Amen. I think that a lot of times people place emphasis on similarity in partners in ways that actually do not make or break relationships.
My current boyfriend is, on the surface, really not very similar to me (different tastes in music, different religious views, different political views, when we first met he was a security guard while I was studying to be a physician…). However, our personalities, senses of humor, and styles of communication are extremely compatible so we’ve had a very loving, harmonious relationship…much better than anything we’ve had with anyone who was seemingly more similar.
I definitely believe in being open minded and giving people a chance. It can be a pleasant surprise.
wow - that bad, huh? If you don’t have the courage to at least meet for a cup of coffee - sometimes people just take really bad pictures - then at least say - “it’s been really nice learning more about you - although I don’t think we’re compatible enough to move forward - I’ve enjoyed our conversations and wish you all the best.”
There’s no way for them not to realize you think they are unattractive at this point. No matter what you do. But at least have the class to say godspeed.
Honestly? I would drag it out a few more emails and then make something up about meeting someone else. They may still suspect it’s about their looks, but at least hten it’s plausible that it isn’t the reason, and I think they deserve at least that. It would be cruel to bail right after the photo - that would be too obvious.
Okay, as long as this is turning into a pseudo-advice thread. Here’s my dilemma (<-is that spelled right?).
I exchanged a few emails with a girl over the course of a night (two each way), she didn’t reply to my last one. The next day I sent another one with just a question in (what kind of movies do you like, or something like that), no reply, the next day I sent her another email along the lines of “It was nice talking to you, if you’re still interested etc etc etc”, nothing. Then about 3 weeks later I sent her one more (what do I have to lose at this point) email telling her I’m still interested if she still wants to talk. The next day she apologized and said that she’s been REALLY busy and just hasn’t had time (despite the fact that she’s online for at least an hour a day…just while I’m on) and that it would be easier if she could call me, and asked for my phone number. I replied and tried to carry on the conversation but didn’t send my number. Haven’t heard back since. That was a few days ago. Just an hour ago, I sent her another “if you’re still interested” email.
So, do I just let this go? Do I send her my phone number and accept that even though she’s online all the time, maybe she really has been busy. It’s entirely possible she just signs on but walks away from the computer, or she just signs on for a second but match.com takes a while to update her online/offline status.
My plan, at the moment has been wait for her to have her IM’s turned on and just send her an IM.
She’s one of the only people I’ve had any interest in pursuing…perhaps an email that says “Wow, totally forgot to put my phone number in that email, sorry about that. xxx-xxx-xxxx, I’ll be at home tonight and tomorrow after work if you want to chat.” I don’t know why, but I’d prefer to just jump right in and meet her face to face.
Actually I just started this thread over here if you want to ask it there.
I like it when a guy shows initiative about his interest, but there seems to bit of an overkill that sends me a message of “I’ll get to my response when I get to it! Why is this guy harassing me? Doesn’t he have anything better to do than eagerly wait by his computer for a immediate response?” The times when I get an interesting email I don’t respond to the next day is either because it was so well written that I want to think up a eloquent response that shows I put as much thought as he did into it. Or, it is because the email was rather bland that I moved it down the priority list and will eventually get to it. Either way, having someone follow up again and again would put me off. One follow-up is okay. A second or a third would make it likely that I don’t respond.
The “busy” excuse, while sometimes legitimate is ultimately a cop-out. Why would someone be posting an ad or actively responding to emails on a dating site if they don’t have much time for it to start? Of course, it just happens that a week or two fills up unexpectedly, but in the end, there should at least be a quick “I’ve been really busy, I’ll try to write up a better response when things settle down”
That’s not a good sign. She gave you an alternative to contact her; she may be easier to reach on the phone, she’ll see that you’ve contacted her when you call instead of waiting until she gets home to see your emails, or she’s just more comfortable with phone conversations. Rather than offer your number, you proceeded with the way you wanted it to go, disregarding her request completely, so in all likelihood, she saw that you don’t take her needs into account and wrote your subsequent emails off.
There’s not much else to go on this other than hoping for a response.
(Disclaimer: I’m not a representative of all females. It’s possible that she does not see it as I do. I mean, I have to ask for advice on things myself, so I don’t know all things related to the dating world.)
So instead of rejecting someone outright, and them knowing it’s because of how they look, you drag it out more, wasting their time and yours, so it’s plausible that it’s not about looks? You’re not doing them a favor, you’re doing yourself one. You may hurt their feelings or whatever, but that’s part of dating, you’re going to get rejected sometimes, it may be for good reason or it may be for bad reasons, but if you can’t take it, you shouldn’t be out there. Besides, rejection is always a lot worse to think about than actually face.
As for the OP, personally, I’ve tried to give responses, especially when it’s clear that they put some thought into a response. Though, I will admit that sometimes I haven’t because my interest waivers or I’m busy, and then I’d feel awkward trying to re-establish communication after a longer wait.
And if you do respond, it should just be an acknowledgment so they don’t wonder if you’re busy or if you didn’t get it or whatever. If you give reasons, it’s inviting someone to try to rationalize them away and it just results in an uncomfortable situation. And if it’s because of a fairly obvious deal breaker (eg, they have kids, large age difference, etc.), surely they’re already aware of that, so it’s not like it’s going to help them out by telling them either.
Back when I was doing the online dating thing, I met one guy, and the next day he had his ad changed to specifically eliminate people like me. I can tell you that that rejection stung a lot more than the hundreds of guys who simply didn’t respond to my emails or just disappeared for no apparent reason. So yeah, string them on for a couple more emails then politely reject them. Yes, people doing online dating are putting themselves out there, but someone telling you basically to your face that you’re too ugly for them is harsh even for these unnatural conditions.
Ouch. Jeez.
I totally agree, which is why I answer anyone who made a real effort (started a conversation as opposed to just typing “Hi.”), and isn’t creepy or an asshole. I’ve met in person a few people who totally weren’t what I was looking for in terms of a LTR, but we’re still friends, and I call that a win regardless. And who knows what the chemistry will be like face-to-face, anyway?
I suppose it depends on the venue where you’re finding them (Craigslist?), but I just don’t initiate conversations with someone who doesn’t have a photo in their profile. For whatever reason, it strikes me as someone trying to hide something, which makes me too suspicious to consider interacting with them. And in the one instance where a photoless profile contacted me, both his message and his profile made it clear he was a married dude looking for a one-night stand while he was in town on a business trip (presumably without his wife’s knowledge), which certainly didn’t do anything to convince me I’m wrong about the “something to hide” thing.
JoeyP, holy hell, you’re going way overboard on sending her messages. If you send two in a row with no response, let it go. Either she really is busy, and isn’t going to get back to you any sooner no matter how many messages you send, or she’s lost interest and STILL isn’t going to message you any sooner. I would be (and have been) seriously creeped out by people who kept writing when I wasn’t responding (and in those cases the messages had this tone of either desperation or entitlement anyway, so repeating themselves wasn’t helping their case at all – and in fact it got them added to my blocklist).
Unless you have a specific reason why you don’t want her to have your phone number (and not trusting an internet stranger with it is a good enough reason), just give it to her and see if she calls. If you don’t want to do that, counter with a suggestion to meet up, and see what happens. If she doesn’t bite, she’s not the girl for you. (Really. “Incompatible dating styles” is a good enough reason, too.)
The part I was responding to with that quote was stringing someone along for a few e-mails when you get their pictures and decide you’re not attracted to them rather than ending it right there. I think stringing someone along when you know you aren’t interested in them is cruel because they’re still going to feel rejected at some point, and now you’re lying to them and wasting their time instead.
As for your point here, rejection is something that’s more of a personal preference. I generally prefer it, just because if when I invest some time and energy in something, I like to have some kind of closure. If I’m going to take 5-10 minutes to read a profile and anywhere from 15-30 minutes to generate a message, I think it’s courteous to at least acknowledge it. However, if it’s something I’ve invested little in, like say a “nice profile, let’s chat”, then sure, it’s not a big deal because I haven’t really invested anything.
In either case, it’s up to the rejecter if they feel like it’s appropriate to respond or not and either is fine because you can’t really know the preferences of the person you’re rejecting. However, if one is going to reject someone, it should be done in a courteous way. The method you described is cruel and I’d prefer no response to that as well, but I don’t think that should be used as a reason to say that rejecting is bad in general. Some people are just jerks.
I don’t know if I made my point clearly, either - I just meant that if you’re talking to someone, and you reject them immediately after seeing their picture, they’ll know, just like I knew, and it did sting more.
Eh, I would liken dumping someone right after they have shown you their photo to dumping someone on their birthday. It’s horrible timing and makes an unpleasant situation more painful than it otherwise would have been.
Ugly people often (not always, but often) are well aware that they are ugly and are very self-conscious about it (probably a reason why this person didn’t post their photo on the profile to begin with). The last thing that someone like that needs is to have it confirmed for them that their looks really are bad enough to kill someone’s interest in them.
When I say to drag it out a little I’m not saying carry things on for weeks or months. Just don’t make it totally obvious that the person is too ugly to be loved.
(I am being slightly flippant with that last line of course, since there is someone out there for everyone - and, for the record, while I don’t view myself as ugly, I am definitely not a particularly good looking person either)