Thanks a lot.
Shoud I be trying to figure out which of those categories I fall into?
I posted a similar question long ago here.
It basically skeeved me out as well. I was promptly flamed for it, so I thought it was a character flaw on my part, so I dated her. Once. Then ran for the hills.
I then promptly dated ANOTHER person, also in their late 30’s – never married – and she ended up being skittish about dating in general and was so hot-and-cold that it basically pissed me off to those same hills.
A few months later I found ANOTHER person (here at work) who was 40 and never married. Dated once. She ended up being as flighty as the first two.
So, against the grain of the responders on this (and the one linked above) thread I’m going to give you my personal experiences in this matter as an insight as to things-that-might-be ™. YMMV – and I hope it does.
In my <sarcasm>vast dating experience</sarcasm>, I’ve found that the excuse of “maybe she/he hasn’t found that ‘special someone’”, or “the timing never worked” or any of the other excuses offered here are just that – excuses to hide some deep character flaw.
Feel free to pit me if you disagree. I will be the first person to admit that I’m opinionated and judgmental.
But be careful about this person just the same.
You know, I once would’ve vigorously denied that having never been married makes you someone to be cautious about. And then I turned forty. And I realized that there are reasons I’ve never married and they do make me different and porbably a much less likely dating candidate than someone who has previously made a marriage commitment even if it ended badly. I’m much less tolerant of the accomodations one needs to make to have a traditional relationship and I’m not particularly interested in compromising my time and interests for those of another.
More importantly, I don’t really have any interest in getting married. Honestly, unless you’re an anti-social serial killer, if you want to get married, you can find someone. (and even serial killers turn out to have been married in many cases) At this age, I think a lack of marriage (or, as an alternative, a long-term committed realtionship) indicates that there may be issues. Maybe not something readily apparent, probably not something insurmountable with enough desire, but it’s there.
Note though, that your experiences don’t really excuse you of having a character flaw yourself. If you date ten 40+ aged women, and they all seem “flighty”, and “skittish about dating”, it could still be an issue with you. Actually, I’d say the odds are that it is you. Can you expand on “flighty” and “skittish about dating”? What were direct issues for ending the relationships? Were they Seinfeld breakups?
Exactly. Your “flighty” and “skittish about dating” might be her “boring” and “we went on two dates, please stop calling me hourly”.
Like tremorviolet, I’m not married because I don’t particularly want to be. At least not enough to inconvenince myself at all. I suppose that could be considered a “character flaw”. Personally, I consider it a lifestyle choice. It *would * be a character flaw if I let guys think that I was inclined to be their girlfriend, but I don’t.
Meh. My husband was 41 when we married, and had never been married, or previously been in a long-term relationship. He just hadn’t met anyone that he thought was worth it. Picky? Perhaps. But other than being a world-class slob (not a unique flaw, I believe), there wasn’t anything wrong with him.
ETA: I didn’t include myself in the anecdote, because I was 27 when we married.
Oh Johnny I hardly knew ye.
Yeah, I’m not sure I would label it a “character flaw” but it is a viewpoint outside of the mainstream and, if you’re a person looking for a traditional relationship, a history of unmarriedness is an indicator that the prospective date may not be looking for the same thing. (and I don’t mean traditional as in Republican, 2.4 kids, wife at home, just in the sense of a committed, monogamous, moving towards possible cohabitation type relationship)
And I’m not saying that it can’t change either. If I met a person I was head over heels for, I think I’d change my current opinion. (or not, it’s hard to say) But I’m not willing to make compromises soley for the sake of being in a relationship although many people are. And chances are, if being in a relationship is important to them, by their forties, they’ve probably tried marriage or a very long term relationship.
I think that the highlighted part suggests a possible answer.
I don’t think not being married necessarily=not able to keep up with commitments or whatever. Hmm, I’'m not married, never been, neither has my SO, and we’ve been together for more than 10 years. The reasons why not are many and sundry and they’re no one’s business but ours - but I would be more skittish about someone who had never been in a relationship than someone who’s never married.
I don’t really even know if marriage is a good thing, actually. It’s been forced down our throats so much by every culture and every religion and there’s good things to it, the way it was envisioned, but as I said before, I don’t know if I like the legal ramifications behind it. I don’t really believe monogamy is the default for humans either. Even those who have been in relationships for long must acknowledge they worked damn hard to maintain those, or they are unequal relationships.
I love the person I’m with very much but I’m not going to get married until I’m good and ready and he is also, no matter what society says (and believe me, I get plenty of shtick about my decision). So maybe that’s why I don’t have the least problem with unmarried guys.
As tremorviolet and DianaG have suggested, the fact that someone has reached 45 or more and never married may make that person a bad choice for someone for you to date – if getting married is a priority for you.
If getting married isn’t a priority for you, you may find that person interesting, attractive, fun, great in bed, kind, generous, (loyal, clean, brave, reverent), etc. – IOW, well worth spending time with. Even spending a fair amount of time with.
Probably not 24/7 time, but quality time nonetheless.
My darling Marcie was 45 when we met and had never been married. According to her, she never met a man she wanted to marry.
45, never been married, had numerous LtR and lived with women.
Some of us just never get around to the ring thing.
I’m 30 and in a relationship, but a mere two years ago, I was single and:
- had a male roommate friend, with whom I hung out a lot;
- had a night shift job;
- had very low socializing needs;
- didn’t really care whether I had a boyfriend or not;
and 5) never viewed marriage as something I must do once I was in a good relationship.
I could easily have become 45 and unmarried. Hell, if my SO weren’t so keen on marriage, I still could be 45 and unmarried [sub]but in a happy, committed relationship[/sub] in a decade and a half.
I have great relationships with family and friends and at work. By all indications I’m a good, cool, funny, and not physically repulsive person. So in many cases, including mine, “never been married” means just that, and nothing more.
I am 36 and I have never been married. I wish someone would tell me what my personality flaw is so that I can change it. Seriously. Because I am definitely not asexual.
Me, too. Where can we go to get the brutal truth about ourselves? Now I’m not strictly in this category, because I was married for 16 years…but I’ve been single for 13, and everyone I’ve dated has dumped me…i can only conclude that I have a fatal flaw that no one will tell me about.
Maybe we could open some sort of salon called, “The Brutal Truth.” You go there, fill out some questionaires, they take pictures of you naked from every angle, they put you through a grueling 3 hour interview process, and then finally at the end they sit you down and say, “OK here is what is wrong with you…”
Well, I think that’s what it really comes down to, isn’t it? I was in a relationship for ten years, and it broke up over the question of whether or not to get married. Now, I admit to not being a huge fan of the institution, and I came up with dozens of good, practical reasons why we shouldn’t. But he really wanted to, and the fact is that if I’d loved him enough, I’d have done it.
So really, when you get right down to it, I’ve never met anyone I’d want to marry. That doesn’t mean I never will. But either way, I don’t lose sleep over it.
Eh. I was 35 and had never been in a real long-term relationship. I had had some possibilities but they weren’t good matches for me. When I started dating my partner I knew within a week that we’d be in it for the long run. We’ve been together 9 1/2 years and will have our 10th commitment ceremony anniversary this spring.
Anyone is free to defend their position, but if asked what my knee-jerk reaction is I’d have to say it’s definately a little weird, and I would assume that there was something wrong with her. Not to say that you should write someone off completely just because of their age, we’ve had plenty of examples in this thread of people who don’t think it’s odd and who have gone on to have successful relationships, it’s just my opinion though.
Full disclosure: I fully expect to reach 45 while never being married.