Crossing "boundaries" with the ex?

[Whack-a-Mole]

@In Conceivable

It is her dog now, not yours. Just like it was her computer and her video card.

She obviously thinks that the dog being in a kennal for three weeks is better then you being in her house. The dog isn’t going to be in misery. It is a kennal for Og’s sake, not a house of torture.

First off it is OUR dog, not her dog. She has possession of the dog and sees to her care so as such she gets final say on the dog’s care. I have offered money to help with the dog’s upkeep but I have been refused. Doubtless so my ex can maintain the high ground when deciding what happens to the dog and be certain I can claim no right to a say-so for myself. That said I always defer to her decisions regarding the pup with little to no argument. Saying she isn’t my dog anymore is akin to a parent being told his/her children are no longer theirs because the children do not reside with them. I do not accept that.

Second it is her computer but my video card. The video card in her computer is built-in. I did not remove a thing from her PC. That may make no difference but just to be clear I wasn’t toddling off with some of her equipment.

Thirdly my dog will be miserable in a kennel. I know my dog very well and she will loathe the kennel. Barring a night here and there she has spent at the vet due to surgery she has never spent a night away from home in her life. I have had other dogs who flat out despised going to the kennel. They would figure where they were going when we’d get a mile or two from the kennel and drop to the floor of the car and whine. Once there they would fight not to be taken in. They would slip their collar and climb under the car and have to literally be dragged in. Moving a 95 pound dog in this manner is not easy. Clearly the dog had a very strong opinion of the place and it was not a favorable one.

There is more to it than that as some may say tough for the dog. My current dog is delicate as regards her immune system. The vets are unsure exactly what is up and have offered that opinion as a best guess. The dog over the last year or so has managed to get all sorts of problems. If it is out there she seems to get it. Including, but not limited to, explosive diarrhea that lasted for 6 weeks, diarrhea that has come back several times since but not lasted as long and some bizarre allergic reaction (to what we have no clue) that causes her lips and nose to turn pink (supposed to be black). She has been on medicine nearly non-stop for 9 months. Now she is to be put in a kennel with who knows how many other dogs and stressed which is well known to reduce immune response. Further, she is not overly friendly with other dogs. She does ok but not so well a kennel can risk a German Shepherd attacking other dogs under their care. As such she will get little play time and relatively little human contact (the kennel promises some of course) such that she will spend the vast majority of her time locked in a cage. My ex has researched kennels and looked for the ‘good ones’ and not just any old kennel. She visited three. In two the biggest cage was maybe 5’ x 5’ and one maybe 7’ x 4’ (that is from my ex telling me about them after her visit). The dog will only be able to turn in circles in any of those cages as she herself is over 4’ long.

So, will the dog survive? Yes, most likely. Will she be miserable? Yes, most definitely. Is her health being put at risk for this? Yes, probably. Imagine I tossed you in jail for three weeks (or a cell). Would you survive? Yes. Would you like it? No.

All of this for a lousy video card. Wrong though I may have been I do not think this is an appropriate response to that mistake and I do have real concern for my dog.

If anyone knows of a top notch boarding kennel in the Chicago area I would love to here about it.

[siberia]

@In Conceivable

She obviously thinks that the dog being in a kennal for three weeks is better then you being in her house. The dog isn’t going to be in misery. It is a kennal for Og’s sake, not a house of torture.

Actually, there are some breeds that are highly sensitive to boarding. Great Danes, for example, are susceptible to bloating when kenneled.

While I can see both sides of this issue, I truly think she is cutting off her nose to spite her face by boarding the dog. Unless we are missing large portions/details of this story, I think she is seriously overreacting by punishing the dog for perceived inappropriate behavior on the part of her ex.

[In_Conceivable]

@Whack-a-Mole

First off it is OUR dog, not her dog. She has possession of the dog and sees to her care so as such she gets final say on the dog’s care. I have offered money to help with the dog’s upkeep but I have been refused. Doubtless so my ex can maintain the high ground when deciding what happens to the dog and be certain I can claim no right to a say-so for myself. That said I always defer to her decisions regarding the pup with little to no argument. Saying she isn’t my dog anymore is akin to a parent being told his/her children are no longer theirs because the children do not reside with them. I do not accept that.
.

I know this is hard for you. You really need to start letting go.

Dogs aren’t children. Dogs don’t have parents. Dogs have owners. Unless there was something specific in the divorce decree it sounds to me like it is her dog. Just because you love the dog doesn’t give you the right to have any say in how it lives. She has no moral or legal obligation to allow you to stay at her house to dog sit.

Seriously, if this is so important to you why did you move somewhere that doesn’t allow dogs? I would never move anywhere that didn’t allow my cat. And I can assure you that a parent would never move anywhere that didn’t allow kids.

[Kent_Clark]

@Whack-a-Mole

First off it is OUR dog, not her dog. She has possession of the dog and sees to her care so as such she gets final say on the dog’s care. . . Saying she isn’t my dog anymore is akin to a parent being told his/her children are no longer theirs because the children do not reside with them. I do not accept that.

Second it is her computer but my video card. The video card in her computer is built-in. I did not remove a thing from her PC. That may make no difference but just to be clear I wasn’t toddling off with some of her equipment.

Whack, I’m a guy, and I’ve done some pretty clueless stuff in my life, but even I have to say you’re completely wrong here.

Let’s go to the issue of the computer first. What you tell her is that you put a new video card in, and that it took two minutes and it’s no big deal. But all she KNOWS is that you admit you opened up her computer and messed around in there. And no matter how you try to say it’s nothing more than this, or it’s nothing more than that, you would have been about 1,000 times better off if you’d either asked her permission first, or at least told her before she booted up and saw something was different.

Secondly, and I’m sorry to say this, it’s not your dog unless you have a court document that says the dog belongs to both of you, but she’s taking care of it. It’s not your dog anymore than any of the posessions you had when you were together are “hers” even though they’re now in your apartment.

She may have let you take care of it before because you were cheaper than a kettle, and she may have thought it was the “right” thing to do, but it’s her dog. Is she using it to beat you up? Yes, and she’s wrong to do that. But you need to understand that her doing the wrong thing DOESN’T EXCUSE YOUR DOING THE WRONG THING FIRST.

[Whack-a-Mole]

@Scarlett67

There you go again: claiming that you understand the issue, yet continuing to press a case for why you were “right.”

Sincere apology: You’re right, I made a mistake. I’m sorry and it won’t happen again.

Insincere apology: You’re right, I made a mistake. I’m sorry and it won’t happen again. But it was an honest mistake and I meant well. But I knew what I was doing and there wasn’t any risk of damage. But I was doing you a favor and actually you would have benefited from it. You’re really being silly about the whole thing. Geez, why are you going so overboard about this? Why won’t you people listen to meeee??

Get the difference?

From the OP: “So my question to the teeming millions is am I missing something here? Am I that clueless?”

From the OP’s most recent post: “What I am defending is not that it is right but rather I am trying to point out that these are overboard reactions.”

Which is it? An honest question, or defending your already formed, immovable viewpoint? Seems pretty clear that it’s the latter.

By the way, the answer to the question in the OP is “yes.”

Apparently the concept of a measured response appropriate to the situation is lost on you and some others. By some of the responses here you would think installing a video card merits the same response as burning down the house.

It is ALL about what ‘punishment’ (for lack of a better word) this mistake deserves.

Was I wrong for not asking before installing the video card? Yes.

Having made that mistake am I now someone who clearly cannot be trusted? My answer is still an unqualified “No”. That others seem to think the answer is “yes” is mroe than a little scary. I shudder to think of your reactions to more heinous mistakes.

Personally when someone does something wrong to me I try and answer some of the following questions before deciding on an appropriate response.
[ul]
[li]Was the mistake malicious or is the issue just that, a mistake?[/li]
[li]How damaging was the mistake?[/li]
[li]How easy is it to rectify the mistake?[/li]
[li]How easy should it have been for a normal person to foresee that what they were about to do was a bad idea?[/li]
[li]Has the person made the same mistake before and been told to avoid it in the future but didn’t?[/li]
[li]Does the person have a history of other mistakes (i.e. prone to be more likely to make bad decisions than good ones)?[/li]
[li]Did the person apologize for the mistake?[/li]
[li]Did the person do whatever was necessary to fix the mistake at their own expense/effort?[/li][/ul]

So again, did I make a mistake? Yes.

Using the above criteria and plugging in my actions the only one I fall short on is not having apologized. Some may argue I should have foreseen this as well…not sure about that one whether I really should have or not.

With the above answered is her response appropriate? I still maintain that is an unqualified no and have seen nothing yet to suggest otherwise. I do not see that as being dodgy on the issue. It’s is like I stole a pack of gum from a store and am being sent to prison for 10 years for it. I can admit to the mistake of stealing the gum yet still argue that the punishment is excessive. What’s worse, my dog is really who will suffer for it and through her I will suffer.

[Capri]

Is there a reason the dog couldn’t stay at your place? I assume there is as this was never listed as an option. Just checking.

Do you live close enough to just go over to let the dog in and out a few times per day without actually house sitting?

I sense there is a big back story to this, and the facts are quite as clean as you are letting on.

I also find it interesting that the responses seem to be falling along gender lines, with males by and large not understanding what the big deal is and females by and large agreeing with the ex.

[Whack-a-Mole]

@kunilou

Whack, I’m a guy, and I’ve done some pretty clueless stuff in my life, but even I have to say you’re completely wrong here.

Let’s go to the issue of the computer first. What you tell her is that you put a new video card in, and that it took two minutes and it’s no big deal. But all she KNOWS is that you admit you opened up her computer and messed around in there. And no matter how you try to say it’s nothing more than this, or it’s nothing more than that, you would have been about 1,000 times better off if you’d either asked her permission first, or at least told her before she booted up and saw something was different.

Secondly, and I’m sorry to say this, it’s not your dog unless you have a court document that says the dog belongs to both of you, but she’s taking care of it. It’s not your dog anymore than any of the posessions you had when you were together are “hers” even though they’re now in your apartment.

She may have let you take care of it before because you were cheaper than a kettle, and she may have thought it was the “right” thing to do, but it’s her dog. Is she using it to beat you up? Yes, and she’s wrong to do that. But you need to understand that her doing the wrong thing DOESN’T EXCUSE YOUR DOING THE WRONG THING FIRST.

I agree I should have asked first. Hindsight is 20/20 and all that.

In fact, that is really my only mistake…not asking first. I know she would have agreed to let me do it had I asked.

I am also quite clear that her doing the wrong thing in no way absolves me of doing a wrong thing. Indeed I do not think who did what wrong first even enters into it. Each piece needs to be taken on its own and judged.

I also know that I have no legal rights to the dog. If she wanted to take the dog in and have her put down tomorrow there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it and I understand that. However I believe there are moral and ethical aspects to this that do make the dog mine as well as hers. While that allows me no legal recourse to the animal I do not believe all questions can be answered solely on the basis of what a US Court would do.

As to having some history that dopers are unaware of that I’m not telling there really is none. At least certainly none that has bearing on this issue. As I mentioned before there were no issues of infidelity, drugs, money, abuse, trust or anything like that. Indeed we tried for years to fix the marriage doing most everything under the sun such as counseling (couples and individual), books, retreats and even prescription drugs (that was a nightmare). The marriage simply did not take. Our divorce was about as amicable as these things ever get. No attorneys at all (save one to file court documents and make sure the “i’s” were dotted and the “t’s” were crossed). We did the whole divorce arrangement on our own and barely even fought over that. In short…nothing in our history speaks to this issue in any way. In fact, if the history is brought into it at all, she knows me well enough to know I am responsible and moral.

As to letting the dog stay with me I am looking into that. My lease says no pets but the landlord who lives in the building does have a dog (of course he owns the building so he can do as he pleases). Further, my roommate does not like dogs and is a neat freak. I asked once to let the dog stay for one night and he barely acceded to that. Asking to let her stay for 3 weeks I am guessing is too much. Nonetheless I will be asking him but he is out of town on business and i have not had the chance yet. In all though the prospect for her staying with me does not look good.

[In_Conceivable]

@Whack-a-Mole

Apparently the concept of a measured response appropriate to the situation is lost on you and some others. By some of the responses here you would think installing a video card merits the same response as burning down the house.

It is ALL about what ‘punishment’ (for lack of a better word) this mistake deserves.

Was I wrong for not asking before installing the video card? Yes.

Having made that mistake am I now someone who clearly cannot be trusted? My answer is still an unqualified “No”. That others seem to think the answer is “yes” is mroe than a little scary. I shudder to think of your reactions to more heinous mistakes.

Good lord man, did you ever think that maybe this wasn’t about punishing you? Perhaps it really is about boundaries just like she said. You don’t seem able to even acknowledge that some people feel differently about things then you do. She doesn’t want you staying at her house any more. She doesn’t need to have any reason for it. Most people don’t want to let their ex live at their house. You both need your own space.

No one here has said that you couldn’t be trusted. I am sure that you are a really nice guy who didn’t mean to do anything wrong. You don’t seem to be really listening to what anyone else is saying here. If you are this difficult to talk to all the time I can understand why she might be frustrated with you.

[Giraffe]

@Whack-a-Mole

It is ALL about what ‘punishment’ (for lack of a better word) this mistake deserves.

This may have nothing to do with punishment. The video card thing may have just been a catalyst in making her realize that she needs more distance from you. Not because you’re a bad, snooping person, but just to move on with her life and not fall back into old patterns.

If a friend of mine told me a story of her ex coming over and them having this argument, I would advise her to find someone else to watch her dog. It’s not about who is right or wrong – if being around you makes her act this way, then she needs to not be around you for a while.

[Whack-a-Mole]

[QUOTE=In Conceivable]
Good lord man, did you ever think that maybe this wasn’t about punishing you? Perhaps it really is about boundaries just like she said. You don’t seem able to even acknowledge that some people feel differently about things then you do. She doesn’t want you staying at her house any more. She doesn’t need to have any reason for it. Most people don’t want to let their ex live at their house. You both need your own space. [/ QUOTE]

How is it not about punishment? I can understand needing her own space but I am ONLY there to take care of the pets. When I am there we almost never cross paths as I generally leave before she gets home. She only calls me to ask that I come care for the animals. I practically never call her except in regards to the animals. How this is crowding her or taking her space I do not see as I am ONLY EVER there at her behest.

Agreed she needs zero reason to not want me at her house. Frankly staying there is a drag for me as I am away from my stuff and comfort zone and in a place I once called home with all the attendant memories that entails. I do it for the pets and as I said before this is not all altruistic on my part as I genuinely enjoy them and taking care of them.

No one here has said that you couldn’t be trusted.

Yes they have (highlighting mine).

@so_da_ne

I don’t blame her for feeling that she can’t trust you alone in her home anymore.

@Nametag

She trusted you to behave yourself in her absence, and instead you demonstrated that you can’t be trusted to respect her independence or her belongings. Yeah, she’s boarding the dog – she doesn’t feel there’s anyone she can trust in her house. Until you demonstrate some contrition, she’s right.

[lachesis]

@Whack-a-Mole

Personally when someone does something wrong to me I try and answer some of the following questions before deciding on an appropriate response.
[ul]
[li]Was the mistake malicious or is the issue just that, a mistake?[/li]
[li]How damaging was the mistake?[/li]
[li]How easy is it to rectify the mistake?[/li]
[li]How easy should it have been for a normal person to foresee that what they were about to do was a bad idea?[/li]
[li]Has the person made the same mistake before and been told to avoid it in the future but didn’t?[/li]
[li]Does the person have a history of other mistakes (i.e. prone to be more likely to make bad decisions than good ones)?[/li]
[li]Did the person apologize for the mistake?[/li]
[li]Did the person do whatever was necessary to fix the mistake at their own expense/effort?[/li][/ul]

at the risk of appearing to add to the gender-lines dogpile here, but maybe THIS is the whole source of your disconnect.

see, this is YOUR list of how you decide what’s good, bad or (in)appropriate.

IT’S NOT HER LIST.

you’re judging everything that happened, and all the fallout, based on your yardstick. but she has, and is very entitled to, her own.

you see “no big deal”. she sees “big deal.”

accept that fact, and try to get over it.

[Whack-a-Mole]

I screwed-up the formatting of my previous post…I’ll try again:

@In Conceivable

Good lord man, did you ever think that maybe this wasn’t about punishing you? Perhaps it really is about boundaries just like she said. You don’t seem able to even acknowledge that some people feel differently about things then you do. She doesn’t want you staying at her house any more. She doesn’t need to have any reason for it. Most people don’t want to let their ex live at their house. You both need your own space.

How is it not about punishment? I can understand needing her own space but I am ONLY there to take care of the pets. When I am there we almost never cross paths as I generally leave before she gets home. She only calls me to ask that I come care for the animals. I practically never call her except in regards to the animals. How this is crowding her or taking her space I do not see as I am ONLY EVER there at her behest. Now three weeks before she leaves on a three week vacation to another hemisphere she will stuff the dog in a cage and spend $1,000 to do that? How does that make sense? How am I crowding her space when she is 6,000 miles away?

Agreed she needs zero reason to not want me at her house. Frankly staying there is a drag for me as I am away from my stuff and comfort zone and in a place I once called home with all the attendant memories that entails. I do it for the pets and as I said before this is not all altruistic on my part as I genuinely enjoy them and taking care of them.

No one here has said that you couldn’t be trusted.

Yes they have.

@so_da_ne

I don’t blame her for feeling that she can’t trust you alone in her home anymore.

@Nametag

She trusted you to behave yourself in her absence, and instead you demonstrated that you can’t be trusted to respect her independence or her belongings. Yeah, she’s boarding the dog – she doesn’t feel there’s anyone she can trust in her house. Until you demonstrate some contrition, she’s right.

[Whack-a-Mole]

@lachesis

at the risk of appearing to add to the gender-lines dogpile here, but maybe THIS is the whole source of your disconnect.

see, this is YOUR list of how you decide what’s good, bad or (in)appropriate.

IT’S NOT HER LIST.

you’re judging everything that happened, and all the fallout, based on your yardstick. but she has, and is very entitled to, her own.

you see “no big deal”. she sees “big deal.”

accept that fact, and try to get over it.

How is that list unreasonable for anyone to apply?

We do not live in a vacuum. We live in a society where we are taught certain norms rather than descending into a Lord of the Flies anarchy.

I feel it is permissible to judge other people’s responses. Some men have killed their spouses for any number of reasons. Clearly THEY felt it was appropriate at the time and she deserved it. Myself and society say otherwise and that their choice of an appropriate response was wrong. In some countires it is legally permissible for a father to kill his daughter in some instances. Their religion and law and society says it is ok. I will keep my opinion that they are way off base on that one.

So sure, she can keep her own counsel of what level of response an issue demands. I will reserve my right to say she is off her rocker. I have spelled out the circumstances here as clearly and honestly as I can. Maybe you still think she is right on the money and it is me who is nuts. That’s your prerogative but I have as yet to see anything to come close to convincing me I am the Supreme Prick of the Universe for what I did.

[lachesis]

I feel it is permissible to judge other people’s responses.

ouch.

somehow i can’t help feeling that within those 10 words could easily be the wellspring of your problem.

[Maastricht]

Whack-A-Mole, man, I feel your indignation. My mother makes a mess out of her lives, (insane cluttering, fighting with friends) yet will only allow me to help her if I tread with the utmost care. I grind my teeth an do so.

Freedom of opinion is hardest when I have to allow people to speak up who are, in MY opinion, talking nonsense. It’s even harder when they are talking destructive nonsense. As long as the their nonsen is still within the law of the land, I have to bear it, or counter it respectfully. Others will treat you the same: that is called civilazation.

It is hardest to be respectful (not criticizing, asking permission beforehand, etc) to standards that are, in MY opinion, unreasonable.
Still, I have to do it. If, and that is the only relevant if, you want to maintain a good relation with your ex.

Does the videocard-incident make you a bad person, on any scale from 1 to 10? Alas, that is irrelevant.
I may like "fixers"and applaud your good intentions, your sense of responsability, your practicality, and the pushiness that gets the job done. Your girlfriend doesn’t like it and calls you a untrustworthy controlfreak. Who is “right”, me or your ex? Again, irrelevant. The only relevant question is with which of the two you are dealing, and that would be your ex.

Trust me, all this speculation on who is most unreasonable will get you nowhere. The philosophical discussion about the cultural relativity of values has been going on for centuries and they’ve yet to find The Answer.
When you deal with peoples property, their personal space or their reputation in the future, just ask, next time, beforehand. Believe me, it is much easier and saves a lot of trouble. Also, asking beforehand will save *you * the pain of going out of your way for someone and getting anger instead of thanks.

[Whack-a-Mole]

@lachesis

ouch.

somehow i can’t help feeling that within those 10 words could easily be the wellspring of your problem.

If you are honest with yourself you do the same or you are inhuman.

If you see a parent backhand a small child hard because the child is crying do you suggest you have no opinion about that? Or do you just write it off thinking, “Hey, up to them to decide what is appropriate…I have no opinion.”

Or more to the point what if it happens to you. Say you are at a friend’s house and back into a table bumping it spilling a glass of milk. The friend positively freaks and screams at you to leave and never return as you clearly cannot be trusted to repsect other people’s things. You are saying you would have no opinion of that response and feel it is up to the other person? If they felt that response was called for then so be it?

[Whack-a-Mole]

@Maastricht

When you deal with peoples property, their personal space or their reputation in the future, just ask, next time, beforehand. Believe me, it is much easier and saves a lot of trouble. Also, asking beforehand will save *you * the pain of going out of your way for someone and getting anger instead of thanks.

That lesson I have learned loud and clear and will likely not forget in the future. It simply didn’t occur to me before. If I had thought what I was doing was remotely wrong I wouldn’t have done it. As it was it was a last minute thought of mine to do this and never thought there would be an issue…never occured to me. I see now that was shortsighted and/or thoughtless of me and will not make the same mistake again.

Live and learn…

[lachesis]

again

I feel it is permissible to judge other people’s responses.

ok, maybe it’s just imprecise grammar to blame here… but i’m doubting it more and more.

do you understand the difference between “judging” people’s responses and “evaluating” them?

if my hypothetical friend should throw a total hissy because i accidentally (i.e., with no malice of forethought, or without any forethought for that matter) spilled some milk, i would certainly view such action as unreasonable. but what i’m doing is REACTING to her stance, and/or EVALUATING it based on my scale of appropriateness. to be JUDGING her on it implies that i’m making some final, absolute determination-- she’s right, she’s wrong, she’s insane, she’s evil yaddayaddayadda ad nauseum.

and yes, i’ll probably have an OPINION on a parent slapping a child in public. i might be cheering that they finally took their little brat in hand. i could even conceivably be thinking that they are in desperate need of better parenting skills. but to JUDGE them on an isolated incident is getting a little out of bounds. i have no idea if this is an aberration, standard procedure, or something between the two. and nobody has set me up as the Final Arbiter of All Things.

so maybe i just missed the memo. when did your appointment start?

[Whack-a-Mole]

@lachesis

again
ok, maybe it’s just imprecise grammar to blame here… but i’m doubting it more and more.

do you understand the difference between “judging” people’s responses and “evaluating” them?

if my hypothetical friend should throw a total hissy because i accidentally (i.e., with no malice of forethought, or without any forethought for that matter) spilled some milk, i would certainly view such action as unreasonable. but what i’m doing is REACTING to her stance, and/or EVALUATING it based on my scale of appropriateness. to be JUDGING her on it implies that i’m making some final, absolute determination-- she’s right, she’s wrong, she’s insane, she’s evil yaddayaddayadda ad nauseum.

and yes, i’ll probably have an OPINION on a parent slapping a child in public. i might be cheering that they finally took their little brat in hand. i could even conceivably be thinking that they are in desperate need of better parenting skills. but to JUDGE them on an isolated incident is getting a little out of bounds. i have no idea if this is an aberration, standard procedure, or something between the two. and nobody has set me up as the Final Arbiter of All Things.

so maybe i just missed the memo. when did your appointment start?

Perhaps you have a different definition of the word “judge” than the rest of the English speaking world does:

Main Entry: 1judge
Pronunciation: 'j&j
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): judged; judg·ing
Etymology: Middle English juggen, from Old French jugier, from Latin judicare, from judic-, judex judge, from jus right, law + dicere to decide, say – more at JUST, DICTION
transitive senses
1 : to form an opinion about through careful weighing of evidence and testing of premises
2 : to sit in judgment on : TRY
3 : to determine or pronounce after inquiry and deliberation
4 : GOVERN, RULE – used of a Hebrew tribal leader
5 : to form an estimate or evaluation of; especially : to form a negative opinion about <shouldn’t judge him because of his accent>
6 : to hold as an opinion : GUESS, THINK <I judge she knew what she was doing>
intransitive senses
1 : to form an opinion
2 : to decide as a judge

SOURCE: http://www.m-w.com/cgi-bin/dictionary?book=Dictionary&va=judge

So the word “judge” works for me just fine. The foremost use of the word (definiton #1) applies just fine with no further implications beyond what it says.

Sorry you missed the memo but I am the “Final Arbiter of All Things” that affect me directly. If you do something to me that affects my life you are darn tootin I will have an opinion about it. Whether that opinion means anything to you or anyone else or carries any weight in changing things is another matter but I WILL be responding to you according to my final analysis.

[lachesis]

so you’re comfortable making absolutist rulings on what should and should not be.

:: shrug ::

fine. your world, and welcome to it.

but don’t come crying to everyone else looking for validation on your JUDGEments, then be all pissy about it if we don’t all fall in line to agree.