I’ve been on four dates with a nice well put together lady. We’ve held hands and kissed, but nothing more. Just long walks and some innocent activities. She’s giving me indications that she wants to be exclusive to me…and I don’t think I’m ready for that yet. She met some of my friends the other night…which I think puts some more pressure on me to make a decision. While we have had some good talks…for some reason I don’t feel excited about the relationship. Perhaps it’s a lack of “chemistry” for lack of a better term. As being relatively new to the dating pool after about four years (and I never have been very experienced) I want to be fair to her and not string her along. Should I just tell her I think we should just be friends? I suppose it’s best to do that in person? I’m gonna sleep a few nights just to be sure I’m not making a poor decision (I’m a bit overworked and tired right now).
Definitely sleep if you think that will help.
It sucks, but if you still aren’t feeling it - then it’s better to pull the plug as soon as possible.
You probably don’t need to do it in person. A phone call should be enough.
Are you any more interested after date four than date one?
Sometimes people are awkward at first. Chemistry is hard to define. I wouldn’t necessarily say there is no chance after four dates, but you should have an idea if you think there is potential.
It would help you a lot, both for this experience, but also for dating in general, if you can try to get a better sense of what is lacking. It could easily be a minor fix or miscommunication. For example, say your date seems a little conventional and boring. It could be that normally they are a tiger, but are overcompensating in the opposite direction not to scare off a new connection. Or it could be they misinterpreted something you said and now believe they are acting more to your preference.
More importantly, maybe the supposed lack of chemistry is actually your fault. Maybe she seems boring, but really she is a bit bored by your plans. Maybe if you made more exciting plans, both of you would have a more exciting time and experience more chemistry.
It’s a well proven psychological phenomenon that people have trouble discerning whether their feelings are attributable to one thing or another. People who crossed a dangerous bridge mistook their excitement about that danger for extra attraction towards a woman at the other end. So don’t be so quick to blame it on chemistry.
Even if it is not going to work with this person, you’ll do a lot better in the dating game if you can get a better handle on exactly what you want and don’t want, and communicate those well to potential partners.
Huh? Are you 14 years old?
This is your decision, not your friends’.
And I would definitely recommend that you spend time with her along with some other people, not just the 2 of you. That may be less intimate, but it definitely helps you get to know each other. Being part of a group activates wider aspects of someone’s personality, instead of being totally focused just on each other all evening.
If you’re not feeling it, you’re not feeling it. In my experience, one of the biggest mistakes you can make is to try to go along with a relationship that doesn’t have that spark. You can fake it for a while, but it will catch up to you eventually, and by then it will be much harder and messier than if you didn’t go down that path in the first place.
Just tell her you think she is well put together. I think your problem will be solved.
You’re just not that into her.
I meant to communicate that because she’s getting introduced to my social circle things feel a little more official, and that I should make a decision about how serious we are going to be. Try re-reading my post again…you might catch a few things you missed.
Yeah. It just seems very non-exciting. It may be me I admit! I have done almost all the initiating…and I think I was hoping some of that would be returned. We’ve gone to two concerts, a movie, dinner, bowling, and have been running.
Also…I’m a little paranoid these days about being direct and honest…mostly cause of how my last relationship went (I was direct and honest…likely too much…and eventually it contributed to it ending). I want to be communicative, but not so much to harm the “flow” of things…if that makes any sense.
Be honest, but not brutally honest. Be direct, but not insulting. It’s not always such a fine line that you can’t manage to be on the right side of it.
If she hasn’t taken the initiative to plan any dates, perhaps she feels the same and is just going along with it because, like you, she’s afraid to express her ambivalence about things so far. She may breathe a sigh of relief if you say something that lets both of you off the hook.
My money is on the fact that she’s where you are (meh…) but is hesitant to say so, just yet.
First, are you dating anyone else? If not, why not? There should be no reason to be so blunt with her at this juncture. It’s okay to date more than one person at the same time. If she hasn’t come out and said that she wants to be exclusive, then she hasn’t brought it up…and if she does, tell her you would like to keep it as it is, as exclusivity at this point in the relationship seems a bit premature.
Quasimodal,
I’m in the exact same situation as you. And this weekend I decided that next time I see him, I will tell him in a very nice way because he is a nice guy that I’m not feeling the same way he is. My only issue in telling him is that his birthday is on Thursday and I have no idea if I should do it before or after… oh well!
I was just in that situation. The guy seemed sort of nervous and awkward. I got the immediate impression that sex with him would also be awkward and fumbly. He was attractive enough and is a very decent guy. He would make a great boyfriend for someone who is nervous and awkward. I also found him a tad patronizing, although he may not be aware that he sometimes comes off that way.
He basically gave me the exit door: he kept asking about moving forward into an exclusive relationship, telling me that he really missed that and really wanted to have someone to talk to at the end of the day. Poor guy, I hope he finds what he’s looking for. I told him I wasn’t interested in a relationship at all and what he was describing sounded like a trap to me. That pretty much made it clear that we were doomed. I wasn’t 100% completely honest though; I wasn’t interested in a relationship* with him*.
My vote is to be honest and straightforward as soon as you realize it’s just not working for you. Life is too short to be miserable and it’s way too short to string someone along when they could move on and find someone more suited to them.
She has said to me that “She isn’t going anywhere”…and that she would clear her schedule whenever I am free. Sounds like she’s wanting to be exclusive. I’m not dating anyone else…though I am active on Eharmony right now…I’m going on a big trip soon so it’s hard to be motivated right at the moment.
You should date some other people and let her know subtly that you are doing so. She will get the message without you having to have “the talk.”
Just for the record…your handle is awesome! Sums up my year 
You have a history of asking for validation. Stop it, and just make the goddamn decision already. I’m not going to tell you what to do, because you’re an adult and I’m an adult and nobody can make this decision (or any decision) FOR you. Make it yourself. It’s okay if you later think you made the wrong decision. You can’t go back in time and fix it, but you can use the lesson to make better decisions in the future. Here are your options, pick your favorite and go with it:
- If you want to keep dating her, keep dating her.
- If you don’t want to keep dating her, stop dating her.
- If you’re not sure, keep dating her until you are. Or stop dating her if you think you should be surer by now. It *doesn’t matter *to anybody but you and her.
Yeah, it really is that simple. Work on being less indecisive.
How about this. You know me on the basis of threads posted throughout the year on this website. I make hundreds of decisions all the time. Stop bringing up the past when not asked for. I’m not asking for validation of a choice, just advice on dating. Are you perfect? Have you never asked for advice. There is a difference. How do you think I met her in the first place? I made the decision. I find the dope’s main purpose in my life is for advice (and to help out others in need of advice). Recognize that and also recognize you really know very little about me.
Hear me now and believe me later. If you do decide to have sex with her and afterwards want to continue the relationship, have some flowers sent to her the next day. Do NOT just leave the money you’d spend on flowers on her night table or dresser. That gets wimmen angry. Trust me on this.