The Commando - Able to make anyone’s underwear disappear while they are fully clothed.
Boner Shame, this lovely heroine can cause straight male villains and heros alike to become excited. Her secondary power is to then point and laugh in a most humiliating and childlike way causing said heroes or villains to slink away in dire shame.
The Sniffler - Able to cause enemies to display flu-like symptoms for 3 to 5 days while depriving them of the ability to get rest or drink plenty of fluids.
Captain Obvious - Able to point out the fatal flaws of Super Villians’ master plans, causing them to rethink their approach. Disguised as a mild-mannered psychologist.
<delurking>
Chattermorte - Ability to bore anyone to a death stupor with long, self-righteous one-sided conversations about their office politics.
RetroCrit - Has the ability to make bubblegum stars of the past into present-day icons of ironic cool.
ChatMan - the ability to look intelligent in an AOL chat room
Indeed they were!
Some of the Deuces (from the first Wild Cards book) were:
[ul][li]Mr. Rainbow: He has the uncanny ability to change the color of his skin, at will, into any pastel shade he wants![/li][li]An Italian man who could stick his hand into a tub of water, and make it boil in less than eight minutes flat![/li]A woman who could levitate – but only while she was asleep.[/ul]
You really should leave this sort of dangerous work to the professionals:
http://www.topica.com/lists/Top5Comics/read/message.html?mid=1604695012&sort=d&start=8
(#8 was mine, but #2 is the one that still makes me laugh out loud)
But one vacation to the beach or one soaking of his feet in epson salts and the Slug is done for.
Agent of The Damned - able to revive Shannen Doherty’s career, no matter how many times she kills it. Weakness: also represents Leif Garrett.
On Saturday Night Live a while back, they had a “super” hero group called The Interesting Four. Its members were:
[ul][li]Weather Woman: She could change the temperature of the room she was standing in by up to eight degrees Fahrenheit in either direction![/li][li]Staple: He had a stapler built into his thumb. Every time he pressed his thumb against something, even accidentally, he stapled it.[/li][li]Seiko: “I have the power to go back in time one second!” <click> “… one second!” <click> “… one second!” <click> “… one second!” [etc., ad nauseum, until somebody whacks him on the back to jolt him out of it][/li]Mister Wonderful: He doesn’t need any super powers. He’s mister wonderful![/ul]
Dangerman - has the amazing ability to sense danger within one mile of himself, but can only sweat profusely from the eyebrows as a warning to others.
The X-men comic blames mutations in human on solar radiation.
Sunburn Man - His mutation is the ability to turn beet red in the sun.
The Parasol - She has the mutant ability to resist mutation-inducing raditation…wait a second…
Iron Side - He’s just like Iron Man, except he only has half of Tony Stark’s suit of powered armor (covering just the left side of his body). When he engages the flight rocket in his boot, his left leg goes shooting off while his unfettered right leg just kinda sits there, resulting in him whirling in circles in place.
How about:
-The Spelling Bee, who can spell any word right.
-The Gigolo, who can score with other supervillans’ wives.
-Harvey Keitel Man, who can only do a Harvey Keitel impression, and only in the nude.
-The Butt-Magnet, who can cause his colon to become magnetic.
-Carrot Top, who attacks the heroes with 1-800-CALL-ATT slogans. His battle cry is “It’s free for you! And cheap for them!”
That joke was done on Mork and Mindy as well, though I don’t know which came first (since I don’t know how long ago that episode of SNL was made).
Oops – I remember that joke being on Mork and Mindy now. I may have confused it with the Saturday Night Live sketch. My information about the SNL skit is only second-hand.
Here’s another cute useless superhero, from an old “What’s New with Phil and Dixie” article in Dragon magazine:
Gazebo Boy: He has the power to turn into a gazebo, and back again! Of course, in gazebo form, he just sits there, so he’s not very useful when it comes to fighting evil, but he’s great at weddings and outdoor parties.
Lipogram - talks normally without using words that contain ‘e’.
PotatoMan - as a teenager, he ate a potato that had been cooked in an experimental microwave oven. He now has all the powers and proportionate strength of a potato!
BlueTooth - can communicate by mind alone with any computer equipment that is within arm’s reach and implements his protocol. No such equipment exists. Also, he has blue teeth.
PomoMan - can instantly mutate into any combination of any other mutant’s mutations within a 50 foot radius, but can only use them in an ironic way.
Inspired (in a very roundabout way) by Ender’s awesome logical fractal.
Charmin - always knows exactly who was the one who used the last of the toilet paper without replacing the roll.
HuggaMugga - all coffee turns to decaf is his presence.
Internal Clock - wakes you up ten minutes before your alarm is supposed to go off. Also has the ability to make you think you’re falling so that you snap wide awake just as you’re about to dose off.
Meatwad - is made of meat and can shape change into an igloo and a giant hotdog (complete with bun and condiment!). Also, doesn’t speak very clearly and has a plastic brain.
Quantam Leaper - can travel forward in time exactly 8 billion years.
Hover - can float a couple of feet from the ground and propel himself forward at the pace of a brisk stroll.
P.u.I - can always tell who farted.
Gry Man: He can split into three. We’re just not sure what the third one is.
Kleevedge: Has the power to turn men into imbeciles just by wearing a low-cut dress. (Come to think of it, that’s not such a rare power.)
The Humin Tawch: Can wrap his body in flame, but only in the Bronx.
The Sub-Marinator: Makes delicious sandwiches overnight.
The Candy Man: He can take a sunrise, sprinkle it with dew, cover it with chocolate and a miracle or two.
How this helps you fight crime, I can’t say.
**Thesaurus Man: ** He can fight, altercate, assault, attack, bandy with, battle, bear arms, bicker, box, brawl, buck, challenge, clash, contend, cross swords, dispute, do battle, duel, exchange blows, feud, flare up, grapple, joust, meet, oppugn, ply weapons, protect, quarrel, repel, resist, rowdy, scrap, scuffle, skirmish, spar, strive, struggle, tiff, tilt, traverse, tug, tussle, wage war, war, withstand, wrangle …
The Flask: Once a day he can produce a small container of potable libations. Not a bad guy to have on camping trips.
**The Cable Man: ** You never know when he will turn up bwaa-ha-ha-ha.
Natural Woman: Finds souls in the lost and found.
**Hey Man: **Excells at attracting attention.
Expo Man: No real powers, per se, but he does catch you up nicely on background information and story recaps.
Suggestive Man: Very good at … well, you know.