That’s one hell of a freudian slip smam.
::sniggers::
Wow!
A ‘vulvan’ science officer?
Sign me up!
Kn(Congratulations, ** smam ** you are the winner of this week’s Parenthetical Prize for Funniest Spoof Incorporating an Anatomical Term!!)ckers
P.S.: The award consists of five imaginary chocolate milkshakes and one imaginary lapdance from the alien crew member of your choice
Would you believe I actually noticed it, but then decided to keep it in because it made me laugh.
aren’t we all, ultimately, Vulvans?
sorry, just couldn’t resist that.
Ok so I know this may be a little off the beaten track so I apologise in advance before anybody gets angsty, its just I am still in the mood for distilling the pure essence of tv shows, and I think I have just cracked Columbo, and when you think about it, Columbo is actually a lot like star trek… being as how they are both aired on television and all.
…COLUMBO
Script formula for the Columbo (can be used again and again)
The players -
Ok picture the scene, lieutenant columbo and an upper crust murderous aristocrat(lets call him Shepley) are on deck (of Shepley`s yacht).
Columbo is walking around on deck rubbing his forehead, he has an enormous hangover and is throwing bread to some seagulls, sometimes his aim is not so good and the manky bread lands on Shepley`s favourite new piece of expensive deck furniture.
Shepley is following Columbo around making a big show of collecting the bread litter.
And ACTION -
Shepley - “Look Lt. we went over all this yesterday I told you everything I know why do you need to speak to me again? you dont possibly think I could be the killer of my own incredibly rich aunt”
Columbo - “Sir I know your a busy man, but there are a couple of things that I need to get straight in my head, its nothing important, actually it could have waited till Monday but when I called your seceretary and found out you were down at the marina, well, I dont often get to be on a boat as swanky as this, how much did it cost by the way? How many miles do you get for a gallon?”
Shepley - “She”
Columbo - “Whats that sir?”
Shepley - “She Lt. ‘she’, we dont refer to a vessel as ‘it’, the proper term is ‘she’, and its not a boat its a yacht and her speed is measured in knots not mph, really I dont mind helping with your enquiries but I have got a golf match at four can you ask me these questions so I can go about my day”
Columbo - “Knots eh? who woulda guessed that? Look at them seagulls sir, not a care in the world, do you ever think humans will be able to fly unaided? Do you have any aspirin on you sir?”
Shepley - " Really Lt. I am a busy man and I am tiring of your lazy eyed meanderings, and what is that smell, did you stand in something before you boarded my yacht Columbo?"
Columbo - “I dont think so sir, oh wait maybe I did step in a 4-week old pastrami on rye that I lost under my car seat, they get really squishy you know, after about two weeks, could I trouble you for a glass of milk?”
Shepley - " Look here you seedy little sht, my tie costs more than every piece of clothing you own, and yes, so I killed aunt Mabel for her money, the btch was asking for it, if i had waited till she popped off of natural causes I would have been too old to enjoy the money properly "
Columbo - “Or water sir, it doesn`t have to be milk, you see my throat is really dry, I think I may have some of that scurvy thats been going around”
Shepley - " Piss of you little oik, I am going for my game of golf, if you had any evidence to convict me you would have arrested me by now, I want you off my yacht by the time I get back"
Columbo - “I wouldn`t do that if I was you sir, you see, aunt Mabel was a bit off an amateur movie maker, and it turns out her little movie camera was on at the time you bludgeoned her to death, we have the whole thing on tape, we found it yesterday”
Shepley - “Oh sh*t, damn you mabel you slag, its a fair cop etc. But if you knew yesterday then why the need for this charade today?”
Columbo - "Like I said sir, its not every day a humble lieutenant like me gets to come on a real swanky canoe like this, do you mind if I take some of these sandwhiches down to the station with me? They really are delicious.
Shepley - " C*nt "
THE END!
Why not make a series about a klingon ship or a romulan ship. It would be nice to consider the federation as the “bad guys”
Have a vessel/Starbase/etc. with an Ambassador/Liason Officer from a recent Federation Enemy, say a Romulan, Cardassian, Vorta, or Jem’Hadar. The “enemy race” is in a current state of diplomatic probation in regards to UFP relations. The general state of distrust would be an interesting interpersonal dymanic.
Also, the General Distrust between the central government and the colonists at the perhiphery of the UFP pretty much ends the classic trek idea of “one big happy Federation” where harmony exists everywhere within the UFP…the Colonists fear of being Relocated or abandoned, and the Government’s fear of a populace not accepting their pronouncements immediately and without question.
In an upcomming series, I se three possible directions:
-
The UFP is recovering after the Dominion War (along with everybody else) and enters a period of withdrawl and isolatin, basically taking care of its own back yard for now.
-
the birth of a “Dark Federation”, ala Babylon 5 under President Clark.
-
An explosion of growth, exploration, and military strength due to Voyager’s introduction of new technology from the Delta Quadrant/Future, namly Super-Duper Torpedoes, Batmobile Armor, and Transwarp/Quantum Slipstream Drive.
Welshieeeeee!!!
Actually Rom, and then later Nog, were pretty good at building and repairing things aboard DS9.
Didn’t we see a situation similar to this with the Maquis along the Federation/Cardassian DMZ?
Just thought I’d interrupt here and add that I think General Distrust would be an excellent screenname.
Kn(I’m also pushing for General Anesthesia, but that’s another story)ckers
I don’t know about humanoid crewmembers, but we’ve got to have a dog. I’ll settle for one of those Klingon doggie things or a robotic dog if need be, but there’s got to be a dog.
And since Legomancer established a template…
Name: Bindlestiff (or Bg’zix, if it’s one of the Klingon things)
Gender: Formerly male
Race: Canis lupis familiaris, half St. Bernard, half boxer, half Jack Russel
Occupation: Security and Hazard Alarm Officer, Chief Morale Officer, and Waste Disposal Officer
Musical Instrument played: Vocals (especially when near a planet with large sattelites), silent-but-deadly farts
Is in love with (Seasons 1-3): Tiny’s leg
Is in love with (Seasons 4-7): The armrest of the Captain’s command chair
Name: Lt. SDhSH"sdH"sd’sfghsDGH’sdhsdHs’dghSDF"hh’sd ‘ghds’ghsd gsd’ sdFGsdf" sf’sdf “gsg ‘sdfg"sdf df’ds’G sdf’fg SDFg’ sdfG”
Race: Brain in a jar. Has one mechanical hand and one mechanical foot (hops around). Speaks via telepathy. No one knows how he sees.
Gender: Male persona
Occupation: Stellar Cartography
Musical instrument played: Brain harp
In love with: No one loves the brain. Brain eventually goes insane in season six, and transfers self into body of a ostrich. Killed in season finale seconds after turning good again by the Bad Dude. Information he gives allows Captain to win cool starship duel that follows.
(I’m departing from the norm and creating a race loosely based off of a throw away concept from TNG)
Name: Lt. Commander El’Farra’Far Alpha and Beta
Position: Chief of Security/Tactical Officer
Sex: Homophrodite
Race: Binary Angel
Instrument: Circular Keyboards
In Love With: Everyone’s slightly curious sexually about them, but due to their unique equipment and situation. they find the notion of sex outside their race at the least slightly icky.
Members of a race always born as twins (one per set of parents) Alphga and Beta have perfect telepathy, but only with one another. In that way, they are effectively the same single conciousness spread over two bodies. Their strange, graceful looks and manners make them seem delicate, but they conceal a frieghtenly efficent and effective officer. Imagine being whuppe don by two trained and perfectly coordinated martial artsists at once. They stand aloof and have trouble making friends with the other crewmembers, who they look at like we would consider paraplegics.
Name: Lieutnient Albert Einstein Potter
Position: Science Officer
Gender: Male
Race: Human (Possibly enhanced)
Instrument: All of them
In Love With (1-3): Makes Crude remarks about practically everyone (especially Alpha and Beta and the Captain), but is later revealed to have been widowed, and rather embittered.
In Love With (4-6): An extradimensional being he has occassional contact with.
Potter is eerily brilliant. He knows practically everything. How this is so is hotly debated. is he genetically enhanced? Some kind of cyborg? Not human at all? If Albert knows, he’s not saying. Despite his many talents, Albert is unmotivated, lazy, and generally apathetic towards starfleet ideology and politics. He’s therefore one of the eldest crewmembers (by human reckoning, at least), but one of the most junior additions to the bridge crew. He’s an embittered nihilist who casually trumps his superior intellect and rolls his eyes at the Federation’s high-mindedness.
Name: Todd Reynard
Gender: Male
Species: Human/Red Fox Hybrid
Height: 5’8"
Weight: 145 lbs.
Age: 16
Est. Lifespan: 40-45 Standard Years
Rank: Ensign
History:
Todd is a genetically engineered life form: An Anthropomorphic version of the Terran species known as the common red fox. His breed (amongst others) was created on the Independent world known as Gelfworld for the purpose of slavery.
Domestic and industrial labor, sex trade, gladiators, and quarry for hunting.
Controlled by the Orion Syndicate, Gelfworld was liberated during a slave revolt and applied for Federation protection, 70 years ago.
He is generally a loner, as there are no other “Furs” serving in Starfleet. Psychologically, he is torn between the hatred he feels toward Humanity for creating entire races for the sole purpose of oppression, and that of the Ideals ther Federation and Starfleet espouse.
He also regrets his severely curtailed lifespan, as his lifespan is the mathematical average of that of human and fox lifespans.
Assigned as a sensor systems engineer, his genetic disposition as a species which is both predator and prey gives key insight in keeping the ship’s awareness to the universe at peak efficiency.
I’m pretty much in favor of any character that can be played by Daisy Fuentes wearing very little clothing.
What? What’d I say? Did I say something wrong?
Does he smell like the ones at the zoo?
I thought you meant Redd Foxx, he could forever be clutching at his chests (yes, plural. He’s one of those rare two bodied types) and screaming, “It’s the Big One!”
The Big One could be a sandworm from the planet Dune which takes up 99.4% of the starship. His hobby would be coin collecting, and He/She/It is in love with Tiny who sends The Big One into the heart of a supernova “just to see what would happen.” Much comedy in THAT episode.
One crew member could be the result of a transporter accident (yeah, I know, I know) melding a vulcan with a ferret. Her name would be Squeekers (nicknamed T’Kn*ckers) and she would would be communications officer. She has an odd habit of SCREAMING every communication coming over subspace. Normal volume for everything else. Whenever it’s pointed out to her, she doesn’t seem to follow… She would be large breasted (as fits with MY idea of the future, and her nickname come to think of it) and have a Charro type spanish accent. Also has coin collecting hobby and keeps alive the memory of The Big One by bumming “spare change” off of each new alien species met.
Okay, so that was stupid.
Name: “Robot”
Gender: Inapplicable, but speaks with a male voice.
Race: Artificial Intelligence
Occupation: Janitor/Custodian
Musical Instrument played: none, but can push a button on it’s torso to play any required background music while it sings.
In Love With (Seaons 1-3): The main messhall replicator.
In Love With (Seasons 4-7): The female captain or first officer, following a botched reprogramming.
Robot is a failed pre-Data attempt to create a mobile AI based on Duotronic circuitry. Because it was granted citizenship by an android civilization, the Federation is bound by treaty to extend the same rights to it as any other sentient. Though it is officially unrated as a crewman, it somehow is permitted to attend the senior officers’ briefings on matters of vital importance, where it cracks jokes and offers snide comments about the other characters. Despite the fact that no one on board has any reason to like this mechanical psychotic, they will continue to tolerate it’s abuse and even work to save it on the obligatory “robot will die unless vital spare part is procured” episode.
oh yeah, Sqeekers could be played by a topless Daisy Fuentes