gifts surrounded by people who think that your presence is fucking their holiday?
You had a choice whether or not to enter this relationship, with all the baggage that came with it. She had zero choice in it, nor does she have any say as to whether her mother will live or die. So give her a break already.
[QUOTE=PunditLisa]
She’s 16 and has already experienced her parents divorcing, her father remarrying, and her mother being diagnosed with a possibly life-threatening disease. She’s been spoiled with material possessions yet doesn’t feel at home with either of her parents. And YOU’re crying? Wow.
You married a man who had children with another woman. Dealing with this sort of thing comes with the territory, as does having teenagers in the house. They’re emotional, they’re unreasonable and they’re sulky. Most parents have the benefit of having lived with them and bonded with them when they are cute and fuzzy. You missed that time so it’s a bigger obstacle for you to overcome. But you’ll have to overcome it, because you’re the adult and she’s your step-daughter.
When she’s in your home, she can’t possibly feel at home because you’re there and you’re alien to her. That’s not a criticism of you, that’s simply a fact. Imagine how awkward it would be to have to visit a home where your father has established his brand new family. Or imagine opening gifts surrounded by people who think that your presence is fucking their holiday?
You had a choice whether or not to enter this relationship, with all the baggage that came with it. She had zero choice in it, nor does she have any say as to whether her mother will live or die. So give her a break already.
[/QUOTE]
So, because this kid’s mom and dad divorced DB has to resign herself to situations where her kids have to be exposed to shit from a spoiled brat who’s parent(s) confused material possessions and a campaign of non-discipline for love? That’s shit right there.
I had a pretty shitty childhood myself, so I know what it’s like to feel like an outsider among the company of one of my own parents and some kind of family outcast, but that doesn’t excuse a child from acting like an asshole casserole without a consequence or two.
The kid doesn’t have to like the ceremony. Hell the kid doesn’t even have to be there. All she has to do is just keep her manners about her and shut the hell up about it. If she can’t do that, if she can’t be bothered with just a minimal amount of participation, then she needs to remove herself from a situation where she might offend someone. Christ, it’s not like she’s 8 years old!
[QUOTE=PunditLisa]
Imagine how awkward it would be to have to visit a home where your father has established his brand new family.
[/QUOTE]
This is a perfect time for her to learn that life is a never-ending series of awkward moments, and sometimes you just have to grit your teeth and get through it.
[QUOTE=Euthanasiast]
The kid doesn’t have to like the ceremony. Hell the kid doesn’t even have to be there. All she has to do is just keep her manners about her and shut the hell up about it. If she can’t do that, if she can’t be bothered with just a minimal amount of participation, then she needs to remove herself from a situation where she might offend someone. Christ, it’s not like she’s 8 years old!
[/QUOTE]
I agree with you. Anyway, if she were so concerned about her ill mother, then why did she steal the car? Is felony auto theft going to make it all better or something?
Sixteen is certainly old enough to have learned how to behave in a social situation. Indulging her childish tantrums is not the way to correct such poor behaviour.
[QUOTE=xcheopis]
I agree with you. Anyway, if she were so concerned about her ill mother, then why did she steal the car? Is felony auto theft going to make it all better or something?
Sixteen is certainly old enough to have learned how to behave in a social situation. Indulging her childish tantrums is not the way to correct such poor behaviour.
[/QUOTE]
Damn straight.
[QUOTE=Dung Beetle]
Did I mention that her mother recently found out she has cancer and has just begun chemotherapy?
[/QUOTE]
I’m thinking that this could be a major factor in her behavior. Did you ever think of that? (I’m not accusing you, I’m just pointing this out.)
If anything, do NOT accuse her of “ruining your Christmas”. That’s only going to make her feel worse. Make her feel welcome, but don’t force it, and do NOT get involved when it comes to her and your husband. Be supportive, but don’t make him feel like he has to decide between the two of you.
Teenagers are moody under normal circumstances. I can’t imagine having to deal with finding out that my mother had cancer right around the holidays.
Do not let her behavior ruin your holiday. But you don’t have to tolerate her behavior. If she can’t act like a civilized adult, let her know it won’t be tolerated in your home. If she can’t do that, tell her she can go somewhere else.
[QUOTE=Euthanasiast]
So, because this kid’s mom and dad divorced DB has to resign herself to situations where her kids have to be exposed to shit from a spoiled brat who’s parent(s) confused material possessions and a campaign of non-discipline for love?
[/QUOTE]
Yes, because that’s the family she voluntarily married into. Minor children come part and parcel with the parent; that’s the way it works. And let’s just say that spoiled brats aren’t born; they’re raised that way. If his daughter has turned out to be a brat, then he’s largely to blame.
[QUOTE=PunditLisa]
Yes, because that’s the family she voluntarily married into. Minor children come part and parcel with the parent; that’s the way it works. And let’s just say that spoiled brats aren’t born; they’re raised that way. If his daughter has turned out to be a brat, then he’s largely to blame.
[/QUOTE]
The girl is long past the age for learning party manners and in no way should she be allowed free reign to her temper at the expense of Dung Beetle’s children.
The father also voluntarily married into a family. If he is not willing to correct the girl’s behaviour, then she should be sent home.
[QUOTE=Euthanasiast]
So, because this kid’s mom and dad divorced DB has to resign herself to situations where her kids have to be exposed to shit from a spoiled brat who’s parent(s) confused material possessions and a campaign of non-discipline for love? That’s shit right there.
[/QUOTE]
No, she needs to act like an adult. You know, you’re right that at sixteen one should have learned sufficient social skills not to ruin everyone’s holiday. Of course, the same is even truer at fortysomething.
She’s a kid, and her life kind of sucks at the moment. **Dung Beetle ** is a grownup, and her post seethes with resentment.
Now, that’s fine. She feels resentment, and that’s understandable. And she came here and posted about it, where it’s not hurting anyone, and that’s the best way I can think of to get it out of her system. I hope that keeps her from conveying her resentment to the kid, but I suspect it may already be a bit too late for that. And why on earth would you expect *better * behavior than that from a teenager?
[QUOTE=Dung Beetle]
This girl has always made it plain that she thinks my kids and I are the lamest, and I worry that it’s going to ruin things for my kids to have her sitting there rolling her eyes and telling them their presents are stupid.
[/QUOTE]
You don’t have any control over her attitude. You do have control over her behavior.
First, tell her that her attendance at the holiday festivities is optional. If she wants to sit alone in her room instead, that’s fine.
But if she does come, she has to be civil. The moment she starts being rude to you or your kids she should be told that such behavior is absolutely not allowed in your house. She has a choice – stay and be polite, or go off by herself.
Don’t threaten her in advance about the consequences of not being polite. Give her the opportunity to rise to the occasion. But if she can’t manage to behave, tell her you think that she doesn’t seem to be enjoying herself and you think she’d probably be happier if she was alone.
The husband at least shouldn’t tolerate any nasty behavior towards any of them, or even trash-talking her mom. I understand the girl is probably really screwed up right now with all of that stuff going on in her life plus the typical teenage hormones, but that doesn’t mean she gets to shit on anyone else. Sounds like the husband doesn’t want to be the “bad guy” but that will just cause resentment from his family and maybe even from this girl, since he’s the parent but isn’t acting like one if he allows her to act like that.
[QUOTE=PunditLisa]
Yes, because that’s the family she voluntarily married into. Minor children come part and parcel with the parent; that’s the way it works. And let’s just say that spoiled brats aren’t born; they’re raised that way. If his daughter has turned out to be a brat, then he’s largely to blame.
[/QUOTE]
Look, I know what the vows are. I know what it means to accept a person’s children when you enter into a pact like that. It has NOTHING to do with allowing an unruly child free reign over your home or to be disruptive. In case you aren’t aware, DB’s (when did we start calling her this?) husband also entered into that marriage under the same set of guidelines, so he’s responsible for ensuring that his kid doesn’t disrupt the enjoyment of her kid’s celebration simply because it isn’t up to her cool standards.
Why is this simple standard of civility so complex an issue for you to understand? This sixteen year-old child is not the pope. She’s a fucking kid with a bad attitude. It’s as simple as that. She has already established that she doesn’t give a shit about anyone but herself and her own enjoyment when she Otto’d her mother’s car and then attempted to duck the responsibility for it by running to her dad’s house where he let’s her avoid the consequences.
[QUOTE=Acid Lamp]
DB I’m not a parent, but I was a teen, and occasionally a difficult one. My mom and Dad often forced me to participate in religious celebrations, and other holiday things that I wasn’t that into. It sounds like she wants to grinch it up… let her. My suggestion, would be to GENTLY take her aside, and let her know that she is welcome to participate. If she doesn’t want to, it’s cool and no one will blame her for it. What she will NOT do though is shit all over it for the others. Hell, if she doesn’t want to play, give her some cash and send her off to the movies and chinese restaurant for the day. Let her know that whatever she wants to do is cool with you, short of fucking it up for everyone else. If she can’t deal with that , then you’ve got a real problem and you have my sympathies.
[/QUOTE]
This; if you’re feeling especially generous.
If not, spending the day sulking in her room txting her friends about what an evil bitch her stepmonster is* would work, too. I’m not sure I see the need to reward her financially for her poor behavior, but allowing her to remove herself from the proceedings is win-win, isn’t it?
I’m not sure exactly why the “contract” triggered you, do you feel like posting more about that? It sounds to me like a way (not my preferred way, but** a** way) of compromising. If her father gave her a “you WILL play along” ultimatum, then perhaps it was her way of articulating her boundaries in the game. She’s willing to do A, B and C, but not D. While it’s not the way I would choose to approach it, it is a valid behavioral approach. If she feels safest with clearly articulated expectations and a written agreement that no more will be asked of her, then maybe meeting her halfway with that wouldn’t be the end of the world.
On the other hand, I suspect what’s really going on here is that you want her to *want *your vision of Christmas, not just tolerate it, right? She doesn’t. You can dictate her behavior, to a limited extent, but you can’t dictate her wants at all. And yeah, that sucks.
*Not my opinion, of course!
I can really sympathize with your step-daughter. Those of you who don’t know what it’s like to be a step-child have very little call to be criticizing her. Unless you’ve been there, you have no idea what it’s like. I’m sure that plenty of you have been in mixed families where it ended up like the Brady Bunch but for most of us, it’s not like that.
I was eight when my father got the boot, and maybe deservedly so, he’s a difficult person on his best days. By the time I was nine, I had a step-father living with me. Stepdad is a good man and he really does and did love me and my sister and he tried his very best. Even so, it sucked, specifically around the Holidays.
My parents and I are Jewish and Stepdad isn’t. Mom wanted to incorporate his traditions too so we were now doing both Christmas and Chanukkah. Words can’t describe how wrong I thought it was. I wanted nothing to do with Xmas and I couldn’t give a fuck about any extra presents. I was absolutely mortified when my Jewish friends would come over and see the tree.
Every year my Mom would force me to fake a smile and participate. I would have loved nothing more than to be allowed to stay in my room and read while the tree was decorated and to sleep in while they all opened Xmas presents.
I know that the situations aren’t exactly parallel but I feel for that sixteen year old. I think that Dung Beetle’s husband made a serious error in forcing her to take part. She should definitely have the choice of either participating in the spirit of the family tradition or opting out. I sure wish that I had that choice.
Teenagers simply haven’t lived for long enough to have a proper perspective on life. Why do so many adults forget that? The adults are the ones who should have to suck it up a little. That kid has the choice of living in one of two places that make her crazy in totally different ways. I was lucky at least to have refuge at a couple of friend’s houses.
DB, I do hope that you have a great Holiday with your family and it works out as well as it can given the circumstances. It probably will.
[QUOTE=PunditLisa]
She’s 16 and has already experienced her parents divorcing, her father remarrying, and her mother being diagnosed with a possibly life-threatening disease. She’s been spoiled with material possessions yet doesn’t feel at home with either of her parents. And YOU’re crying? Wow.
[/QUOTE]
The divorce was thirteen years ago. She’s lived with the mother and stepdad ever since, and so has her twin brother. They show up at our house when they’re in trouble at home.
True. I’ve really never understood why they don’t like her. Anytime I’ve asked, I’m told she nags too much or she’s being a real twat about curfew or something.
I’m blowing off a lot of steam in here today, and my husband knows I was sad. But I’m not taking this out on anyone but you guys, I promise. I went home at lunch and gave her her Christmas pajamas, after warning her that they were going to be…humorous. She squealed and put them on over her clothes. When her dad went to get a camera, she tore them off again. And now she’s off the hook.
I don’t think her behavior has much, if anything, to do with distress about her mother, so I don’t agree with a lot of what’s been said here. But I’m reading every post and giving them serious consideration. It’s helped me a lot to just be able to talk about this. There’s no one IRL I can say this stuff to.
[QUOTE=Dung Beetle]
True. I’ve really never understood why they don’t like her. Anytime I’ve asked, I’m told she nags too much or she’s being a real twat about curfew or something.
[/QUOTE]
Imagine, then, what she’s likely telling her mother about you and her father.
[QUOTE=DianaG]
No, she needs to act like an adult. You know, you’re right that at sixteen one should have learned sufficient social skills not to ruin everyone’s holiday. Of course, the same is even truer at fortysomething.
She’s a kid, and her life kind of sucks at the moment. **Dung Beetle ** is a grownup, and her post seethes with resentment.
[/QUOTE]
Yeah, that’s what I got from her post, too.’
Like, when she was talking about getting her a bunch of gifts so she wouldn’t feel left out–I dunno, it just comes off like DB is doing her such a huge favor by even getting her gifts. Because she’s so wealthy and has everything her heart desires. And I know, the 16 year old didn’t buy any gifts for anyone…and I’m not saying she’s not being a brat, but I guess I just can’t help feeling bad for this kid considering all the shit she’s going through, plus the fact that she probably feels so unwelcome in her father’s house.
[QUOTE=hajario]
I can really sympathize with your step-daughter. Those of you who don’t know what it’s like to be a step-child have very little call to be criticizing her. Unless you’ve been there, you have no idea what it’s like. I’m sure that plenty of you have been in mixed families where it ended up like the Brady Bunch but for most of us, it’s not like that.
[/QUOTE]
Your last two sentences contradict each other. My father re-married and I was expected to respect his decision. Period.
[QUOTE=hajario]
Teenagers simply haven’t lived for long enough to have a proper perspective on life. Why do so many adults forget that? The adults are the ones who should have to suck it up a little. That kid has the choice of living in one of two places that make her crazy in totally different ways. I was lucky at least to have refuge at a couple of friend’s houses.
.
[/QUOTE]
Teenagers are not infants. They are not children. They are also not stupid and tend to be quick to take advantage of those who think they are. Sixteen is old enough to drive, to work, and, in some states, to marry and start a family. Sixteen is long, long, past the age of learning to behave yourself in another’s home, be it a relative, friend, enemy, or stranger.
Nor do you have any call to know what the girl is thinking. For all the rest of us know, she’s being a manipulative brat because she is surrounded by people just like you who will excuse anything rather than instruct her in the art of being an adult.