Conversations That I Wish I'd had…

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
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Conversations That I Wish I’d had…

This weekend, I was lucky enough to be able to attend the promotion of a friend’s son to First Degree Black Belt. It was extra special because it was very close to both of his boys’ birthdays. I and my wife have always been close with this couple since we first met, back in college, and over the years I’ve gotten to know their family as they’ve gotten to know mine. Now over the years, Rich and I have gained a bit of weight; neither of us is what you would call thin. The thing is, though, that while he is as healthy as a horse, I developed some pretty severe health issues and as a last ditch attempt to try to control my Diabetes and blood pressure, I had gastric bypass surgery. Currently I’m managing my heath issues, but I’ve grown a bit thinner in the past year.

While at this party, I started to talk to Rich’s Mom. He got up to straighten a matter out with the caterer and the first thing she did was turn to me and say “I wish Rich would lose weight like you.” It was a party, so I held my tongue, but in a perfect world, I would have said the following:

You want your perfectly healthy son to ‘lose weight like me’? Why would you wish major health problems on him? Don’t you know that he graduated at the top of his class from an Engineering School, one I couldn’t even hope to get accepted to? Its one of the reasons why he was able to drive a sports car right after college while I drove a second-hand hatchback. Didn’t he tell you when he taught courses in college? Weren’t you there when he got his advanced degree(s)? Take a look over there at his beautiful and talented wife. She had the option not to work while their kids were young because he was such a good provider. My wife & I both worked because we had to. She works now by choice, not by need (she’s still damn good at what she does too).

Take a look at those handsome and talented grandkids, the ones he’s raising with his wife. Both get good grades and both are black belts in Karate. (One second Dan) They are also both handsome & well mannered. I like to think my kids are well mannered, but when I think of his kids, I can’t help but be jealous of his successes (and occasionally try to copy his parenting style). Its another thing that I hope to learn from his example. Yet you want him to be more like me? To ‘lose weight like me’? Lady, when I die, I’ll be lucky if he speaks at my funeral. I have my own issues with my own dead mother with the ‘I Love You But(s)’. ‘I Love You But’ means you Don’t love someone, because Love is unconditional. Honest To God, Lady, How Big a Mountain Does He Have To Move To Win Your Freaking Approval???

I wish I had said these things. I wish I could have removed the cataracts from her eyes to let her see. I wish I could have helped her to understand the point that her dependence on a walker made so very clear: No one lives forever. Exactly when was it that you were planning to tell your son how proud you are of him? And Mean It…!? The hell with the weight, when were you going to just say that you loved him for him???

Tick-Tock, lady, Tick-Tock…

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You could said very succinctly, “I had to have gastric bypass surgery to lose weight due to serious health problems. Is that what you wish for your son?” Just lay your cards right on the table, there. That might be what she wishes for her son; people are strange.

Of course, she might have just meant that she doesn’t want to lose him to a premature death from his weight, and didn’t phrase it very well.

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Could you write her a letter?

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I’m tempted, but I know it would snowball backwards and explode in my face. I’d be the guy who harassed the little old lady in a walker. My friends would end the friendship. But, if she says it again, and if I practice speaking all this in a calm and reassuring manner, maybe she’ll get it. If she doesn’t, at least it will get said.

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I don’t think there would be anything wrong with telling her something like, “Your son is a good man, living a good life. Isn’t that enough?”

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As the devil’s advocate, and I would like to say that I have absolutely no idea about the relationship between your friend and his mother, but I would like to put this out there:

It is possible that you will be seen (and, to some degree, I see you like this) negatively, because of this factor:

People who are overweight, especially significantly so (you say that you gained “a little” weight, yet you had to have gastric bypass), are extraordinarily touchy about any implication that their condition is either willful or due to physical self-neglect.

People who are overweight take great and vocal exception to most (if not all) such observations because of their own perception (which is not entirely skewed) that an observation about them physically is a critique of them morally.
Keeping those two things in mind, let me ask you these questions- or, more appropriately, perhaps you should consider them when formulating your response:

Is your anger at this woman fueled by a feeling that you are being judged? Are you angry at this woman because you believe that she only sees you as admirable because you “lost” weight (which she might see as “discipline” but you know is surgical and resent being so judged)?

Is your admiration for your friend somehow fueling your anger, since you have an idealized view of him which you see as being threatened by an observation/judgment that you see as invalid and insulting?
Consider those when talking to her, because it could easily be construed that you are taking excessive umbrage at a mother (overbearing or no) judging your hero by a standard you find personally insulting because you share it, that is, obesity.

I

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I don’t know the situation here either. Maybe his mom is very rough on him, but is is possible that she was just trying to pay you a compliment in an albeit very tactless way? Maybe your issues with your own Mom’s “I love you but” statements are tainting your image of her? Maybe she showers praise on him all the time about how happy she is for him? I can’t say for sure because there isn’t enough information.

She definitely made a faux pas, but unless you are sure that she’s giving him hell for being fat, but otherwise successful, then I’d say stay out of it. I know the circumferentially challenged have loads of pressure and other problems to deal with on top of weight problems, but it sounds like this is a bit harsh. Did she discuss it at length with it with you? Did she say it with a friendly smile to let you know it was a compliment? More context is needed to say for sure.