This is just MHO, but I see several possible scenarios:
She is a selfish brat, who wants everything her way. In this case, it is the responsibility of the parents to set boundaries, and let her know that she is still the child, and your husband is still the parent and as long as she is in your home, she lives by your rules. She is still a child, not a guest and is expected to participate to a reasonable extent in family activities.
She is feeling left out and uncomfortable with your traditions. In this case, she should be warmly welcomed as a member of the family and treated the same as your children, with presents, etc.
She is acting out. Despite being 16, she is scared to death of losing her mother from cancer and is testing you and your husband to make sure she is still loved.
In any of these cases, I don’t see not including her, not giving her presents, or letting her go off and do whatever she wants as the best option. Particularly in case #3, that would just reinforce the feeling that she doesn’t belong.
Personally, I think that your husband has the right idea. Treat her like an adult but set down some rules. You can’t force her to spend her own money on gifts, but you can make her participate to some extent. Making a contract that she will participate in X,Y, and Z activities, and once she has done so she is off the hook both reinforces that you do want her there and teaches her that she has a responsibility while under your roof to accept your customs. I really agree with the way your husband has handled things.
As for the rest of the family, you can choose to let her ruin your time, or you and your children can enjoy your holiday with the attitude that it’s sad that she doesn’t enjoy it like you do.
You know, if her mom’s house is a place where material possessions replace true affection, her distaste for gift giving and gift giving rituals is pretty understandable–she may resent the whole process as artificial and an attempt to fake having relationships–especially since she almost certainly thinks you are entirely faking any of the cheer or affection or love you show her, and getting gifts from you may just feel like you are rubbing her nose in how fake it all is.
So, she steals someone’s car (or “borrows” it, I guess) and she’s going on a date last night? What’s up with that?
It sounds like this whole christmas thing is just another symptom of her father and you not really integrating your families into someone new - those are vastly different expectations. I can’t imagine how hard it is to have two radically different 16 year old girls in the same family.
Ok - a lot of posters are saying this and that about being from a broken home. In my general experience, most of us ARE from broken homes. Since all posts seem to need qualifications to count in this thread:
Hi, my name is Jaade. I am from a broken home. My mother and father were divorced before I was 2 years old. My dad then remarried and lived with a woman and her two children for 20+ years before leaving her 2 years ago completely out of the blue. My mother has been married 3 times since then, having a son with her second husband and then losing a child with her 3rd. She is currently married (for almost 10 years) to a man more than 15 years her elder.
Additionally, I married a man who already had two kids, which I have raised since they were 2 and 4 (and maintain custody of, almost 9 years after our divorce). We also had two kids together.
So, in short, I’ve been in the position of both Dung Beetle and her stepdaughter. I hope that qualifies me.
Dung Beetle’s stepdaughter is being a brat. A selfish, spoiled, inconsiderate brat. She stole her mom’s car (who is fighting cancer). She then moved in with Dung Beetle’s family (it seems to avoid getting into trouble with her mom?). She seems to delight in insulting the members of her father’s “new” family. She’s having a hard time? Who the fuck isn’t having a hard time? She’s part of the problem, not the solution here.
There are still many questions I would like to have answered, not that Dung Beetle is obliged to answer them:
What punishment did the daughter receive for stealing her mother’s car?
She then was allowed to go out on a date, which she came home late from, and no mention of any consequences then, either. Was she in trouble for breaking curfew at your house?
I’m confused about the contract. Was it something she wrote on her own and then put out for her dad to see, or something they wrote together? It may suck to have to write it out like that, in your opinion, but if it’s written down then she knows what is expected of her. I think that you do want her to have a nice Christmas with your family, it’s just that your idea of Christmas isn’t what hers is right now. On this, you cannot force her. She will have to decide, when she has a family of her own, what Christmas really means to her.
Do you have a say in ANYTHING she does when she’s in your home, or does your husband think it’s his place only to deal with her discipline? Have you guys been married very long?
If she doesn’t want to buy gifts for anyone, she shouldn’t be obligated to do so, even if it hurts her mother and father - because it’s obvious to me they LET her act this way and you stressing out about it isn’t going to help you or bother her. Control the things that you can, take care of YOUR children and yourself and let the rest go. It’s hard, I struggle with it every day. I know we are halfway through Christmas Day so whatever is happening is already done, but just enjoy your traditions and ignore her attitude when possible, and correct it when the situation calls for it.
Me, I’m in the middle. I personally think teenagers have the responsibility to behave appropriately no matter what’s going on in their lives. At that age you’re a hop, skip and jump away from adulthood and we all know that kind of behavior doesn’t fly just because life is unfair.
On the other hand, I’m sure she’s probably ‘‘acting out.’’ While not excusable, it is at least partly understandable. She ought to have both consequences and compassion. Good luck.
I take it back: Christmas was not fucked after all. The girl went on a date Christmas Eve, stayed at her mom’s house, then came back to us and accepted her gifts without any drama. She gave nothing to anyone that I know of, and I don’t think that’s cool, but I’ve let it go.
I honestly don’t know, though her mom probably attempted something. This happened before Thanksgiving, and the girl had been staying with us for about a week before we heard about it. (She had already snuck out of our house one night at that point). My husband and his ex-wife communicate through their children for the most part.
She got the usual: a stern talking-to. Much more than that, and she gets hysterical and dad backs down.
She wrote the contract on her own. When I saw it, I realized that she really wasn’t looking forward to Christmas with us, but begrudgingly putting up with it instead.
I don’t have a whole lot of input. My husband and I will discuss things when she’s not around, but I have to walk on eggshells. As I said, he’s very sensitive on this topic. I also think he’s afraid to discipline her, in case he loses her love, or she runs away or something.
I can’t speak to all the step-daughter stuff, because I don’t know anything about how those things work, and from the sounds of it from everyone who has one, they are difficult at best, but I can speak to being a 16 year old girl - I’d be more surprised if she didn’t begrudge it. She’s at an age where parents and families are the lamest things in the world.
Oooh, I have to “ditto” that. Both in my family of origin and my step-family, Family Functions became nearly unbearable when I turned 14 or so, and only the allowance to bring a book and an agreement (sort of like her contract, only verbal) that I WOULD practice my small talk skills with my grandparents for 30 (thirty) minutes before sticking my nose into the book for the duration kept me barely civilized. My family was composed of utter morons and troglodytes for about 10 years. It’s amazing how much smarter and more interesting they all got when I turned 24!
