I need you.
My hand is tired
From here
“Let’s take your car.”
Mine is full of beer cans and burger wrappers, and is completely out of gas.
“Have you lost weight?”
I’ve just spent our last $30 on a new toy we don’t need, but I had to have anyway.
“I missed you.”
I can’t find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry, and we’re out of toilet paper.
“I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are.”
No one will ever see us alive again.
“It’s a guy thing.”
There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it seem logical.
“You’re a great girl.”
I’d screw you if you gave me a quarter of a chance, but bear in mind I will always go back to my evil ho of a fiancee, who has me under a tight system of mind control so that I don’t even care if she sleeps with other guys because I know she really loves me!
Not that I am bitter.
That’s a lovely [article of clothing] you’re wearing.
That’s a lovely [body part] you’re wearing it on.
Let’s have lunch.
Let’s have dinner.
Let’s have dinner.
Let’s have dinner, drinks, dessert, shameless flirtation, and hawt munkey luvvin’ afterwards.
May I call you?
May I ball you?
When men burp, what they mean is “When can I expect my BJ?”
would I be correcting that when they fart, this means “When can I expect my sex?” ?
(my wife takes business trips)
Geez, you’re gonna be gone three days? That sucks.
Pizza! Beer! Titty movies!
What time do you get back?
When do I need to start shoveling out the debris?
- “What are you thinking about”
“Nothing.”
means
“Nothing.”
- “What’s the matter?”
“Nothing.”
means
“Nothing.”
- “I don’t wanna talk about it.”
means
“I don’t wanna talk about it.”
Ladies, the difficulty in talking to men lies in the fact that you are giving us way too much credit for introspection and subtlety. When we tell you that we’re thinking of “nothing”, that is precisely what’s going through our head at the moment you asked the question… nothing. 
I think it was Jerry Seinfeld who said,
Like JohnT said, I think you give us entirely too much credit.
Where do I fit if I’m often thinking about sports video games?
“I’m sorry, I’m just a little distracted.”
A) “Ho. Lee. Shit. Did you see that set of 38DDs that just bounced by?” or…
B) “I NEED A FUCKING CIGARETTE! If I go for a cigarette now, you’ll screech at me like a harpie, but I NEED A FUCKING CIGARETTE!”
“I’m not a tit man.”
“… exclusively.”
“Those are cute shoes.”
“Hey, I think those heels pump you up to just the right doggystyle height.”
“Nice earrings!”
“Shit, she’s on to me. Better throw her for a loop.”
“And the belt… you’re really well-accessorized today.”
“I bet they’d look fabulous on the floor together. All except the shoes. You need them to pump you up to the right height.”
“I don’t want a girl drink, but I don’t want to go all the way down the hall for one of my bottles.”
“Please make me a girl drink. I’ll pout while I’m drinking to keep up appearances and we’ll never speak of it outside this room. Just don’t tell me what it’s called. I’ll never forgive you for the time you told me I was drinking a Cowboy Cocksucker.”
I’ve been with my wife for 18 years now (10 married, 5 engaged, 3 “just dating”) and just last year she says to me:
“You know, I just realized that when you say that you are thinking of “nothing” you really are not thinking about anything. How do you do that?”
Another thing…
When you ask a man a question about his thoughts/feelings, he always adds a qualifier to your question:
… at this precise moment in time.
We could spend 3 days brooding over something, but if you ask us that question during those moments of sunshine when we’re not brooding…
“What are you moping about at this precise moment in time?”
“Nothing.”
See? Makes perfect sense!
My ex used to carp at me when I would do the ‘man thing’. You know, just sit and stare into space, communing with my thoughts or thinking about a hamburger. “How can you just sit there doing nothing?” “Why don’t you read a book?” Probably for the same reason that you can’t seem to leave me the fuck alone when I’m like this. What is it about a man doing nothing that just infuriates a woman?
My present spouse is a gem. Almost none of the bullshit that seems to be the domain of so many women. I love her to death.
See, that’s because
woman nothing=nothing I want to talk about right this minute
or maybe that’s just me.
Man Says: ** What’s for Dinner?**
Woman says: Blah Blah Blah
Man Thinks: It’s not Steak and a Blowjob again, rats.
Man Says: Want me to help put on that sunscreen on your back?
Man Thinks: **This is foreplay. **
Woman Says: Let’s just cuddle
Man thinks: It’s foreplay!
Woman and man make eye contact:
Woman Thinks: It’s meaningful conversation and he really understands me.
Man thinks: I’m gonna get some!
Woman:** I’m PMSing…sorry.**
Man think:** I knew it before you did but I’d still bang you like a chinese gong if you weren’t so bitchy right now.
Woman: ** Why do you flip through the channels so fast and never stay on anything…ever?**
Man Thinks: Because I’m looking for tits or sports.
Woman: ** And the Stooges are funny because?**
Man Thinks: You would never get it in million years.
Woman: Wouldn’t it be fun to go see a Broadway show?
Man Thinks:** I can feel my testicles retreating into my body.**
What a Woman Says: Take out the garbage, could you do one thing off the honey-do list today? blah blah blah blah blah
What a man hears: Go watch some sports…ok by me!
This game is almost over.
…Hour, hour and a half, tops.
Bayes’s Rule, baby.
Fantastic.
I’ve always hated that women=cow quote. It is beyond stupid.
Hmm… It probably means that you’re gay.
Sorry, dude. Them’s the breaks.