My own mother is a lot more comfortable not knowing details about over-night trips that her daughters take with their boyfriends, so as a kindness to her, I lie. It’s silly. I’m 45. But she’s 72 and I’m still the baby girl. Did I say I was 45? I tried for adult honesty when I was 32. I tried again when I was 41. My sisters scolded me for upsetting her and instructed me to lie forevermore. Did I say it was silly? I tell her I’m going out of town for the weekend but only give her as many details as she asks and I say it’s with girlfriends and not my boyfriend. Yes, my mom lives in Disneyland with the soundtrack from Little House on the Prairie playing softly in the background but I love her anyway.
Cyn, RN and did I say I was going to be 46?
I’m not joking, I think you should honestly tell her she’s being very overprotective and that any other discussion of this matter should be between her and your daughter.
There’s something really interesting about the way you want to position yourself here. You don’t want us poking fun at your wife, and you don’t want to discuss her feelings with her. But you want us to tell you how to react. Presumably in order to achieve your goal of getting it to blow over, only more quickly?
“How to best respond”? She’s your wife, don’t you know by now?
If she’s withholding her approval, but not preventing her from going, that’s her choice. How is your response going to change that? It’s not really your problem, it’s between them.
Aren’t you and your wife allowed to hold differing views?
She’s an adult. At most, I think the mom should make sure she knows about proper protection. Other than that, it’s time to carve that part of her life out of your brain and never think about it.
(I think Dinsmore’s comment about it blowing over was a bit of humor.)
Question: How is the mother/daughter relationship, in general? I mean, I know your kids are generally very good. But how does she get along with her mother? Could this be part of a bigger issue?
You know your wife better than we do, but I think you might try impressing on her that your daughter is going to make adult decisions, will probably make adult mistakes, but that such is part of the process of becoming a self-sufficient person, that trying to control her is only going to fail and stress your wife’s relationship with your daughter and that the best you can do is trust that the values and education you’ve already instilled will see her through. As for her “reputation,” that’s not a social factor that even exists anymore.
My guess is it’s definitely part of a bigger issue - there was a huge blow-up about a football jersey IIRC a while back. Mom has control issues and tends to have fits when she doesn’t get her way.
I just don’t see where Dinsdale can change that. That’s why we can’t give him a magic response that changes her. Doesn’t exist.
I’m late here but I’ll pop off anyway. My daughter is 22, and only in the last year or so has she stopped asking instead of informing us of her whereabouts. Her boyfriend is 24, and lives about 2 hours away. Most weekends either she’s there visiting him, or he’s here. If he stays here, they’re on the couch.
She is NOT sexually active and I know because she says so, and she knows she can tell us anything. We raised her to let her make most every decision to guide her life, knowing that we’re there in the event rescue is called for. She’s an amazing kid, and it sounds like yours is too.
And this:
pretty much nails what I was saying.
I remember that incident, but I couldn’t remember which of the kids was involved.
Strangle her to death. Your wife is right, your honor is at stake!
Or relax. Your call.
Enjoy,
Steven
How are defining sexually active? I can almost believe that an adult, healthy woman in a long-term relationship isn’t having intercourse, but I think you are probably living in denial land if you think they’re not regularly exchanging all kinds of sexual favors. Seriously. A 24 year old man is going to be happy in a chaste, long-term relationship?
Just because children have good relationships with their parents doesn’t mean they’re willing to share private information. Hell, I’ve been married for seven years, and I’m still quite happy to have my whole family think I’m as pure as the driven snow.
I dunno…I think the implication that there’s something unhealthy about not being sexually active is a little unfair, to her or her boyfriend. He’s hardcore christian, which may dictate where the whole relationship goes, and I can easily see where she’d be happy to hold off if it’s that important to him.
“Hardcore Christian male who’s saving himself for marriage” is code for “homosexual.”
I know they’re not having intercourse - perhaps there are some other things happening, but I honestly doubt that. Whether he’s hard core christian or not (and FTR - hard core christian=hypocricy to me, but that’s another argument), yeah there are a lot of 20 something kids out there that aren’t “regularly exchanging all kinds of sexual favors”.
Look, I work with teenagers all the time, there is no land of denial for me, I just know my kid. She’s admitted some things to me or her mom that “most” kids don’t talk to parents about.
I’m curious what you think your family would define someone as being pure as the driven snow if you’ve been married for 7 years?
I was responding to Mr Bus Guy. I mean, I don’t believe Dinsdale’s story, either, but Mr Bus Guy came in and offered that info about his daughter as though to support Dinsdale’s claim, and it just seems ridiculous on its face. Sure there’s the possibility that they drive 2 hours each way to chill out on the couch and hold hands while watching appropriately rated family movies, but I just don’t believe it.
ETA: And by “pure as the driven snow” I mean I don’t want any member of my family to ask about my sex life, talk about my sex life, think about my sex life, or otherwise acknowledge that I, in any way, have a sex life. I could see why young women (or young men) might not want to share that aspect of their relationships with their parents, even if they are close.
Jeeeez…I can easily believe that some people put their religious beliefs before their physical urges. In fact, Sarahfeena (one of my all-time favorite catholics!) said on these very boards that she didn’t indulge until after she was married for one simple reason: pre-marital pregnancy was NOT an option for her (man, I hope I remembered that correctly). This could be The Boyfriend’s logic if that’s where his head is at.
Men don’t.
Well that’s threadworthy. I’ll start one.
My cousin’s husband did. I broke up with a guy who was 40 years old and still a virgin - by choice.
He was probably gay.