A few weeks ago my ex-wife asked me to stay at her house to watch our dog while she was out of town for several days. This has been a very common thing for me to do ever since we have gotten divorced over a year ago. It saves her the cost and hassle of boarding the dog and makes us both feel better knowing the pup is at home where she is happiest.
This last time I did this I installed a video card in her computer as I like to play computer games and the built-in video card on her machine simply is not up to the task. FWIW adding a video card is a super-simple process that takes all of two minutes and I am also a computer engineer so I definitely know what I am doing. Since I had a new video card in my PC I decided to just leave the video card in her machine rather than move it out again. The video card I added was a definite improvement to her machine albeit one she would likely never notice as she only does internet and MS-Office on her PC.
A few days after she returned I get a call from her and get an earful about how this was totally inappropriate and should have asked her first. I am putting this too mildly…she was furious with me. She takes but my set of keys to her place (I would often have to run over to take care of the dog on random occasions if she was stuck at work and other such things). When I went over to remove the video card (again all of a two minute process…machine took longer to shut down and restart than removing the card took) and get a small lecture on “boundaries” and how I clearly do not respect them.
Maybe it is just because I am a guy but WTF? Boundaries? What “boundaries” did I cross? The PC was fine and working with no problems. As a computer engineer I could probably fix any unlikely issues and if it came to it I have the wherewithal to replace the machine. Her only complaint was it was too loud as the video card has a fan but that is BS as the system fan is far noiser than the little fan on the video card. After removal of the video card it would take the ears of a dog to detect any difference in noise levels (thinking it was BS I paid close attention to the noise factor…I could not discern a difference after removal of the card).
Here’s the rub. I was supposed to watch the dog for three weeks in March while she vacations in South America. Now she intends to board the dog for three weeks. As many here can attest to from previous posts I have written I absolutely adore my dog. My ex, because of this boundary thing, will now toss $1000 to board the dog and have her two cats taken care of. While it is her money to spend as she sees fit it is silly and unnecessary. What really gets me though is placing my dog in a kennel for three weeks which I know she will hate. My ex is essentially causing another creature unnecessary pain to seemingly teach me a lesson about this boundary thing I am so clueless about. Dogs are boarded all the time and survive just fine but the point here is it is totally unnecessary.
So my question to the teeming millions is am I missing something here? Am I that clueless? If it was worng of me how wrong was it? Raised eyebrow wrong? Dirty look wrong? Slap on the wrist wrong? Hang me up by the thumbs wrong?
If I had to guess about another woman’s behavior from your description, I’d say there was something on the computer she did not want you to see. She may even think you were snooping. Unfortunately, if I am right, there is nothing you can do about it; because any protestations will be taken as proof.
I’m sorry your dog has to go to the kennel.
I don’t see it either. It’s odd that she trusts you to stay in her house alone but freaks out over something like this. Did she maybe have a problem with you being on her computer at all? Maybe she thought you were snooping?
For the sake of the dog I would just apologize and tell her you promise not to alter any of her stuff again. Even have her draw up a list of rules, if it makes her feel better. Otherwise could you offer to have the dog stay with you? It seems unbelievable that she is angry enough to spend that kind of money over this - it makes me think there is something else she is really angry about.
I can see someone getting a bit upset about doing something to their computer w/o their knowledge, even though it was something as harmless as adding a video card. Some people are just pissy about stuff like that. She prolly figured you were rooting through her emails and such or something (not that you couldn’t do that w/o her knowledge anyway, given your job). Please note I am not suggesting you did that, nor that you would or should, only that it may have popped into her head.
Boarding the dog and cats for three weeks, however, is dumb. Real dumb. Apart from the cost there is the fact that she is putting the pets through a totally unnecessary ordeal to get at you. People who are that moronic shouldn’t be allowed to have pets. Of course, it happens with children in divorced families all the time (unneccesary ordeals, not boarding - I hope).
IMHO it is slap on the wrist wrong if you admit you made a mistake. If you insist on thinking you didn’t then I would probably be really angry.
To many people a computer is a fairly personal item. I don’t like other people using my computer and I am always uncomfortable using someone else’s. Not only did you use her computer (maybe she was okay with that) but you upgraded it with out asking her. What if something had happened and it broke?
How would you feel if someone came to your house and rearranged your furniture with out asking you? What if that person was an interior designer so they knew what they were doing and felt sure that it looked better? What if they didn’t even understand why you were upset?
Well, my friend, it sounds like you’re looking at this entire situation rationally. Unfortunately, that’s not going to get you very far. Was it wrong? Well, kinda, in a minor way. You touched something that didn’t belong to you. Sure, what you changed was for the better, but she doesn’t see it that way. She sees it as a giant control issue, or some other huge long term problem. My advice at this point is to abjectly apologise. If you do this, maybe she’ll come back to reality before her vacation and you can spend that time with your dog.
Good luck!
I don’t understand your confusion. You vandalized her computer, and you don’t think she should be upset?
Yeah, I know – you didn’t hurt anything, you “made it better” ; well, nuts. It’s hers, and if she wanted a new video card, she’d have put one in. Do you rearrange furniture when your host is in the bathroom? Do you plant new trees while house-sitting? Do you, to put it generically, habitually screw around with other people’s belongings without permission? Do you think it’s okay when people do it to you?
She’s your ex – she’s trying to define and maintain her separation from you while keeping up good relations. You trampled on that. You walked in and acted like her stuff is your stuff. She trusted you to behave yourself in her absence, and instead you demonstrated that you can’t be trusted to respect her independence or her belongings. Yeah, she’s boarding the dog – she doesn’t feel there’s anyone she can trust in her house. Until you demonstrate some contrition, she’s right.
FTR she of course knew I would use her PC. If she didn’t it is a simple matter to password protect the machine and shut it down.
As for snooping it is my general belief that it is snoops who think other people snoop. If she ahd stuff on her PC she doesn’t want me to see and she knows full well I will use the PC then she should take measures to hide/protect/delete the things she doesn’t want me seeing. Or once again just lock-down her PC.
You only have my word on this of course but I do not snoop. I have never been a snoop. Just one of those things I really couldn’t care less about. I even often ignore stuff in plain sight because I simply do not care about it.
As for apologizing I didn’t really apologize in a meaningful way beyond a mumbled “sorry…I’ll take it out”. I honestly do not see I did anything wrong. I did bite my lip rather than get in an argument when she hit me with the boundary stuff for the benefit of the dog. I also offered to stay with the pup and the cats and I would unplug her PC and bring mine over (a bit of a hassle but worthwhile for a three week stay). That way zero issues with snooping and installing video cards and such. She is ‘test’ boarding the dog for a week while she goes out of town for something else and will let me know. :rolleyes:
And this is not like rearranging furniture. This is more like me coming to your house and plugging in a Playstation on your TV. It is a super easy process and is super easy to remedy. As I said removal took all of two minutes…delete video driver, power off computer, pop the cover, pull out videa card, cover back on, power on. No problem.
If I were in your ex-wife’s position regarding the computer, I would have wanted you to ask before doing the upgrade. As others have said, I count my computer as a personal item, and no matter how much of an expert you might be or how much “better” you think you can make it, I wouldn’t want someone making changes to it without permission. I would have given permission, but not having been asked would put my nose out of joint too. That should have been her decision, not yours.
Having said that, I do think she is overreacting. I would have chewed you out and made damn sure you knew not to do anything like that again. But taking it out on the dog (remembering that the dog will probably be fine, if unhappy) is a bit much.
Will you please stay at my place while I’m out of town and take care of my animals? And while you’re here, please feel free to install an upgraded monitor and more memory. Thank you.*
Did you tell her you had installed the card, or did she find out on her own? People are funny about computers. Perhaps she thought you were snooping. (Although you could do that without opening the box.) Two very good friends are married to comp engineers and know next to nothing about the machines, except for email and web surfing. One would unplug her modem at night because of her fear of “hackers.”
I’m really of two minds over this. I think back on the surprises I’ve discovered upon returning from trips. My friend and my SO had a habit of rearranging my apartment because they thought it was better their way. They were told, quite emphatically, they were NOT to do so again, or at least they should restore things before my return. On the other hand, I’ve replaced a friend’s showerhead with one I preferred. I told her after the fact, but before her return.
I think what you did deserves nothing more than a raised eyebrow or semi-stern talking to. An apology and promise to never do this or something similar should be sufficient. (Of course, if you also installed a key logger I volunteer to do the stringing up. )
This is the problem. People need perspective on this. Is it a mountain or a mole hill?
Vandalize? I suggest you look that word up. Nevermind, I’ll just tell you it means to damage. Her computer is in NO WAY damaged…at all.
She is trying to keep up good relations? It is me who is doing 100% of the favors for her be it fixing a glitch on her computer, telling her how to light the pilot light on the water heater not to mention almost never failing to get over to her house to take care fo teh animals because she is otherwise occupied. Do you think I enjoy staying in what was once my house? I do not. I’d much rather be at home with my stuff but I do it partly to try and maintain a tiny bit of friendly relations and to take care of the animals I adore so much and keep them happy.
Rearranging furniture is a big, time consuming process and difficult to restore. Planting new trees is rather extreme and permanent and leaves a big hole if removed later.
What is my crime? Installing a video card. No snooping, no key-loggers, a task that takes all of two minutes. If it was wrong then fine. Seems to me a simple, “Do not do that again without asking first. It is my computer and while I appreciate you thought you were doing a nice thing with what you consider an upgrade it is not your place to do that without my permission. Please remove the video card.”
I do not see why that doesn’t more than suffice. Trusted me to behave myself indeed…you make it sound like I took crayons and colored on the walls. For over a year she had no issue with me staying there and no issue with the state her home was in when I left. Hell…it was usually cleaner than when she left but perhaps it is not my place to use her broom and take it upon myself to sweep. :rolleyes:
I would be pissed if someone did that, simply because IME it isn’t always that easy - every so often something that shouldn’t have made a difference has screwed my computer in some unlikely way, and I’ve had to fix it. And if they were doing something that would have benefit to them but not me, then I’d be annoyed. OTOH, I trusted them and they asked first, I’d probably be ok.
To me ‘boundaries’ describes it well. Would you have done that in a friends house? It’d guess not. I’m guessing that because it used to be both your computer, she was ok with you using it, without that needing to be said, an you assumed (fairly, but apparently incorrectly) that she’d be ok with you upgrading it.
What I think you should do is recognise that it’s mainly miscommunication and say “I’m sorry, I was stupid: [even if you aren’t and don’t think your were really]. I didn’t realise. I think I’m clear where the boudaries are, if I want to do xxx I’ll obviously ask you [mean this bit]. We both love [dog’s name]. Please don’t make it harder for [him/her] because of this.”
No I did not tell her I did it. I wasn’t hiding the fact…just didn’t occur to me. The reason she knew is she isn’t all that bad with computers having worked in a computer related industry for years. She is no engineer but she’s no dummy about them either.
I have no idea but my guess is what tipped her off was the new icon in her system tray that gives access to advanced settings on the video card. It was the only obvious indication anything was different. To find out otherwise would see you digging into the hardware section of the control panel. Without that icon it is highly doubful anyone would know anything was different just by using the PC as normal.
She’s over-reacting, but you need to cut bait and get her out of your life. Get your own pets to love, and don’t worry about her, her money, or the pets you no longer own.
We got divorced due to simple incompatibility. No cheating, no drugs, no abuse, no money problems, etc… We tried a long time to make it work but it just wouldn’t take. We separated with a promise to each other to remain friends.
Well…she has done next to nothing to remain friendly. She snaps at me more often than not (often calling back later to apologize which is good but damage done). She usually only calls to request the animals be looked after or to have some problem fixed (pilot lights, computer problems, etc.). She took me out to dinner for my birthday and got me a gift and bought me a book and CD for Christmas and that is about the extent of her efforts to be friendly back to me.
The only thing really tying us together at all are the pets…mostly the dog as the cats are more hers and while I love them too it is the dog who owns my heart. While my ex retains possession of the dog I still view the dog as much mine as hers. In a very real way I view the pup as my child and can no more bear the thought of giving up on her forever than a parent who loves their children could give up on them. While it is often very inconvenient to run over and take care of the pets it isn’t all bad as I love to see them.
In the end I feel stuck and sadly I cannot have pets where I live so no replacements for me. I volunteer at the Anti-Cruelty Society in town to get my dog fix but that is about it and to me all the dogs I see can’t replace my pup.
So, she isn’t computer stupid but you didn’t think to ask her or even tell her about an upgrade to your computer. Don’t you think that she might like to know about a change to her computer? Just because it wasn’t obvious or might have been an improvement to you doesn’t mean it was okay with her.
It is exactly like rearranging furniture. It might only take you two minutes to upgrade a video card but it would take me a whole heck of a lot longer. And, I have had trouble with video cards before. It isn’t always piece of cake upgrade.
Your attitude here is probably why she is so angry at you. It might not be a big deal to you but it is a big deal to her. You need to respect that.
I know you love the dog, but she is probably making the right decision here. Perhaps you should move somewhere where you can get a puppy. It won’t replace the old one, but you are going to have to let go. I know it is sad, but in the long run it will be better.
I don’t think you did anything wrong. In fact I think what you did was very nice. Just as it was very nice of you to stay at her house and watch the animals. Sounds like she is a control freak.
That being said, I think you should remove yourself from her life. I know you love the dog, but it isn’t a human child and you really need to start the process of breaking the ties. My brother is going through this right now. He and his soon-to-be-ex-wife have a dog, and they both love him very much. The dog lives with my brother because his house has a big backyard and she lives in a city apartment that does not allow pets. The divorce-in-progress is not very civil. The whole “visitation rights” thing is really cumbersome and no pleasant. I don’t think the whole thing is worth it.
)