Technically I guess you won’t be listening, but you get the idea. I just need to vent my frustration out into the ether. I don’t want to talk to my friends about it because…well they know me and some of them know the girls involved and…hell that’s what this forum is for right? I am not really looking for advice, just a digital shoulder to lean on.
First off I guess I should explain the situation. My last serious girlfriend burned me badly. We were engaged and living together, and then one morning she woke up crying and told me that she was really sorry, but she didn’t love me and that we had to end it. She was probably the only girl I can honestly say I ever loved, and I was crushed. This was two years ago this august.
Fast forward to about 6 weeks ago. I have finally moved on with my life and started dating again, but hadn’t found anyone that I was interested enough in to start a serious relationship with. Some lasted a few weeks, one lasted almost two months, but none of them were ever serious by any definition of the word. And its hard for me to date these days because of my job. I work in the theater at night, and at an art gallery by day, and between the two of them, I don’t have a lot of time to do things like go out. But I am ok with that if not a little lonely.
I start working on a show with this girl (we will call her Emily) and she is really cool, but i am not attracted to her. But she is really cool, and I like hanging out with her and think she makes a great friend. As the show progresses, I start to notice that she seems to want to be more than just friends. This is a bit awkward, but I pretend not to notice and do my best not to lead her on hoping that it will all blow over eventually.
Then I meet her friend Beth.
Beth is stunningly beautiful. Beth is funny. Beth is smart. Beth is my type. Even better, Beth seems to like me. Beth is Emily’s best friend. Beth is very much not allowed to like me as Emily met me first, so for a while nothing comes of it.
Now for all of Beth’s good qualities, Beth is a bit damaged, and has a tendency to drink to excess. At this point the show I am working on with Emily is over and I should just run away. But a few weeks after I thought I saw the last of either of them, Beth calls me to invite me to Emily’s birthday party.
Lots of stuff happens as the birthday party, but the upshot is Beth gets drunk, kisses me and then immediately curses herself for being a bad friend and a horrible human being. Since she is drunk, I let it go and the evening ends without any more excitement. No one saw the kiss, no harm no foul. The next day I get a call from Beth apologizing, saying that she didn’t remember much about the evening but was told she had passed out on me for about a half hour, and that she is sooo sorry and embarassed. I foolishly ask her if she remembers anything about the evening at all…long pause on her end of the phone. “I remember kissing you.” She then goes tells me that she really likes me a lot, and if not for Emily she would be all over me, but she can’t hurt Emily, and that the kiss was a mistake and she is really sorry.
It is at this point that I ask her out.
Beth and I are now dating, kind of. We have been seeing each other, as more than just friends for almost 2 weeks. I know I shouldn’t have asked her out, and she really shouldn’t have said yes, but sometimes people are just drawn together like magnets. And the whole us starting to date wasn’t as cut and dry as I just wrote it to be. But that is where I am today. Because Emily can’t know we are dating things are…weird and complicated. Beyond that Beth is, as I said, damaged. On our second date she said to me that she has a problem with love, not that she can’t love, but that she can’t handle being loved. Not a problem now I don’t love her, but I very easily see myself falling for her, even with all the damage, and I don’t want to get hurt. But I don’t see any way out of this, because I don’t seem capable of just walking away. She also said today that she didn’t want to see me for a few days, because we spent three nights in a row together already this week, and too much togetherness freaks her out. :smack: I should run, I know I should run. If any of my friends were telling me this I would say to them, run away and don’t look back.
But she is the only person in the last two years that I have even remotely felt this way about. I think about her and want to be with her all the time. We have spent the last week IMing each other all day long from work, and I spent the night at her house the other day. I feel like a relationship, potentially a good one, is starting to form and I am frightened by all the obstacles, and mad that I can’t just walk away.
I know that there is no way that this won’t end badly, but I really need to try to make it work. I don’t know why, but I do. Things shouldn’t be this complicated. The thing with Emily would be plenty to deal with. Her neurosis would be huge to handle on its own, and my neurosis IS huge. All on their own these problems would be more than enough to seriously put into question any chance of things working out. But put all three together .
I am so screwed. I am in my early 20’s, why do I feel like this is something out of a bad high school soap opera. I should be more mature than this, I should not still be having these problems. Isn’t life supposed to work out more easily when you are a grown up? I am sure someone told me that when I was little. Well how much longer till I stop acting like a kid.
I should run, but I am not going to. Instead I am going to chat online with her while I am at work tomorrow and Friday, and then go to a concert with her Saturday and sleep over at her place. Because when we are together, its really good. Good in a way it hasn’t been in two years. Not with anybody. I need this to stay good for a little while more. I am a selfish asshole, because I am not the only one who stands to get hurt in this senario. I know that. But I have to figure out how to make this work.
That is all, commence with the telling me to stop being a whiney bitch.