I know it’s Handey so calm down. 
I’d rather have a bottle in front on me than have a frontal lobotomy.
I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no pink flamingo in his yard.
If bears eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat Ivy, why do we keep naming kids Ivy?
If the government is powerful and technologically savvy enough to read my thoughts through satellites and hidden chip implants embedded in infant formula and vaccines…
…why are they so easily fooled by common tinfoil?
Mares. Not bears.
Unless you have a stuffy head.
They will cause us to feel very, very guilty.
Never sit with your back to the door. In fact, it’s best if you just stayed in a room with no doors or windows altogether.
It’s better to light a candle than curse the dark… you’ve been eaten by a grue.
If this is not the most truest thing that has ever been said then I would be wrong. Which is unpossible because I cannot be wrong or else the universe would implode and we would all be wrong which is unpossible because I am always a tomatoe.
Did you ever really see someone throw their hands in the air like they just don’t care?
Admittedly, “sleep in till one and forget to shower, like you just don’t care” makes a shit lyric.
Sitting by a river is all well and good, but sometimes you need to toss the body in yourself.
Whenever I’m using a new application and it says “Press any key to continue,” I press the Windows key, just to see if they mean it. They never do… 
I told my psychologist I was through with our sessions, because I didn’t like how she was using reverse psychology on me. But then she said, “Fine, go if you want. It’s not like it was working anyway.” So I stayed, she seemed pretty sincere.
When all the leaves are brown and the sky is gray, you can bet the farm my 4-month bout of SAD is just around the corner.
Politicians say that profanity, vulgarity & pornography do not deserve protected speech, as political discussions do.
However, by claiming the right of censorship, politicians use these forms of speech as issues, that help them get elected.
Therefore–profanity, vulgarity & pornography become political speech, because they are issues that get politicians elected.
Other than "Why is the universe here? What created the universe? What created the thing that created the universe? Why is there something rather than nothing? If God is everywhere is he in the toilet? (See: Martin Luther)
Yeah, other than that I don’t ask questions.
My mother taught me to never speak to strangers. As a consequence I’ve never met anyone in my entire life.