I’ve allway wanted to try, but never have the guts to try Jim Carrey’s line from
“Liar Liar”
I’m a little upset about a bad sexual episode I had last night!
Other than “Hello”, obviously. 
My father uses “Speak”. Those who respond by barking earn extra credit.
My grandfather used his last name.
“Sam’s Mortuary. You stab 'em, we slab 'em. Sam speaking!”
Some Navy types who had spent waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much time at sea answered their home telephones with things like “Aft steering” and “CIC” and “Mess decks”.
“What?”, aka, “Whaddaya want?”
And the ever popular (when answering at home on a Saturday morning): “Good morning, thank you for calling <company name>. This is chique. Can I help you?”
I usually respond to “How are you?” with a question of my own:
“Do you want an honest answer, or a polite lie?”
My standard reply:
“I’m so happy I can hardly stand myself.”
Relative/compared to who/whom/what?
My standard response to How are you? is “Great, ask anyone.” I leave it to the questioner to figure out exactly what I mean by that.
My current fave:
“Walking upright & breathing on my own!”
I have two standards.
“I’m just ducky” wait a beat and then say: “I’m quacking up.”
and
“I feel more like I do now than I did before.”
I’m doing fine, considering my alternatives.
Or …
From My Fair Lady …
I feel pretty, oh so pretty.
(Especially good for a guy to say.)
Whoops … have to sneak one more in here:
Do you have a gun I can borrow?
That’s from West Side Story.
Dressed and awake.
Does he say it like Lawrence Welk?
I usually respond with
Fair to partly cloudy with a slight chance of rain in the afternoon.
Or
Five seals have be broken, only two to go.
Or (more advanced) Grab them and say “I feel pretty good with my hands, not my eyes.”
My typical responses to the “How are you?”, “How’s it going?”, etc. are
Semi-fair. If pressed for an explanation I say that I didn’t win the lottery, but I wasn’t run over by a bus, either.
Well enough.
Fabulous! Simply fabulous!
Fair to middlin’.
I’ve been better, but then again, I’ve been worse. I prefer better.
Not as well as I’d like, but better than I deserve.
And to the question “So how has life been treating you lately?” I usually answer with “Not as well as I’ve been treating it.”
You should then add: “And I’m keepin’ you down!”
If you are asked “How are you feeling?” you could grab a body part, give it a squeeze, and then ask the greeter “I think I feel ok, what do you say?” and then offer the body part in question for their opinion.
My favorite is “I feel better than James Brown” -from MC 900FT Jesus- which had a really odd video in the eighties featuring a singing ventriliquist dummy.
My usual response:
Q: How are you?
A: Yes!
Of course, for all you hipsters out there, you could probably get by with saying, “A’ight.”
I usually respond with a singularly bad C. Montgomery Burns impression: “eehxcellent”
I had a boss who was over the top fake and cheerful and pretended to care about you when he didn’t. One morning shortly before i left i got sick of him and when he said “Burn! How you doing!” I paused for a few seconds and looked contemplative and said “well… my nuts itch.”
THat seemed to satisfy his curiosity.
I’m all right, except for the pain.