If somebody so much as got on the web on my computer without my permission, I’d be mad. It’s MY computer. Don’t use it unless I say you can. And that’s not because I have a collection of kiddie porn, it’s just that it’s MY computer. I realize you said she knew you were using it, so that’s a non-issue, but an example of how I feel about MY 'puter.
And if you upgraded my hardware without even TELLING me, I’d be furious. And you’d never touch the computer again. Now, if you said, “Would you like me to install this while you’re gone?” I’d be happy to let you do it.
I can’t say what you should do about the rest of the situation – I adore a couple of dogs myself – but you went WAAAAY over the line here, computer expert or not. Even though I know you meant well, that’s just too much.
Am I the only person with a sense of perspective? Someone who looks at all the relevant information before deciding how bad something is?
If what I did is “WAAAAY over the line” how would you rank my having a party there and trashing the place? (just an example)
On a continuum from leaving a dirty dish in the sink when I left to rummaging through her personal effects and finding nude photos and posting them to the internet where does installing a video card fall?
[ul]
[li]Did I intend malice or mischief doing this? --No[/li]
[li]Did I intend to do a nice thing? --Yes[/li]
[li]Did I cause any harm to the PC? --No (literally zero harm…PC functioning as normal)[/li]
[li]Did I have permission to use the PC? --Yes (not to confuse this with adding a video card)[/li]
[li]Did I have any reason to believe harm might be done to the PC? --No (computer expert…this is about as simple as it gets and I do this frequently)[/li]
[li]Would I be able to fix the computer even if the worse happened? --Yes (computer expert but also able to go so far as to replace the machine if it actually came to that and would do that)[/li]
[li]Was the remedy (removing the video card) easily accomplished? --Yes (in and out the door in 5 minutes…mission accomplished)[/li][/ul]
So, at worst it is an honest mistake made while trying to do a good thing. I can see perhaps how I got myself in this fix. As a computer engineer I am opening PCs and doing this or that to them all the time. I understand that does not give me the right to go into any PC but my brain’s default thinking on this is just to dive in as the normal course of events. I forget that many people hold a computer in some sort of mystical awe and freak at any hint of going inside one. I know different and know what I did is only marginally more taxing than hooking up a DVD player to your TV.
Maybe you’ll be able to understand her anger if you put yourself in her position.
Let’s say that for whatever reason she stays at your place for 2 weeks while you go on vacation. Because she’s going to be there for a while, she’d like to unpack her clothes, so she does. To make some room in your chest of drawers, she takes out all your underwear, irons it, and replaces it neatly. She then adds her bras to the drawer. When she leaves she removes them and since nothing really changed, she doesn’t mention it to you. When you notice something amiss, she says, “Yeah, I took all your underwear out, ironed it so that it would take less space, then put my stuff in there.”
How would you feel?
If you felt unhappy that she improved your underwear drawer, would it make you feel better if she explained that she’s a fast ironer, it only took a minute, the briefs are in better condition now than when you left, for pities sake, so why all the fuss?
Take the dog to the park when you can, but probably better not to house sit over at the ex’s.
Did she view you as “controlling” in the marriage? I ask because an ex of mine was extremely controlling. It got to the point where I would go beserk over really ridiculous things because it just set off all these reminders about his nature. He came to visit me once and was carrying a package that had been left outside for me and I nearly took his head off for “screwing with my mail.” Anyway, just wondered if some of that might be going on.
Next question: Is she paranoid? I don’t consider myself all that paranoid and I would be slightly wigged out of I happened to notice a new icon on my computer after someone (even or especially an ex, depending on how you look at it) was staying in my house. She could have suspected something more sinister going on than you just liking to play games. Who knows.
It doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong, but my guess is that there’s a lot of back history that has something to do with her reaction.
You know, when I read the OP, I thought that you were sincerely seeking opinions on whether you might have overstepped the line, and phrased my answer accordingly. After viewing your subsequent responses, it seems clear that you are only looking for justification and agreement with your position.
I can only conclude, as others have done more emphatically, that you are having trouble understanding the concepts of “MY STUFF,” “YOUR STUFF,” and “ASKING PERMISSION.” It was not for you to decide whether you were improving her computer, or whether you were causing damage, or whether you were trying to be nice, or how easy it was, or that you think you are Mr. Big Computer Expert. You messed with her stuff without her permission. Changing the video card should have been HER DECISION, not yours. Clearly SHE doesn’t think it’s an improvement, and it’s her right to think that, because it’s HER COMPUTER, and you had no business messing with it, no matter how “expertly.” (How convenient that the “upgrade” was for YOUR benefit, not hers. It is not a matter of holding a computer in “mystical awe.” It is a matter of respecting other people’s property and their right to change it or not as THEY see fit.
As for the fact that you run over there to play Mr. Fix-It, either do it because you want to help her out, or don’t do it. But don’t go ahead and do it and then think that entitles you to rights that you don’t have.
Honestly you may wish to think of a different example. I’d thank her for doing that. I really would.
She was far and away the controlling one in the marriage. No two ways about that.
I suppose she may be wigged by a new icon thinking I am spying but if she bothered to think about it for about 2 seconds she’d know it is silly. She knows me and knows I am not a snoop. She kept a diary on her nightstand for a long time…I never opened it once. Further, she knows I am not stupid…if I put spyware on her PC I wouldn’t leave an icon advertising the fact…it would be well hidden. There is no stalking here…absolutely not the type. We are well and truly divorced so I have no interest in her day-to-day doings. I hope she is dating but frankly have no clue. If I never find out I don’t care. If I do find out I don’t care. Doesn’t concern me one way or the other. As such I feel zero compulsion to snoop through anything.
I believe I have already agreed that I understand the “HER STUFF DON’T TOUCH IT” business. If I wasn’t clear I will be clear now…I get it. I see where the mistake I made was.
What I do NOT agree with is the “WAYYYY over the line” business to the point she will stuff my dog in a 5x5 cell for three weeks (mind you she is a big dog and over 4’ long…she will only be able to turn around in there).
Was I wrong? Yes.
Is it a hanging offense? Not in my book and so far I see nothing to suggest otherwise.
I think the disconnect here is that you know how easy and safe an upgrade it was, so it doesn’t seem like a big deal to you. If you’d cleaned the dust out of her mouse and she found out, she wouldn’t have cared. Replacing a video card isn’t much more complicated to someone tech savvy, so it doesn’t seem like a big deal. However, from her perspective, you replaced a major component of her computer without asking. It isn’t much different than you swapping out the carburetor on her car. Sure, it went fine this time, but what if something had gone wrong and she’d come home to find her computer unusable? Or her files gone? The fact that you know how safe it is doesn’t change the fact that you made decisions for her about modifying her computer without asking.
So, my verdict is: this is a molehill only if she was as tech savvy as you. Otherwise, it’s a (small) mountain and you should apologize.
Nope, sorry, I still think you went over the line. The issue of parties you bring up is a completely DIFFERENT line than the “upgrading computer without knowledge or permission” line, unfortunately. I came down a lot harder than I meant to on rereading, but however well-meant the gesture, I’d be beyond pissed if somebody did that to mine, free upgrade or no free upgrade.
As for boarding the dog, we take our critters to a really nice place where they have ncie big indoor runs and outside playtime every day, weather permitting. They also get time from the people who run the place, who are total animal suckers. Maybe you ought to look into finding a place like that where you are and suggest it to her – it doesn’t cost much more, and our largish dogs like it fine.
The parts about being “Mr. Big Computer Expert” are not there to toot my own horn but to indicate that I was not a neophyte banging around on someone else’s equipment hoping I’d get it all back together again and not to suggest it gave me any rights to do anything.
An analogy:
Say she has an airplane and I decide to go fly it without permission.
Case #1: I have no experience flying planes of any kind but give it a shot anyway (and miraculously do not kill myself).
Case #2: I have 10,000 hours flight time in her type of airplane and am current on all relevant training and licensing.
In both cases I do not have permission to fly so am wrong for that. Case #1 however makes me FAR more irresponsible than in Case #2 and to me is deserving of far more disdain and punishment.
I left it for her benefit. I could have easily taken it off and home and put it on one of my other computers (which is what I did after all this). I haev a friend who wants to buy it. In short…leaving it in her computer was of no benefit to me.
That reads funny. What I meant to imply was I have a few other options for that card’s use that do actually benefit me rather than leaving it in her PC which was of no benefit (indeed in hindsight it was a negative benefit…let no good deed go unpunished!)
Regarding whether the severity of her reaction was appropriate, I think it really depends on how you dealt with it. If your reaction was “it wasn’t a big deal, I knew what I was doing”, I’d expect her reaction to be much more severe than if you’d responeded with an unqualified and sincere “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you’d mind – I’ll take it out and won’t do anything like that again without asking first.”
It sounds like there are a lot of unresolved issues between you both. Honestly, the best solution to this situation is probably the most painful: get new pets, let her have sole custody of the current ones and live your lives 100% separately for a while. This may be what she’s trying to do by boarding the dog, rather than punish you for replacing her video card.
Would she in fact benefit from your turbo video card, or is that just your opinion on what’s “better”? The most supercharged video card in the world wouldn’t do me any good, as I don’t give a rat’s patootie about gaming, watching movies on my computer, etc., and the one I have works fine for how I use it. Sorry, you don’t get any brownie points for that if that’s the case. And if it is the case, the orginal “not yours to mess with” point still stands.
You say you understand that it was wrong to change her card, yet you keep defending why you think it was right. Strange disconnect there.
If I were her I would definitely take your keys away too. That is HER computer, not YOURS. It doesn’t matter whether you think the new card improved her system, it matters that you didn’t ask permission before you installed it. I don’t blame her for feeling that she can’t trust you alone in her home anymore.
Actually there would be improvements for the casual user such as text scrolling (such as whipping through a Word document) would be smoother. Dragging windows around on the desktop would be smoother rather than herky-jerky. Small things perhaps but better and I’ll grant may not be noticed to a user without being pointed out.
What I am defending is not that it is right but rather I am trying to point out that these are overboard reactions. I mean my god people…she entrusts me with the lives of her pets and the care of her home and possessions ALL of which she has gotten back in excellent shape (often better than when she left such as my grooming the dog or cleaning the place) with ZERO issues a dozen or more times in the past. I respect her privacy and do not rummage through drawers or snoop on the computer. I make an honest mistake, a non-malicious mistake, an incredibly easily fixable mistake that does no lasting damage and I am now Mr. Can’t Be Trusted?
It is her dog now, not yours. Just like it was her computer and her video card.
She obviously thinks that the dog being in a kennal for three weeks is better then you being in her house. The dog isn’t going to be in misery. It is a kennal for Og’s sake, not a house of torture.
There you go again: claiming that you understand the issue, yet continuing to press a case for why you were “right.”
Sincere apology: You’re right, I made a mistake. I’m sorry and it won’t happen again.
Insincere apology: You’re right, I made a mistake. I’m sorry and it won’t happen again. But it was an honest mistake and I meant well. But I knew what I was doing and there wasn’t any risk of damage. But I was doing you a favor and actually you would have benefited from it. You’re really being silly about the whole thing. Geez, why are you going so overboard about this? Why won’t you people listen to meeee??
Get the difference?
From the OP: “So my question to the teeming millions is am I missing something here? Am I that clueless?”
From the OP’s most recent post: “What I am defending is not that it is right but rather I am trying to point out that these are overboard reactions.”
Which is it? An honest question, or defending your already formed, immovable viewpoint? Seems pretty clear that it’s the latter.
By the way, the answer to the question in the OP is “yes.”
Whack (for short) seems to be a pretty nice guy. He rushes over to watch the pets for her pretty much whenever she needs him to.
When he was over there he had the permission to use the computer. (If you didn’t have permission to use her computer it would be a very different story.)
So that he can use the computer for some of his games he brings an extra piece of equipment. When he’s done, instead of removing it, he is even nice enough to let her keep it.
(Did she complain about you giving her stuff when you were together as well? “Oh no!! You bastard. Thought you’d get away with giving me flowers… I don’t think so!!”)
Seriously, I don’t see the problem. To me it’s like bringing a VCR with him to be able to watch a few movies while he’s there. (And then letting her have the VCR, let’s not forget.) Would you consider this to be just as horrible an act?
Turned out she didn’t want it for some reason so he took it home.
What exactly, is the big deal? It’s not like he wrecked the computer or changed her fonts to nothing but 7pt green courier…