I just scanned the thread, but has this been mentioned? A 20-yr old is NOT an adult IF s/he is still living at home. She’s still asking for favors (like packing the family car to move her into college), and she’s still in the house. Ergo, when you live under the same roof, you follow house rules. In the least, it is out of respect for your mother and father. When she’s on her own 100% independent, then she can do whatever she wants. (I know what you’re thinking… respect? What’s that?)
Otherwise, she might find her bags thrown on the street as a reminder who’s the landlord at this (free) establishment. By the way, who’s footing the bill for her college education? Seems to me she owes you a little something in return in gratitude. There are no free rides in this world.
I don’t disagree, but are you honestly saying that you’d find that an appropriate response to a 20 year old taking an overnight trip with her long-term boyfriend?
If so, I’m not sure “tough love” means what you think it means.
Don’t really want to prolong this thread, but I feel it appropriate to report on my follow-up. (Is it silly of me to feel such an obligation here?)
In short, I brought the topic up yesterday evening, asking my wife how she felt and why she felt that way. She didn’t seem too happy to be discussing it, and said some stuff I pretty clearly disagreed with about how she thinks society is more conservative about certain sexual matters than they were even 20 years ago, and how whether or not our kid is having sex, she oughtn’t throw it in our faces. (This is a rough paraphrase - I am not going to try to accurately present a position I do not fully understand or agree with, now do I desired a debate on the various points.)
Like someone asked, it is possible for us to disagree on things, and this seems like one of them. So, at least I asked her for clarification instead of shutting her down if she wanted to discuss it. I am now happy to drop the matter both at home and here. I think it will be a bit of a shame if my kid were to skip this trip because of her mom’s (IMO) unreasonable response, but I’m sure we will all survive relatively intact whether she goes or not.
I’m not sure how clear this was, but I think that she was living with her parents for her first year at college. I think that, in her parents’ eyes, puts her in the same place as highschool.
[longwinded anecdote that might shed some light on the mom’s thinking here]
After HS, I attended a community college for a couple semesters before I went to the Army. Then I went away for college. At college, I never told my parents where I was, because I wasn’t living with them. Years later I got laid off and moved back in with my parents. Even though I was 30, I think that subconsciously we all kinda saw our situation as the same as when I was in HS or going to CC while at home. I certainly didn’t bring girls over to my parents’ house, and, even at 30, I told my mom if I was going to be home late. I suspect Dinsdale’s wife sees their daughter the same as she saw her a year before, which is pretty much the same as the year before that, etc. I suspect that mom will lighten up after she has been moved out for a while. [/LWATMSSLOTMTH]
2nd point: There’s no need to try to convince people that their daughters are getting laid. IMHO, it’s kinda a dick move to say “no, dude, trust me: Your daughter is getting pounded on the daily”
That said, point #3: I certainly don’t talk to my mom about sex, I don’t want to talk to my dad about sex (because it’s going to be about either my mom, or someone who’s not my mom). I’m way more open with my brothers, but we don’t even talk that much about sex. I don’t want to hear about what my SILs are doing (they’re kinda like sisters at this point); I’m not particularly interested in hearing about my brothers getting laid; and I CERTAINLY don’t want to hear about my sister. I only tell my dad enough so that he doesn’t worry about me being queer.
My answers are kind of an average of me and guys that I know.
Cigarettes - 13 or 14
Alcohol - 14 or 15
Intercourse - 15 or 16
Drugs - 16 to never (for me, it was pot at ~20, never anything else. But I suspect if you are more into drugs, it’s going to be before sex)
I suspect that for girls the intercourse answer is either ~15 or ~22. Some girls put out in HS; some don’t. (I’d guess it was about half and half in my HS) I dated the girls in HS that didn’t and occasionally, on the sly, hooked up with a girl that did.* I didn’t have sex with a girlfriend until I was 20. It’s not at all inconceivable that a girl could make it to college as a virgin.
(I didn’t talk much about those, either. Have you ever known a guy that you didn’t like, but then he told you that he got laid the night before, and so then you thought he was cool? Me either. It doesn’t make sense to think that telling someone that you got laid will increase their opinion of you.)