You have a flashlight, but you accidentally the whole thing.
I wish my computer was faster.
It’s plenty fast,; now that it’s in the trunk of a stolen corvette.
I wish I had brought lunch.
There’s no electrical system in the world that can handle the load.
“You have a flashlight, but you accidentally the whole thing.”
I wish I knew what you meant.
You do, and this eldritch forbidden knowledge drives you mad.
I wish Cthulhu were real.
Meet Charles L. Cthulhu, an accountant in Hackensack, NJ.
I wish that for the perfect video game library and a desktop that can run everything perfectly on the highest settings.
Your wish is granted. It’s too bad that video games cause you siezures.
I wish to get promoted at work.
Congratulations! You’re the new executive vice president of changing your boss’s diapers!
I wish I knew where I put the remote.
You will no longer have any trouble finding the remote, as it has been transplated onto your forehead.
I wish I could eat whatever I wanted and no gain weight.
Done. But you now have no appetite, and you waste away.
I wish I would never, ever get scurvy.
You die after an allergic reaction to lime juice.
I wish I was smarter
You can solve 12th-degree polynomials & trivial problems like Fermat’s Last Theorem in your sleep, but lack any sort of normal functioning in day-to-day life because you are now an idiot savant.
I wish I were an Oscar Meyer weiner!
Only kids like you. Even the ones who climb on rocks. You get arrested.
I wish i didn’t keep misplacing my glasses.
A couple of nails through the glass into your eyeballs will do the trick nicely.
I wish that I had a perfect memory and never forgot anything.
You remember everything every living creature has experienced back to the very beginnings of time.
I wish I could lose my glasses.
Your glasses, along with your eyeballs that are still nailed to them, go missing.
I wish for the world’s most perfect hamburger.
And it’s so perfect, you can’t bring yourself to eat it.
I wish I had a Seeing Eye Dog.
You now have a seeing-eye dog. Because you are blind. Nice wish, a-hole 
I wish it was lunchtime.
It is lunchtime somewhere. Not just where you are.
I wish I had a pair of cowboy boots.
Btw in case you really, really want to know what I was riffing on, click on this.
Here are your new cowboy boots – made out of real cowboys!
I wish that Community will get 6 seasons and a movie.