I think it’s perfectly reasonable to want your partner to be in good shape, but I don’t see why some people have to be so nasty about it.
edit: I answered ‘yes’ in the poll, although that would not be my preference.
You forgot sex on your list. You should not discriminate against people based on their sex. I trust that this was just an oversight.
I hope these people (or their partner/spouse) are never seriously injured, never has a major medical problem necessitating long-term antidepressants or steroids or any of a dozen other meds.
I suppose some people need to feel superior to others by any means necessary.
I voted no, and I don’t get all of this idea about how not being willing to enter into a sexual relationship with someone because of obesity is in anyway correlated with shallowness. First, taking just a sexual relationship, without considering any romantic entanglement, it’s pretty much either because you are attracted to that person and want to sleep with them, or you’re not and you just want to get laid. In either case, regardless of which reason it is, I’d call either motivation shallow. Really, the only time it would really come in is if you’re so unattracted to the person that you can’t even get aroused, at which point it’s obviously not the former motivation, and if it’s not even a sexually enticing or potentially enjoyable situation, it doesn’t satisfy that latter.
More importantly, speaking for myself but I’m sure it applies to others, I have zero interest in casual sex. I’m only interested in sex with a woman with whom I’m in a real relationship. In that regard, it is extremely difficult to imagine that I could be in a relationship with a woman that is obese, and that’s not even accounting for how attractive she may or may not be. Fitness and my health are things that are important to me, and I spend a lot of time and energy with my workouts. A woman who is obese is extraordinarily unlikely to share that common value with me and, as such, is unlikely to be compatible with me for the sake of a relationship. And the same goes for other important values to me, like intelligence and an artistic nature; by that same token, I’ve turned away more than a couple gorgeous women that were incompatible for those reasons.
That’s not to say that I’m not interested in an attractive woman–I am–but like I think most people, meeting someone who is amazingly compatible but maybe a bit below expectations in physical attractive, would probably be okay with that. I’d call it shallow if they are willing to bend on some important characteristic for the sake of beauty but aren’t willing to bend on beauty for the sake of other important characteristics. So if fitness and health aren’t critical for someone, then I can understand being fine with it to a certain degree. It certainly would be weird, from my perspective, to insist on not dating someone unless they were in good shape while one isn’t oneself.
I hear this a lot as a reason to not date the obese. So I have a general question – no gotcha intended. Just curious.
So, you meet a lovely woman with exercise-induced asthma. She is under treatment with a good doctor, but cardio-heavy workouts just won’t be happening. She is otherwise a great match for you.
Do you explore other interests with her?
Not** Blaster Master**, but I feel the same as he does on the issue based on his reply, so I’ll answer, too.
Fitness affects your whole life. It’s not exactly that I need a partner to be able to do jumping jacks for an hour, but I do need them to be able to keep up with me in my day-to-day activities without being physically uncomfortable or unhappy with the activities I like to do.
I’ve got friends and family that are morbidly obese, and I could never be happy dating someone in their condition. They have to sit a lot. They do not wish to go on long hikes, or ride horses, or go to amusement parks, or to build stuff that requires a lot physical work. These are the things that I like to do. It just is not a good match for me to be with someone who doesn’t like to do the things I like to do. So if you have a medical condition that does not allow you to do the things I like to do, then you’re not a good match for me, even if we are compatible in other ways. Our lives just don’t match up.
Ah, yes. And I guess being called a “porker” is so fun that people are just CHOOSING to be fat too, huh? It’s amazing so many people are willingly choosing a state that brings a person such positive attention and high regard.
“Well, I don’t think what I said was bigoted, so it must not be.” :smack:
Nobody gets fat because it brings positive attention and high regard. People get fat because sweet and fatty food is abundant and delicious and exercising is fucking awful.
I gained some weight since I’ve been with my wife. I’m a bit overweight, not obese and certainly not morbidly obese. If it bothered her I’d be much more motivated to lose weight than I am. But I’m certainly not naive or deluded enough to pretend I can’t possibly be responsible for my own excess fat because nobody would willingly choose to endure being less than their physical ideal. I’m overweight because I love cookies so damn much and hate going to the gym. The negative side effects, especially social stigma are just a disappointing consequence. I reckon that covers about 95-99% of overweight people.
Michael Jackson did.
70 lbs over is not that much. I don’t even consider that as “morbidly” obese. I had sex with several women with such an extra.
Now, someone weighting three times their ideal weight with mobility becoming an issue? No.
I don’t see myself ever *starting *a relationship with someone that overweight. But if I were committed to someone who gained that much weight, I wouldn’t leave for that.
(and I wouldn’t cut off the sex).
To a large degree, this. I like to be active, and think things like hikes or walks or even just going to the gym together are a great way to enjoy each other’s company.
Or to put it in another way. If I were to meet someone who is tone deaf or maybe just doesn’t care much for music, but is otherwise a great match, it just plain won’t work for me because music is an even greater passion for me than being active. In fact, I met a beautiful woman, very intelligent, active, saw eye to eye on a lot of stuff, but was happy to listen to whatever or nothing. It became very clear to me that that was going to be a problem. I don’t recall how it ended, whether it was me or her, but I wasn’t heartbroken because, despite otherwise being great on paper, even just that one thing was enough that we didn’t click.
That all said, given the situation proposed by GrumpyBunny, I’m immediately turned off by some extra weight. Considering how often and intensely I work out, I don’t expect a woman to be all nuts about it, and I can even appreciate some physical limitations. But there’s also a difference between having exercise-induced asthma, but still doing what one can, and being obese. That is, even if I developed some sort of condition, I’d still be pushing myself, even if it’s not nearly as far as I can now.
Now, sure, I suppose it’s possible that someone could really be like that in some regard and still have some series of conditions that pretty much preclude that, but I could also meet a woman who is the female equivalent of Beethoven, that is deaf but still utterly passionate about music and I could really click with musically even if she can’t hear it the way I do. Ultimately, being pragmatic, it’s just not going to happen.
And yeah, there are some people, possibly even most, who will say that sort of thing, and what they really mean is that they won’t date anyone below a certain level of physical attractiveness. But for someone like me, I want to take a girl I’m seeing on some active dates, I’ve even tried dating a girl who was attractive but did very little to no exercise, and the difference in our energy levels was problematic. I wanted to go hiking, she wanted to sit on the couch and watch tv.
By the same token, I realize that there are things that seem relatively minor for me that are deal breakers for others. I’ve been rejected for not being a reader, for not being an atheist, not being religious enough, political views, not being worldly/enjoying traveling enough, and others I’m sure I’ve forgetting. Hell, one actually rejected me for being too in shape. It is what it is.
I voted No, and I decline to think myself shallow as a result. I am not attracted to people to whom I am not attracted. That’s how it is.
I suppose it is like sexual orientation. Maybe that guy is very handsome and funny and nice. But he doesn’t trigger the necessary response for me to pursue it. Likewise for someone who outweighs me.
Think of it as being my kink, if you like.
Regards,
Shodan
This, exactly. I was very much in love with my man’s mind and humor, but the weight (and other problems) eventually became a turn-off. It would take an exceptional person to prompt me to do that again.
70 lbs? Sure. But that’s not what I think of when I consider the phrase “morbidly obese.”
This post is just dripping with irony.
To each their own… but I am in a relationship with a woman more than 70 pounds over the ideal and I’m OK with it.
There are only two problems in my mind:
- I am concerned about health issues, especially as we both get older.
- While the weight isn’t a turn-off for me, her insecurity about her weight is a major turn-off. I suppose body image/insecurity can be independent of weight, so if I could go back and do it all over again, I’d pick someone who could handle the fact that I like to look at them naked.
Well, sure you did - how could they possibly resist your charm?
When thin is all you’ve got going for you, I guess people work it to death.
I’m not answering the OP in any way, but I do get this. Even non-fitness related things suffer and if they’re things you care about, your compatibility decreases.
My mom is about 70-100 pounds overweight. Going on vacation with her is out. She doesn’t walk far, and it’s 100% due to her weight. She’s otherwise healthy. But she and my sister went to Italy together and it sounded very unpleasant to me. I guess after a while they mostly split up, because my mother wasn’t into all the walking, and when she was walking, she was at the least talking about being “done” and more frequently, complaining. Had that been a romantic trip rather than a family one, I’d imagine it might change or end the relationship.