I’m in a foul mood. No, the term foul is too banal to even begin to convey the loathing and contempt that I feel. What has engendered this fit of pique? Why is it that nefarious and sanguinary deeds, born from a shockingly malevolent creativity I did not know I possessed, now wreak havoc within my mind? How is it that pure rage and sheer anguish nearly cripple my grasp on sanity?
You are a pathetic excuse for human being. For a lack of anything unique, for the fact that you having nothing in which to take pride, because you are completely insignificant, you prance about desperately hoping to emit an air of grandeur. You are not even remotely magnificent in the slightest way, you manipulative, pompous, conceited sciolist. Your wretched existence is a compilation of ulterior motives. Your villainy knows no remorse for your licentious acts. You speak of glamorous aims, you orate about virtuous being and yet you are the antithesis to the fruition of such ideals. I detest you.
You have single-handedly managed to nullify any redeeming qualities in humanity. You are the epitome of that which I abhor. You disgust me. Hope is now empty. I don’t even want to dream anymore. I cannot proceed through life untainted by your acquaintance, unmolested by your very existence. Yet I am the guilty party. With eyes wide I played your games for the glimmer of something beautiful inside you. But I will not make that mistake again. While I am reduced to this quivering mass of sobs and screams, perhaps I should rend my ribcage asunder and hand you my beating heart. I have no need for it anymore.
Well, this line right here means he’s not talking about me.
Although this bit:
Reminds me a lot of my ex-finace. It’s an eerily accurate description. So what happened, Nen, seriously? Not that you have to tell or anything, but would it help to talk about it in more concrete terms?
Even with this line in there:** “While I am reduced to this quivering mass of sobs and screams, perhaps I should rend my ribcage asunder and hand you my beating heart. I have no need for it anymore.”**
I know I can act very cocky and arrogant at times (see my first line in my above post), but I really doubt I would have this kind of profound impact on anyone here, which is why I’m fairly confident it isn’t me.
Nen sounds as if he’s describing something very personal. I mentioned eariler, my first thoughts on reading it was it sounds like a description of my ex. Of course, only Nen can clarify what happened to bring this on at his discretion, but it seems to me that he’s venting some pain of a very personal kind.
We haven’t interacted much, Nen, but if you do want to talk, my email addy is available on my posts.
“OM TAT SAT OM” refers to OM as the life force that is most essential to our existence. (OM is something like the first or most basic sound = “primordial”.) Creator breathes life force into us and as we see others, we recognize that communality (if we are aware of the source of this force) and thus we recognise the divinity in others as it is in us. This is key to replacing low or high self-esteem with equality and allows us to treat each other with love and trust.
Or something like that.
(Note: This brachy definition is brought to you before the full compliment of caffeine has been consumed. YYMV and probably will.)
For all you who are concerned that my little venting session was directed towards you, chances are it wasn’t. I had had a bad day and felt a bit caustic, as you might have guessed. The focus of my vitriol was a bit of an amalgam of people.
Crunchy Frog, while I greatly appreciate the offer to take the brunt of my ire, I found that the simple act of posting was quite cathartic.
Rasa, om tat sat indeed.
And my dear Nymysys, you are lucky that I wasn’t still in that foul mood, because making me laugh so heartily in such a state would have definitely incurred my wrath. Off to the ninth ring with you, wench! Okay, I’m still chuckling at that one.
