Did you know people that despite not seeming like much of a "catch" easily found sex partners?

[Pantastic]

@P-man

I can see what Pantastic said being true for many, or even most, people. There are people for whom getting laid, or dating for that matter, is both difficult and rare. If you can’t fake confidence, for instance, you may be out of luck. I’m naturally shy, and a few bad experiences as a teenager obliterated what confidence I had.

If you have a severe anxiety disorder or something along those lines that renders you unable to hold simple conversations with people (or subsets of people), I would say that what is difficult is overcoming whatever the disorder is that makes basic conversation difficult, which is distinct from just getting laid. If you got rejected a handful of times and decided that talking to people is too much bother, then it’s not that the task is hard, it’s just that the task is more work than you want to put into it. If you don’t have time or don’t want to put time into it, then it’s not that the task is hard, it’s that you don’t want to spend time on it. If you’re only looking for sex inside of a successful long term relationship, the difficulty is not in getting laid itself but in establishing and maintaining a long-term relationship.

Lots of people who are really stupid, ugly, or both manage to get laid all the time. People who are awkward and don’t project confidence also manage to get laid. It’s just not some monumental task that you need to be a ‘catch’ by ranking high on a particular dating scale to succeed at.

[Pantastic]

@Kimstu

Especially if your definition of “sex partner” includes basic requirements like “probably won’t physically endanger his partner” and “probably won’t spite-fuck his partner because he wants the sex but feels resentful and humiliated that his partner isn’t prettier, so soothes his insecurities by making fun of her afterwards”.

There’s also the basic definition of getting laid; I’m just using ‘has a sexual encounter with someone’ here, but if you add ‘has an orgasm during said sexual encounter’ then it drops a lot - only 65% of heterosexual women say they typically have an orgasm during a sexual encounter (vs 95% of heterosexual men). Also there are plenty of guys who will claim they want to bang when on a website, but won’t actually show up - I know a woman who was advertising for NSA sex for a while, and had something like 95% of dudes who said they were interested not actually show up when it came time for meeting in real life. (She later learned to filter better).

[ZipperJJ]

There was a kid who was in band with me in high school. Tall and gangly, pizza face, big glasses and big teeth, pale. He was like Beavis with glasses. He was not nice and not charming.

Nevertheless, he was known as the guy who had all the sex. Possibly he got this notoriety for knocking up one of my friends our freshman year. But several other girls slept with him, and he was always in situations where chaperones had to pull him and his lady du jour apart due to inappropriate behavior.

This guy had a lot of what you guys have already pointed out. One big thing was what what msmith537 brought up - he didn’t have any friends that I can remember, so he didn’t have any dudes to distract him with dude stuff. He also seemed to have no shame, so he was out there hitting on anything with two boobs, rejection be damned. He also was not picky about who he slept with - my friend who he got pregnant is a very attractive person but she would have been considered “chubby.” Another friend who he actually dated for a while was even chubbier. He wasn’t necessarily a “chubby chaser,” he just wasn’t setting his sights on cheerleaders.

And the kid had confidence. Not sure if it came from getting laid, or the other way around. But he was totally annoying and full of himself.

[thorny_locust]

@Chefguy

My best friend from my military days was like that. He was very ordinary-looking. Not tall, not ruggedly handsome, thinning hair. Kind of a sleepy look on his face, although he had an engaging smile and a good sense of humor. But everywhere we went together, women stared at him with a look that said “Yeah, I’d fuck that”, and he was never wanting for sexual partners. It was baffling to me.

Given that he had an engaging smile and a good sense of humor, it’s not baffling to me at all.

@EmilyG

Not everyone finds the same physical features/clothing style/personality traits attractive.

Quoted for truth.

@Kimstu

This is a myth, although a lot of men believe it. I’d say it’s true that most women can find sex partners more easily than most men can, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s “easy”.

Especially if your definition of “sex partner” includes basic requirements like “probably won’t physically endanger his partner” and “probably won’t spite-fuck his partner because he wants the sex but feels resentful and humiliated that his partner isn’t prettier, so soothes his insecurities by making fun of her afterwards”.

Also quoted for truth.

Get laid with somebody, anybody at all, no matter how they’ll treat you or what they smell like? Sure, that’s pretty easy. Likely not to get you off, which even aside from the chances of actual danger makes it not seem worth the trouble; but possible. Get laid with somebody you actually want to get laid with? That’s not necessarily easy at all.

[Kimstu]

@thorny_locust

Get laid with somebody you actually want to get laid with? That’s not necessarily easy at all.

Yeah. A lot of men discussing the quest to get laid seem to apply an unconscious gender double standard on this issue. According to them, “being able to get laid” for women just means being able to find some sex partner on some terms, however unappealing or unsafe. But “being able to get laid” for men, especially themselves, means being able to find a sex partner they’re attracted to and can reasonably anticipate having an enjoyable sexual experience with.

With this double standard, obviously it’s superficially much easier for women to “get laid” than it is for men. But the type of sexual experience that most women can easily get even if they’re not very attractive is what most men wouldn’t consider acceptable or worthwhile for themselves.

(In fact, even being very attractive doesn’t do much to guarantee a woman a worthwhile sexual experience with a new sex partner. Sure, she’ll have a greater choice of partners pursuing her more aggressively than the not-very-attractive woman does, but there’s still no way of telling whether the one she picks will give a rat’s ass about her enjoyment.)

[Chefguy]

@thorny_locust

Given that he had an engaging smile and a good sense of humor, it’s not baffling to me at all.

I’m not talking about after someone got to know him. We would be walking through a store or down the street and women would just stare at him with unmistakable lust.

[Kimstu]

@Chefguy

I’m not talking about after someone got to know him. We would be walking through a store or down the street and women would just stare at him with unmistakable lust.

Some not-handsome guys just do give off a “sexiness” vibe that way. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to it, and it apparently can’t be learned or taught.

(Not saying that guys without the “It” can’t also come across as sexy in different ways, but the “It” is a unique phenomenon.)

[kopek]

Other than me? A few. Mostly “bad boys” like me with motorcycles and a sense of humor. What were you women thinking?

[msmith537]

My wife’s cousin. I don’t know his sexual history, but his current wife is way hotter than him. He looks like Homer Simpson with some sort of DNA problem. They met when she interviewed him for a job with her company and REJECTED him! Like she didn’t think he was a worthy enough provider to even work with her, and yet somehow they ended up married.

His dad looks just like him and somehow he was cheating on his mom years ago (since divorced) and is now dating a woman who must be 15 -20 years his junior!

I mean they are nice enough guys, but not particularly charming.

[actualliberalnotoneofthose]

@Pantastic

There are a lot of weird myths about sex and dating that people believe in spite of the evidence or the fact that they just don’t make sense, and the SDMB seems to have a lot of people who stick to those myths, which is kind of surprising to me. The idea that you need to be some kind of super-attractive 9/10 person to have sex is common, even though the 1-10 scale thing is a bit silly, and the concept doesn’t hold up to even brief thought.

Look, when I was 18-25 I was a 7.5-8/10 and had women throwing themselves at me. I went on some medication that made me gain a little weight, especially in the face, and various other rough life things brought down my looks a little. I’ve probably bounced around 5.5 -7 territory in the ensuing 15 years and I’ve received zero attention from women. There could be numerous things to account for this, such as increased depression and anxiety and my generally boring lifestyle, but it helps me cope with life much better to blame all of this on my looks and not do the painful work needed to address other problems and correct the issue. So I’m probably going to spend the rest of my life not getting any and amuse people with the stories of how someone like me once had the attention of hot babes in the olden days while the youth shout me down with “OK, Boomer.”

[Grim_Render]

I’ve also been sort of on the edge of what women consider attractive for much of my life. Let myself go only a little, I was invisible. Lose a little bit of weight and go to the gym a little bit, the difference in attention was striking.

But in my life I’ve known five people who had huge success rates with women. All of them for different reasons.

A) Had the conventionally attractive things going for him. All of them, and a lot. Tall medical student who spent a lot of time in the gym. Rich family, but they insisted he work for his spending money. Spent his first year of med school as a bouncer, said screw that and made massive amounts as a model. Has since gotten very rich. No one batted an eye at his success with women.

B) Certainly did not have any of those advantages. Easily describable as a friendly orangutan with a mild concussion. Scruffy but easy talker, paid a lot of attention to the person he was talking with, witty and did not palce much importance on sex.

C) Tried hard. Average looks, good talker, went out three nights a week and mostly came home alone, but came home with someone frequently enough that the total numbers racked up. Seems to have mostly gone for top lookers though.

D) Lives very close to the surface of his mind. Absolute honest, passionate about whatever he is doing, totally confident, full of energy. Above average looks, get into fights. The attraction he has on women is somewhat legendary. Women say the charisma is coming off him in waves.

And then there is E. E is abit like finding a place where gravity works in reverse. I cannot explain E. No man can. A woman once said “hes got game” but refused to say any more.

E is grossly fat, of intermittent hygiene, talks loudly and never lets anyone else get a word in edgewise. His subjects are Doctor Who and Marvel Comics with some brief forays into closely related matters. This draws in the best looking women. He never goes for anything but the top. And pulls like clockwork. Has for 30 years, even during the dark decades when being into comics and doctor who was socially disapproved of.

I did not believe it when I heard it. I have seen it, and I am still not sure if I believe it. E is some kind of supernatural phenomenon, not bound by the social laws of lesser mortals.

[thorny_locust]

@Kimstu

Some not-handsome guys just do give off a “sexiness” vibe that way. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to it, and it apparently can’t be learned or taught.

(Not saying that guys without the “It” can’t also come across as sexy in different ways, but the “It” is a unique phenomenon.)

Something about the way they move, I think.

But two things: one, not every woman sees that “it” in the same people. And two, the immediate reaction may or may not turn into a willingness to bed somebody. I’ve had it turn off for me like a switch, when the guy said something really obnoxious.

@actualliberalnotoneofthose

Look, when I was 18-25 I was a 7.5-8/10 and had women throwing themselves at me. I went on some medication that made me gain a little weight, especially in the face, and various other rough life things brought down my looks a little. I’ve probably bounced around 5.5 -7 territory in the ensuing 15 years and I’ve received zero attention from women. There could be numerous things to account for this, such as increased depression and anxiety and my generally boring lifestyle, but it helps me cope with life much better to blame all of this on my looks and not do the painful work needed to address other problems and correct the issue. So I’m probably going to spend the rest of my life not getting any and amuse people with the stories of how someone like me once had the attention of hot babes in the olden days while the youth shout me down with “OK, Boomer.”

In addition to the other possible reasons you recognize: my recollection, at least, of being 18 - 25 is that there were a whole lot of people in that age range who were actively looking for partners, temporary or long-term. And my recollection of being 15 years older is that very few people I knew were actively looking; most of them were settled into at least moderately stable relationships.

People in their 30’s and over do find partners, of course; as well as break up with their previous ones. But it’s a different social pattern at that age.

[UltraVires]

I think the “not being afraid to be rejected” thing is key. Most people are terribly afraid of being rejected and even if they overcome that by approaching an attractive member of the opposite sex, they are then not themselves, nervous, seem desperate, etc.

It is similar to the old yarn about how when you are single you can’t seem to buy a date, but once you are married you are presented with many opportunities. To the extent that is true it is because when you are married yet talking to an attractive lady for other reasons, you are not nervous, desperate, etc. You are just being yourself and treating her like a human being, and if you are generally a good person, women find that attractive.

[Melbourne]

@Kimstu

Yeah. A lot of men discussing the quest to get laid seem to apply an unconscious gender double standard on this issue. According to them, “being able to get laid” for women just means being able to find some sex partner on some terms, however unappealing or unsafe. But “being able to get laid” for men, especially themselves, means being able to find a sex partner they’re attracted to and can reasonably anticipate having an enjoyable sexual experience with.

With this double standard, obviously it’s superficially much easier for women to “get laid” than it is for men. But the type of sexual experience that most women can easily get even if they’re not very attractive is what most men wouldn’t consider acceptable or worthwhile for themselves.

Any women can get laid just by going down scale far enough - to dangerous, dirty, and broke. That wasn’t true for many of the guys I knew in my teens and twenties and thirties.

They didn’t have any false ideas about finding someone they were ‘attracted’ to. In their teens, they would have fucked a pile of stones if no-one was looking. They were , even in their twenties and thirties, available to anyone, even to women who were clearly expressing no interest at all.

We can discuss the reasons why they weren’t getting any action, but it wasn’t because they had a minimum standard that wasn’t being met.

[P-man]

@UltraVires

I think the “not being afraid to be rejected” thing is key. Most people are terribly afraid of being rejected and even if they overcome that by approaching an attractive member of the opposite sex, they are then not themselves, nervous, seem desperate, etc.

It is similar to the old yarn about how when you are single you can’t seem to buy a date, but once you are married you are presented with many opportunities. To the extent that is true it is because when you are married yet talking to an attractive lady for other reasons, you are not nervous, desperate, etc. You are just being yourself and treating her like a human being, and if you are generally a good person, women find that attractive.

I had a crippling fear of rejection, which I’m sure was apparent to many women. I can’t remember being presented with any opportunities since I got married, unless you count a hooker who propositioned me on Atlantic Avenue in Brooklyn. Ms. P has claimed to see women giving me that “look”, but I, like Sgt. Schultz, saw nothing.

[UltraVires]

@Melbourne

Any women can get laid just by going down scale far enough - to dangerous, dirty, and broke. That wasn’t true for many of the guys I knew in my teens and twenties and thirties.

They didn’t have any false ideas about finding someone they were ‘attracted’ to. In their teens, they would have fucked a pile of stones if no-one was looking. They were , even in their twenties and thirties, available to anyone, even to women who were clearly expressing no interest at all.

We can discuss the reasons why they weren’t getting any action, but it wasn’t because they had a minimum standard that wasn’t being met.

I very much agree with this. The double standard that is brought up in many of these threads is not “unconscious” in many parts of this country; it is very conscious. For right or wrong, men are able to be promiscuous whereas women are (while no longer expected to be virgins until their wedding night) are still socially expected to show some standards of decency lest they be shunned even by other women.

These reasons are certainly a good topic of discussion for a different thread, but in these types of threads, I think it is silly to pretend that there is simply no difference in men getting laid versus women. As you said, it is definitely not because men have a certain high demands when out on the town.

[Pardel-Lux]

Originally Posted by manson1972 View Post
Because most women can easily find sex partners regardless of what they look like.

@Kimstu

This is a myth, although a lot of men believe it. I’d say it’s true that most women can find sex partners more easily than most men can, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s “easy”.

One thing seems certain to me: leaving apart homosexual relations, which may intersect ocasionally with but are not relevant to the object of this study, every time a woman has sex with a man, a man has sex with a woman, both at the same time and in the same place. Men and women have exactly the same amount of sex overall. The only thing that can vary is the distribution among men and among women. My guess is that in both men and women the distribution curve if expressed as a function of the cummulative number of partners with respect to time follows a normal distribution. YMMV.

[Akaj]

My wife and I are completely open about whom we’re attracted to. After almost 30 years together, I know her “type” pretty well, but she also professes to finding other guys outside that type attractive and I’ve yet to find any rhyme or reason to it. When I ask her, she’ll say, “I dunno … just, yeah!”

And, no, I’m not really her type, either. Go figure.

[jz78817]

@River_Hippie

I was looking through Pete Davidson YT videos because of this thread in CS and it reminded me of people I’ve known that didn’t seem to have a lot going on but never lacked for sexual companionship. At the top of the list in my experience was a co-worker of a friend. My friend was always telling me about this guy he worked with that was a “pussy magnet”. One night my friend and I were heading out for a night of clubbing and after I picked up my friend he tells me Mr. PM wants to join us and so we swing by his place, living in his sister’s basement or something like that, to pick him up. We pull in the driveway, he hops in the back seat, didn’t get much of a look at him. We get to the bar, I’m finally talking to him and looking at him. Above average looks but not by a lot. Greasy hair (in the 80s, when clean fluffy hair was in) longish grimy fingernails, not really fashionable clothes, clearly not a rocket surgeon. My friend was all excited that this guy had such a gift with the ladies that we might do well by association. So we’re there maybe 20 minutes and Mr. PM comes over to the table, points at a pretty girl about 20 feet away and says “I just met this girl and we’re going to her house, I won’t need a ride home.”

Not the only person I’ve known that suffered from this curse.

What’s the explanation? Pheromones? Confidence?

also consider “embellishment.” guys have been known to make stuff up here and there. your story doesn’t say whether anything actually happened other than he told you he “didn’t need a ride home.”

[thorny_locust]

@Melbourne

Any women can get laid just by going down scale far enough - to dangerous, dirty, and broke. That wasn’t true for many of the guys I knew in my teens and twenties and thirties.

They didn’t have any false ideas about finding someone they were ‘attracted’ to. In their teens, they would have fucked a pile of stones if no-one was looking. They were , even in their twenties and thirties, available to anyone, even to women who were clearly expressing no interest at all.

We can discuss the reasons why they weren’t getting any action, but it wasn’t because they had a minimum standard that wasn’t being met.

I expect they’d have expected to get off with that pile of stones, though. (Which is probably why they didn’t literally fuck a pile of stones; that sounds painful.)

That may be a genuine difference; not sure. But women who think they’ll get off with dangerous, dirty, and broke do sometimes lay such people. And broke wasn’t much of a hindrance when I was in my late teens and early twenties. We were pretty much all broke. (Sometimes we were living places with no running water, and we were all also dirty. Not IME a barrier either.)

What you’re saying amounts to ‘any woman can have some kind of sexual contact, as long as she’s willing to have a highly unpleasant experience.’ Whereas the men you’re describing were expecting to enjoy themselves.

And I’m not sure why you’re saying they were available ‘even to women who were clearly expressing no interest at all.’ That phrasing to me implies that there were women expressing some interest, but they weren’t interested in those women. I have definitely run into men who were only interested in unavailable women; any active interest seemed to turn them right off.