You misspelled “bitter.” 
I’m more of a lager man, myself.
At least partially because of those Christmas mornings…
She had already been there for several days.
Excellent. So what’s one more day?
Proper adults, by your point of view, don’t bother instructing the young in how to behave in a socially acceptable manner. It’s some magical process, possibly granted by unicorns, that teaches one to be polite in another’s home. Especially when you’ve invited yourself to another’s holiday celebration.
Next rant up: CarnalK wonders from whence came all these rude, self-entitled, selfish adults. Didn’t they pay attention to their unicorn or something?
Yeah, instead of a “few hours” we can have “sneering about the place while the other kids try to have their celebration.” Nice. I’m sure the others would learn a valuable lesson indeed.
Fuck that noise.
My sixteen year old, no matter how obnoxious she’s being, is not a “guest” in my home. Neither is Dung Beetle’s huband’s daughter. You marry a man (or woman, obviously) with kids, you get kids, not “guests”.
It’s clear that we’re divided into two camps…
(1) Those who think that the teen is a juvenile to be coddled because life isn’t good for her right now and
(2) Those who think that the teen should just shut the fuck up and deal with life, baby.
The deeper issue is the relationship between all of the parents. Being a step-mother, I can only give you what worked for us. If the parents aren’t all on the same page when it comes to raising kids, then all kinds of shit will hit the fan. You can despise your ex-spouse to your very core, but you chose to have kids with him/her so the Rules According to Ruby[sup]TM[/sup] are different.
As the grown up, we have a responsibility to be the grown up. A generation ago, a mis-behaving brat child would be given no credibility, and consequently no power, over the actions of the grownups. Where did we lose that?
Dung Beetle, you have gotten your feelings hurt over the actions of a petty, selfish, 16-year-old-brat and although not specifically stated, your husband as well. The actions (or lack of) your husband may be more central to your issue than the actions of your step child. I wish there was a good book on how to be a good parent, step or otherwise.
A 16-year-old is well past the age of temper tantrums. She can be angry, sad, mad, and glad but she’s of an age to express those emotions as a young adult, not acting out against her family. You or your husband would be moritified to see your daughter act this way in the house of a stranger, why would you be expected to tolerate it in your own home.
If you see it for what it is, you can let go of the resentment and have a good time with or without her.
You may fuck it until you bleed but her home is with her mother and step-father. She ran away from home because she’s not getting along with her mother.
Nah, some of us think that the child should be neither coddled *nor * made to feel like an intruder in her father’s house. Kick her ass, and sure as hell don’t let her ruin your holiday, but treat her like someone who *belongs * there.
xcheopis, I can only assume that you’re not a parent, otherwise you’d realize that your home is also your children’s home, regardless of the custody arrangement.
That explains the divorced parents who can’t be bothered with their children. It’s cute that you want everyone to live your vision of sugarplums but you’ve no way of knowing if the girl considers her father and step-mother’s house to be her home or just a good place for free food and bitching about her mother.
True. Child-raising issues are the only times we ever have a difference of opinion. We’ve never had one of his children stay with us for more than a week, and we’re having kind of a rough time re-integrating the household.
Just to clarify one thing: The girl is welcome back at her mother’s house now. Her mother misses her. She says she likes it better at our house.
Anyway, I’m about to wrap things up here and go on home. I’ve got a much better handle on my emotions now than I did first thing this morning. I appreciate being able to discuss things here; even if everyone didn’t agree with me, it helped. Have a good holiday, everybody. I think I’m going to.
This was my thought as well.
She doesn’t want to do Christmas with you, so she doesn’t want to do Christmas with you. A great gift idea, then, is to let her not do Christmas with you. 
-FrL-
Good for you!
So what would be your point, exactly? That some parents suck? I’m with ya so far. Where you lose me is that the ones who don’t are deluded ninnies who live in a fantasy.
You’ve just got a bit of a hair across today, don’chya hon? Merry Christmas!
Couple of things:
Now I’m worried about twin brother–how sucky would that be, to be with your now ILL mother and step-dad, alone on Xmas? I feel bad for him.
This girl: to me, she sounds jealous of the closeness the OP and her kids have. She also may envy the traditions–sounds to me like there aren’t a whole lot of traditions going on in her mother’s house, ever.
I think she should have to suck it up a bit and play nice, for awhile. Then she should be left alone, if she so chooses.
And I must admit she just might be playing both ends off the middle… she likes it so much better at your house, but won’t be arsed to participate in Christmas? Sounds fishy to me.
Don’t let her get to you, but also don’t close her out. Hard to do, but do your best. I hope the holiday goes well. I for one think it’s great that you offloaded everything here–and why not? That way you don’t have to carry it home with you. Would that I could do the same, but having seen the reception you got, I’ll keep my holiday angst to myself. 
Hey, if you need to, PM me or drop me an email. I’m home with a sick toddler while the husband’s out at his family’s festivities. I’ll be here all night, forlornly clicking New Posts every 120 seconds and wryly noting that for a board full of “atheists”, it’s an awfully slow night around here…
For a country full of “Christians” there’s an awful lot of idolatry, blasphemy, murder, adultery, theft, deceit, etc. going on.
True dat.
Teens are sometimes a big pain in the ass. My own, who live with both their biological parents, are sometimes pains in the ass. Sometimes they’re doing it on purpose to see if they can get a reaction. Sometimes they’re doing it because teens are immature. Either way I try to at least never show that they can affect my good mood and I do my best to not let their behavior affect me.
Don’t let her think she can ruin your Christmas. The contract she wrote sounds perfectly fine to me, it’s her little rebellion so she can feel like she has control even if she pretends to enjoy Christmas. It also allows her to really enjoy herself and keep some sort of weird teen self respect. Chances are if you leave her alone she will fake having fun and then forget that she is miserable and start to really have fun.
If my son wakes up tomorrow and is a Grinch than we will do everything the same as if he was pleasant. It helps to have more of a sense of humor about it.