Probably the different varieties of VD they’ll be giving her (remember the name of the thread!)
They all shut up because they’ve been knocked unconscious by carbon monoxide poisoning. Ooops, looks like it gets you just seconds later.
I wish I could find the archeological artifact that would make my career a towering success, and enjoy the benefits for many years to come.
Granted, but before you enjoy the benefits, you have to marry the old bag.
I wish I could live on Martha’s Vineyard all summer long.
Your wish is granted, however, since you’re not actually on vacation during that time, you’ll have to commute every day from where you actually live (where was that again?).
I wish I was wiser but not older.
Done.
You are now exactly one mote wiser. Wisdom, being the greatest of virtues, is derived from fifty motes of virility and vitality. You break a hip and die soon after, you young thing you!
I wish I had an army of unfailingly loyal ninjas whom I could summon and unsummon at will.
Granted. However, at first summoning, you find that they are unfailingly loyal to your worst enemy and not to you.
I wish that we could all just get along.
As the Ceres-sized meteors head inexorably for Earth, everyone sings a spirited and loving chorus of ‘I Did It My Way’ each in their own native tongue, while holding hands. It’s quite touching, actually.
I wish the DEA and their ilk would quit persecuting medical cannabis patients.
They do, and every medical cannibis patient dies a horrible death from pesticides sprayed onto the pot. Because part of the DEA’s ‘ilk’ is the FDA.
I wish I had the same amount of musical talent as THE Wolfgang Mozart, while retaining the same mental faculties I possess now.
THE Wolfgang Mozart, a sewer worker in Blawnox, Pa., insists he’s every bit as as much a Wolfgang Mozart as that rebel composer guy from Amadeus. And now you’re just as musically talented as he is, which is to say, not at all.
I wish I’d never been to Blawnox.
The United States Postal Service’s evil nomenclature hegemony … it’s like it never was! You’ve never been to Blawnox—it’s always been known as Hoboken, PA!
I wish I could join the Legion of Doom.
Granted. The Legion of Doom inducts you as a test subject for prospective members to demonstrate their powers on. Enjoy your (brief) stay!
I wish it was time to go home for the weekend.
Done. You can head home but whichever mode of transportation you use, will be held up by a 3-hour major disruption. This includes if you walk or bike.
I wish I could get motivated enough to achieve six-pack abs (Og, I’m shallow).
Can I play?
You are now that motivated. However, you will use the motivation not to exercise but to commit corporate fraud at a level that makes the guys from Enron look like pikers. Hundreds of thousands face an impoverished old age, because of you.
And they know your name.
And address.
I wish I would just get off my butt and clean my office.
Your buttcheeks have now become a very massive Staples-brand “Easy Button” so that every time you grab your butt the vortex engages and all office fixtures get inexorably sucked into the ensuing vacuum.
I wish that I could get my roommate (who wrote the above) to stop making stupid redneck jokes.
By now, of course, you know that he’s irrrepressible. The only way to shut him up is to kill him, which you do. Justice moves with uncharacteristic swiftness; you’re prosecuted, convicted and executed within days.
I wish Hillary would quit the Presidential campaign already.
Hillary does quit the Presidential Campaign, and instead begins to plot mass murders to place her into a position to assume the Presidency once she’s assassinated everyone between her and the Oval Office. (How she’ll make Speaker of the House from the Senate is left as an exercise for the student.)
I wish I had an EMP gun, harmless to all biological forms of life and all electronics but cell phones, that I could use to kill cell phones and only those cell phones I target. Especially the cell phones of people driving like idiots while talking on a hand held cell phone.
That would be…well not easy but doable. First she would have every member of the senate ranked higher than her taken out so that she would become president pro tempore, then assassinate the POTUS, VP and Speaker. Leaving her as president.
I did say it was mass murder she began planning. 
The people talking on their cell phones while driving spend 20 seconds trying to figure out why their phones stopped working instead of watching the road, just as a semi truck full of ball bearings spills its cargo all over the busiest freeway in your town. Hillarity ensues!
I wish people would shut the fuck up in movie theaters.
People shut the fuck up in movie theatres, but start fucking the shut up in them. It’s very distracting.
I wish I could always be the only bidder on ebay, with all starting bids at 99 cents.
Each movie theatre now has an integrated laser enforcement system. If someone dares to talk after the main feature starts, they get disintegrated. Alas the popularity of movies plummets as a result, and the only films we ever get to see anymore consist of Youtube videos of action figures having sex.
I wish that there was a Board for the Historical Accuracy of Film, who would enforce historical realism with an iron fist (and/or disintegrating pistols). No more silly anachronisms, no more romanticizing certain past eras-we get to see them in all their terrible glory, no matter how unpalatable to modern audiences.
Edit: Curse you Annie! I’m going to start posting “Under Construction” in my posts, then edit them.