Here is seven bucks, I want to buy your mom each night next week.
In response to the smart retort “Make me!”…
…I don’t make monkeys, I just train them!
[sub]from PeeWee’s Big Adventure[/sub]
“You’re obviously not the brightest candle in the chandelier now, aren’t you?”
Response to: “If I told you you had a great body, would you hold it against me?”
Me: “Certanly, but it’ll be my fist, at a high degree of impact with your jaw.” (Not the most witty, but, eh. You try to come up with something at the spur of the moment, when you’re more intent on something else.)
Or, to a case of someone who’s just said something to put their proverbial foot in their mouth:
“Would you like some relish with that foot?”
__
<< Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. >>
Here is a short list of people who are not interested on whatever you have to say:
Me
Everyone else
There is the one where you flip someone off, and then tell them to sit and spin
From my former days as a ‘regular’ Landover Baptist member.
“I’d rebuke you, but there just isn’t time!”
“You’ve already made the Baby Jesus cry, and Satan is wincing!”
“Peter, Paul and Oh-My-God-Oh-My-God-Mary!”
“This just in: Jesus loves you, the Pope is lukewarm, and the Saints just threw an interception!”
If I want your opinion, I’ll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
The other one I like can’t be explained easily in words. You look at them, open your mouth like you’re going to say something, stay that way for a couple of seconds, then turn back to the person you’re with and say, “Anyway, as I was saying…” Of course, this only works when you’re actually with someone else.
Student: “You’re gettin old, man!”
My distinguished, straight-faced senior English teacher: “That’s not what your mother said last night.”
Me, upon being told “F you”: “Sorry, you have neither the looks nor the money.”
Every once in a while I’ll use a Rockism: “See this keyboard? I’m gonna shine it up reeeeeeeal nice, turn it sideways …” Well, y’all know the rest. Though people give me funny looks when I quote wrestlers.
More bar/pub self-defence:
“Any part of you that touches me, you’re NOT getting back!”
Said in response to,well just about anything,
“I see the wheel’s still spinning but the hampsters dead”
Other person: [rant rant rant]
Me: Feel better now?
Whoa!!! That is cold. Good one though.
Mine’s not very great but it makes me feel good. I just look at them increduously for a few seconds and then start laughing. Really really pisses them off. My way of saying they’re just a joke.
Thats what happens when your parents have the same name before they get married.
Its great when they still have a sense of humor at that age.
I dont go to your work and knock the burgers off the grill.
“excuse me?!?” “there’s no excuse for you.”
in response to someone who is doing something rather slowly: “you (insert action here) the way old people fuck!”
not original, I’m afraid, but:
“Did your mother have any children who lived?”
“When I want your opinion I’ll divine it from your entrails.”
and from the movie Arthur: “Please. Try not to talk.”
Borrowed from David Sedaris’ Santaland Diaries"
Asshole: I’m going to have you fired.
You*(quietly, but still with menace)*: I’m going to have you killed.
“You, my friend, are nothing more than a pus-filled boil on the ass of society.”
I think I stole that from someone…oh yeah, I think I stole this one too: “I envy you, you are truly unaffected by the ravages of an intellect”…no idea where I got that one, but I know I heard it somewhere 
<flipping the finger> Sit and spin; when you reach my elbow Smile. --a gross addendum to “sit & spin.”
Perch and Rotate ! --a polite variation (I think it was from Murphy Brown)
Obviously evolved from the shallow end of the gene pool.
and, spoken by Vincent price in a very obscure movie
“Please… Don’t interrupt me whilst I am soliloquizing.”
daere
Both of these addressed to my friend Hellman when he was being a jackass:
“You know, you’re a waste of sperm that might have otherwise made your mother a good meal.” followed later by “You couldn’t pass the intelligence requirement to be a rodeo clown.”
–John
“A classic example of the inverse ratio between the size of the mouth and the size of the brain.” A little long to get out but I like it.
"Can I buy you a drink? “No but could I have the money instead?”
“Somewhere there’s a village missing its idiot.”
Hold up three fingers and tell them to “Read between the lines.”
Well I’m out of what little wit I have left.