I’m with you Shakes. Since I don’t drink anymore I don’t have the liquid courage any longer, which has cut down on my ability to get dates significantly.
If it wasn’t for e-mailing or texting I wouldn’t be getting any action at all.
Plus us cowards need to stick together.
So, in your mind, you were taking a survey or a poll?
Define interest. Schtupphing you on the bar? Because that’s about the only thing she could have done to make her interest any clearer.
Like getting a tattoo of your name? She was interested.
You win some, you lose some. That’s life.
I’m gonna answer cold before I read the other replies: If you don’t have the interest and the cohones to call me, then you’re not going to make it in a relationship with me.
I have allowed for the e-mail or text as first contact, and even said yes to a first date requested by e-mail. But the above rule has always proven to be true, and in future I won’t break it. Call me, or just know that you’re not man enough for me. Which is fine, really. I’m sure there’s a girl out there for you, I’m just sayin’ she ain’t me.
Kapri,
I’m not asking you to justify yourself but I’m wondering why you wouldn’t give them your number if they didn’t ask.
I think she means
You have to catch the 5:14 train. It’s 5:11 and the man you have been speaking with for the last ten minutes hasn’t asked you for your number yet. You’re certain there is mutual interest, and you are very much interested, but you don’t have enough time to wait for him to work up the courage to ask. You scribble down your number and say “I have to board my train now, but I’d love to speak with you again. Here’s my number” and then run for your train.
If I’m understanding correctly, she wouldn’t do this.
Well, they are certainly capable of being insulting, aren’t they, when they are trying to be? Your post came off as very insulting, when I read it. You might not have meant it as insulting, but I think it definitely had some seeds of insult in it.
I think he dodged a bullet in that it’s nice to find out early when there is an incompatibility, and from where I sit it looks like an incompatibility. It’s a missed opportunity to see how deep the incompatibility goes, I guess.
The construction of your sentence is somewhat confusing to me (the “wouldn’t” and “didn’t” part) but if you are asking why I would not give my number to someone who didn’t ask–well, I just wouldn’t. I am not very forward most of the time, although that changes somewhat if I’ve been drinking.
I have a few friends who give a guy their number and smile and say “Call me,” but I would never do that. I figure if a man wants my number, he will ask for it. And plenty of men do. About 1 in 20 might follow that up with a call or email; most won’t.
The other day I was in a local wine bar with a male friend and a young lady went up to two men sitting next to us and asked, “Are you guys single?” I would never, ever ask that, but I admire her for having the balls to do it.
Ha, yeah, I wouldn’t, but I should, shouldn’t I? I really should.
I’m not sure how I can make it any clearer to you. Just because a woman shows an interest in you while under the influence of a couple of cocktails, doesn’t mean she will still have that interest the next day. Trust me I know.
So, yeah, to use your vernacular Yes, I was “polling her”. (pun intended)
I got that. I’m wondering why she wouldn’t do this.
I really don’t get why 1 in 20 would call/email. What’s the point of asking for a number if not to call? Ego boosting?
Is there a difference in how they ask for your number that correlates with whether or not they’ll call?
When makes you apprehensive about offering your number? What do you fear might happen?
I wouldn’t tell someone to call me because it feels pushy.
If a guy is interested and wants to get to know me better, all he has to do is ask me for my contact information. If I like him, I will give it to him.
The idea that guys like to chase has a grain of truth to it. And it follows then that women like to feel chased. Asking a guy to call you takes some of that away, for both parties.
The saddest thing for me in this is how small symbolic things on each side have been read to mean huge things about the personality and interest of the other party. Anxiety was interpreted as lack of respect, and lack of reply to a text was interpreted as non-interest.
Both parties were actually interested in each other, and have managed to make it so nothing further will take place.
Otara
I couldn’t tell you what the purpose of asking for the number is. I’ve had three men I can think of off the top of my head who have asked for my number three times, recalling each time that they did but never called, and I’ve given it to them each time, but nothing. One was just a few weeks ago. I ran into him on the main street of my town and he said, “Hey, we never got together! Give me your number and I’ll call you and we’ll have drinks next week!” So I gave him my number for the third time in as many years, and he never called. Another guy asked me a few months ago, again for the third time, and I told him in a teasing sort of way that I had given him my number several times and he never called, so he must have it somewhere.
No difference in how they ask that I can note, but I think I’m clueless about stuff like that.
I don’t like offering my number because I’m afraid they’ll recoil in horror and say, “WHAT? You think I’m interested in you? Eeewww.” So fear of rejection, I guess.
That’s fucked up.
So, it turns out that many people have different social norms for communication. To some people, “call” means specifically “phonecall” and the only reason you would do anything else is because you’re so STUPID and OBSTINATE to listen to clear instructions. To other people, “call” and “get in touch” are synonymous, and find it impossible to imagine that you’re supposed to remember the precise wording.
As an analogy, imagine someone expected to only be asked out in a particularly formal way, and you just phoned them, and they good all huffy. You’d feel like Shakes. Or imagine someone was interested in you, and then they texted you in badly spelled txt spk.You’d likely think less of them, like the girl.
People also seem to have startling different ideas about how formal a first date is. To some people, it’s best to be casual, to pretend there’s no romantic interest, just meeting up as friends, and then letting something happen. To others, it’s a ritual, where you have to jump through certain hoops to show you’re serious.
As far as I can see, different people had different norms, and neither were prepared for it. And neither cared very much, or they’d have made an effort to surmount it.
Different strokes for different folks.