I hate cramps. I hate my period. It HURTS dammit! I feel like someone is inside my belly, punching me. It hurts sooooo bad!!!
Sometimes it sucks being a chick.
You have my sympathies. Sometimes ibuprofin works for me. Have you tried that? Hang in there.
comfort
Ooh, ouch, damn, I wish I knew how to fix that. I’m Mr. Fixit, I can keep the plumbing, heating, cooling, and electrical systems in our house running perfectly, there’s nothing I can’t build or fix…except this.
I’ve seen my dear wife suffer with this so many times, and so often wished there was some way I could take the pain away. But there isn’t. I can do nothing. I make her tea, bring her Ibuprofen, rub her back, tell her how beautiful she is, and it seems to help a little, but the misery is still there and I can’t fix it.
And that really pisses me off. It’s like the ultimate indignity from an unjust deity, to make women suffer so for no good reason. Is there any creature but humans that suffers like this for their fertility? I don’t think so.
Well, male bees explode upon orgasm, plugging the female with their blown-off genitals to ensure fertilization…
Sympathy.
But on the other hand The Cramps are a damn fine band :).
Hmmm…Now where did I leave my copy of Songs the Lord Taught Us…
- Tamerlane
Yeah, I hate cramps, too. I think there should be a law that if male SO’s are not sympathetic enough about cramps, we can kick them in the nuts to instill some compassion 
Aleve (taken two at a time, no matter what the package says) is the best treatment I’ve found.
On inspection, I didn’t really mean compassion. More like empathy.
lots of ice cream and chocolate, combined with a hot water bottle and some hard drugs (well, codeine and ibuprofen) will make you feel better.
failing that, frantic sex usually takes my mind of it.
Frantic sex is always good, but in my case, horribly messy. Horribly, horribly messy. One day per cycle I risk a lot just by leaving the bathroom. I wear 2 super pads and still end up wiping up the floor.
What bothers me is why so many of us suffer from this but no one really knows what causes it. I take Vicodin and ibuprofen and I still feel it. I feel better, but I still feel the cramps.
At least the medical profession admits it may not just be in our heads anymore. Silly females!
Guin, have you ever tried to take calcium supplements? They supposedly alleve menstral symptoms (when you take them throughout the month). Lately, I’ve been eating a lot of cheese. I think it’s been helpful keeping the cramps down.
Now here’s an idea!
Bush is considering appointing a doctor to the Food and Drug Administration advisory committee that makes recommendations on women’s reproductive health drugs. He recommends prayer for PMS.
Hope you feel better soon. Get someone to tickle your back gently or your tummy to distract from the pain. That is a technique used in LaMaze childbirth classes.
Just be sure your friend does this night and day as long as the cramps endure.
It’s not worth enduring all of this pain just to have children…but it is worth it to have grandchildren some day.
And do not forget the painfull breasts owwwwwwwwwwww
<Shudder>
Not to seem unsympathetic re: cramps, but please don’t even joke about this.
Realistically, there are no words to describe the pain felt when a guy’s nuts are even mildy grazed, much less when they take a direct hit. Don’t believe me? Watch a movie where a guy takes one in the groin and observe how the males in the room react. At a minimum, all will wince in a moment of “shared pain.” Many guys will instinctively squeeze their legs together in sympathy. Some guys will even reach down and gently cup the ol’ nutsack, just to reassure themselves that their buddies are still alive and well and unharmed, as well as to reassure their two friends by communicating the idea that “I would never let such a thing happen to you.”
I know I’ve said that there are no words to describe the pain, but for the benefit of the other half of the species, I will try. Let’s say that I’ve been kicked directly in the groin…
Stage I: The Calm Before the Storm
This stage comprises the three seconds immediately following the impact. No pain is felt whatsoever. I liken this stage to cresting a hill on a roller coaster - Just enough time to realize that exceptionally bad things are about to happen to you. A guy has just about enough time to think “Did I just get kicked in the nuts?” before proceeding to Stage II.
Stage II: Blinding and Indescribable Pain
Stage II lasts approximately 45 seconds. To describe the sensation as “pain” does it no justice. Perhaps an analogy would help…
Pain: Getting kicked in the nuts :: The 13-inch B&W TV set in your bedroom: The DiamondVision in Shea Stadium
As you can see, we’re taking the concept of “pain” to an entirely new level, such that if you were describe it as “pain” in a casual conversation, every guy in the room would immediately scowl as if you had understated the size of his penis. By 10 inches.
Here is the best I can do to describe the sensation. Put all ten of your knuckles in a vise. Have a friend slowly tighten the vise until the bones of your knuckles turn to powder. Oh, I almost forgot…The clamps of the vise should be lined with razor blades and sharp pieces of ground-up glass.
During Stage II, rational thought is impossible, so instinct takes over. This is what produces the “duck and cover” reaction so common to Stage II. Many guys simply drop to the ground, shielding the scrotum with both hands and spasmodically clamping the thighs together.
Stage III: The Light at the End of the Tunnel
As the lightning storms in the pain centers of the brain subside, the capacity for rational thought returns. As the subject’s speech center comes back on line, he may utter one of the following phrases, albeit several octaves higher than his normal speaking voice:
- “Why me?”
- “Oh, God. Please… no more.”
- “Please kill me.”
At this stage, the pain is comparable to releasing ones knuckles from the vice and brazing them lightly with an acetylene torch.
Many guys will try to get up from the floor and stand under their own power as they approach the end of Stage III. This is a futile gesture.
Stage IV: Why do I Feel Like I Need to Take a Shit?
As the testicles slowly descend from their special hiding places just above the top of the ribcage and back into the scrotum, a new sensation replaces the blinding pain - That of having a 20-pound cinderblock dancing on one’s anal sphincter. Many guys erroneously believe that this means they have to defecate. Rather, this is the body’s way of saying, “Never let this happen again!”
Motor function gradually returns during Stage IV. Most guys see this as an opportunity to run to the bathroom, drop trou and ensure that the testicles have returned to duty. At this point, the doo-dads are tender and achy. Even the most delicate touch will send the average guy back to repeat Stage III.
Eventually, everything returns to “normalcy.” But the emotional scars last forever.
Not to belittle the pain of menstrual cramps, here, but I just wanted to make the point that the notion of kicking a guy in the nuts is something that should not be taken lightly. We now return you to your regularly scheduled thread about Guin’s menstrual cramps.
</hijack>
I used to have to take 5-8 ibuprofens!
Birth control pills help.
Guin, I feel your pain. No, really. I FEEL your pain. My period started today too. I spent Friday and Saturday sucking down an entire package of semi-sweet chocolate chips. Ugh.
If your stomach can stand it, I’ve taken 3 Aleve (Naproxyn Sodium) at a time. It seems to work best for cramps for me.
I love being a woman but I sure won’t miss this.
And then there’s those of us who have no intention of ever having kids, and never have, since day one. All this pain and mess and fuss over something I NEVER WANTED IN THE DAMN FIRST PLACE!!!
:: pant, pant ::
(Had to get that offa my chest.)
Okay, two words - Endometrial Ablation. From this site:
**
This is an outpatient procedure, and sounds like it is pretty painless.
Menopause is too far away for me. I want this. I want it now. (On the plus side, though, I’ve noticed that my cramps have gotten much better as I’ve gotten older - does that help at all? Something to live for?)
For a second there, I thought I read ‘install some compassion’. I was getting ready to upgrade to boyfriend 3.0.
My suggestion would be to get a product call The Magic Bag (pause for :rolleyes: after the previous nut-hitting hijack)
It’s a bag full of some kind of cereal that you can put in the microwave to warm up and then put it on you like a heating pad. But it’s better because it’s portable - you can stilll sit read the Straightdope. It seems to help a lot.
I’m a member of the Vomiting-Cold-Sweats-Fetal-Position-On-the-Floor School of Cramps…so a big hug for you, Guin. I’m utterly incapacitated during this period, no pun intended. I have warned all of my employers over the years that occasionally, I will not be able to come in to work, and no, it isn’t an excuse or a reason to go party or me taking advantage of the fact that I’m a girl.
I’ve tried just about everything; the only thing that works consistently is prevention. Taking Advil a couple of days before I start, and then popping three of 'em the MOMENT I even suspect I’ve started, seems to hold 'em at bay most of the time. If I wake up with them, or get caught unawares, I’m toast.
And the truly awful cramps do seem to come around less often as I get older; I’m 24 now. And I don’t know if this is because I know how to prevent/manage them, or if it’s because they’re actually lessening in strength. (The only thing that got rid of 'em completely was birth control pills.)
As an aside…they say that women who have severe menstrual cramps have an easier time with labor than women who don’t. (I honestly forget where I read this, so pardon the lack of a cite, but the research basically tried to say that menstrual cramps are a physical preparation and practice for labor.)
I don’t buy it. I say that women with severe cramps don’t freak out during early labor because we have a previous acquaintance with that kind of pain. 
Here’s to heating pads, ibuprofen, and sympathetic SO’s.