Canners – David Cronenberg’s horror film about the modern preserved food industry
The Princess and the Fog – Disney and John Carpenter team up for an uplifting horror film
The Big Seep - tough guy detective Philip Marlowe has to put off taking new cases while he deals with a basement drainage problem.
Oys town - In a wacky mix-up, Father Flanagan winds up with a job at an all-male yeshiva.
Mr. Holland’s Pus - a touching story of a beloved music teacher stricken with gonorrhea.
The Longest Yar - imprisoned pirates arrange a football game.
The Potman - Kevin Costner provides solace - and fattie blunts - in a post-apocalytic society.
Chintown - Remake of the Polanski-Nicholson classic, directed by Bruce Campbell and starring Jay Leno.
Tim after Tim - Timothy Dalton as HG Wells, and Timothy Hutton as Jack the Ripper. I kinda cheated on this one.
Ok, I’ll do my best to stop now…
The Dirty Doze - Lee Marvin falls asleep in the mud
The Longest Ay - Mel Tillis stars as a Canadian
The Dee Hunter - An effort to pass third period science
Saving Private Yan - the sequal to Letters from Iwo Jima
Our Man Lint – James Coburn stars as a secret agent the size of lint.
in Like Lint He infiltrates a belly button
Outlaws of Go – Two players of the oriental strategy game are barred from competition due to rough play
Roocop – In future Detroit, Omni Consumer Products tries a daring new Man-Kangaroo hybrid to stop crime.
Immoral Beloved – Beethoven’s scandalous love life
The Bob – Comedian Newhart invades a Pennsylvania town
Beware the Bob – Years later, Newhart invades a California town
The Hideous Sun Demo – A computer demonstration goes horribly wrong
Bother from Another Planet – The invaders aren’t evil, just really annoying
Night of the Living Dad – they thought he’d sleep through the visit, but Dad woke up and insisted on joining in.
Dawn of the Dad – He was still going strong the next morning
** It’s Alie!** – The Joe Wilson Story
Hell Dolly – Barbara Streisand invades New York
10 Dalmations – Disney is hit by low budgets
The Day of the Locus – science Fiction trade journal finally gets its recognition
H.U.D. – Paul Newman lives under city streets and eats people
It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Word – “Irate”
The Deadly Manti – Non-Mormon tourists have to endure the Mormon Miracle Pageant in southern Utah. And not a bar in sight!
The Bast from 20,000 Fathoms – radioactivity from a nuclear test unleashes an anciemnt Egyptian cat god on New York City!
It! The Error from Beyond Space – Science Fiction Filmmakers acknowledge a horrible mistake
Sssss – oddly enough, exactly the same film as Ssssss. Turns out the final “S” was silent.
__ – Costas-Gavras’ film about Warren Beatty and Peter Lorre stealing from Gert Frobe while the incarnation of Quetzalcoatl flies overhead and a number theorist works tirelessly on an adaptation of Shakespeare’s Othello. And some other stuff happens, too.
Mooraker - 007 springs into action to foil a lactose intolerant madman’s plan to annihilate every cow on the planet.
*Lice in Wonderland: *A little girl visits a place of strange creatures, and cannot resist the urge to scratch herself.
Inspired by the works of Jan Austen:
Ride & Prejudice - a romance set during the 1955 Montgomery Bus Boycott.
Emm - a young woman wants to play matchmaker, but can’t find the right words.
I’m so sad you beat me to this one. 
Lien: The crew of the space freighter Nostromo must deal with a rapacious creditor.
Liens: A team of space marines arrives at a distant colony world, only to find the entire planet has been repossessed.
Lien vs. Predator – Arnold, with his new gubernatorial skills, finds a new way to defeat his enemy
Destination Moo – We go to Wisconsin!
Dr. T. and the Omen – philandering dentist meets the AntiChrist. Hijinks ensue
Attack of the 5 Foot Woman – Cathy Rigby gets fed up playing Peter Pan
Fahrenheit 45 – Bibliophiles save their libraries from E-book predators using cold storage
Tor – A biography of Ed Wood’s favorite big star
Of Mice and Me – walt Disney’s autobiography
a Moo for the Misbegotten – bastards get a cow
Atman – About the Hindu concept of “soul”
Atman Returns – Reincarnation
Atman and Robin – you might be reborn as a bird
Atman Forever – The Soul is immortal
Atman Begins – A rare look at the astral beginnings of consciousness
The Dark Night – The Christian concept of Spiritual Lonliness
The English Patent: The haunting story of a badly burned man found in the desert clutching the plans for a new and improved kind of mousetrap.
Onan the Barbarian – (your joke goes here)
**A Ma for All Seasons ** – She cookls and bakes year-round
Animal Hose — Stocking for Zoos
Watchme – Here, hold my beer for a minute
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doo – the locals have been using an archaeological site as a stable for generations
Invasion of the Boy Snatchers – sex-specific kidnappers
Finding Neo – In the last Matrix sequel, Keanu Reeves is mysterious absent
The Ion Giant – The Van de Graaf Accelerator is born
Eds – Warren Beatty interviews guys named “Ed”
Pubic Enemy – Jimmy Cagney warns you about VD
The Decent – A bunch of women get together for weekend activities that are socially acceptable
Fiddler on the Roo – “You make ask, ‘Why do you stay up there if it’s so dangerous?’”
Fatliners – med students gain weight in after-hours experiments
Jurassic Par: Tragedy strikes when an eccentric billionaire uses advanced cloning and genetic engineering technology to create the world’s most challenging golf course.
Barefoot in the Ark – Noah and his Wife have to watch where they step
Riders of the Lost Ark – Jopyriders steal the Ark of the Covenant
The Great Muse Detective – Mneme (Memory) tries to figure out Who Stole Zeus’ Lightning Bolt
The Price and the Pauper – Could he afford it?
The Ion King – Michael Faraday introduces the idea of the electrically-charged atom
Beauty and the Beat – biography of Beat Generation writer Joyce Johnson
The War of the Words – The Lincoln-Douglas Debates
Gay Puree – The chefs from “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” show how to make smooth sauces
*The Moo and Sixpence: *Struggling artist cannot afford the price of milk.
*Friend: *Twenty-something Manhattan Yuppy cannot find a roommate.
*The Greatest Tory Ever Told: *Biography of Winston Churchill.
*The Greatest Story Ever Old: *Screenwriter cannot come up with an original plot.
One With the Wind- the Civil War won’t end until Scarlett O’Hara is sacrificed at Aulis, Georgia
The Ion in Winter- It is Christmas 1183 and Henry & Eleanor must convert one of their sons from a proton to an electron in order to restore their kingdom to order.
Dadwood- single dad Al Swearengen must make a home for himself and his motherless kids in a boomtown whorehouse.
Buffy the Vampire Layer- a vampire with multiple personality disorders must peel back the layer that’s a teenaged California girl.
Cat on a Hot Tin Roo- when a young joey in Hundred Acre Woods falls from his mother’s pouch into Oz during a heat wave he’s changed into a tin Roo and sat upon by a cowardly lion.
Steel Magnolia- Ouiser decides “There can be only one”.
Rome and Juliet- turns out 13 year old drama queens really aren’t that good at stabbing themselves and Juliet Capulet makes a full recovery, but will she find love again when she goes on a class field trip to the Eternal City?
Romeo and Julie- turns out the apothecary just sold Romeo a roofie and he’s fine now, except he’s obsessed with Julie Andrews.
Fiddle on the Roof- Tommy’s wicked uncle Ernie gets a job teaching boys to nail shingles.
Ok, we’re going for the Topol trifecta:
Fiddler on the… Oof - Jovial violin player slips, lands on his nuts.
White Hicks - Two black FBI agents pose as rednecks to bust an oxycontin ring.
Stat Fair - The Iowa College of Statistics hosts the most boring job fair ever.
Better off Dad - John Cusack gets his shit together, settles down and has kids.
Raveheart - William Wallace defeats the English using nothing more than his wits, some glowsticks, and lots of Ecstasy and Special K.