Why would you have to learn that? You’re obsessing on this. It might come up sometime in a discussion with someone you are having a serious relationship with, or it might not. But it’s unlikely to be an issue either way. Give it a rest and move on with your life.
It seems to me that if you are limiting yourself to women who share your conservative religious/cultural background, your past may be an issue for you, especially as you are an honest, upfront guy who wants to do what you see as the right thing, telling your partner about your past. If you consider a relationship with women who are not from your background it seems like it may or may not be an issue, depending on the individual woman.
It would probably be more of an issue for the woman you’d gravitate toward than the average woman on the SDMB because I’m guessing that even if you tried dating a “Western” woman you’d probably lean towards a more conservative one who would be considered old-fashioned by her peers. In other words, the farther you are comfortable casting your net, the less problematic being upfront about your past is likely to be.
Although I don’t personally have a strong opinion one way or the other about your past, and your ideas seem quite foreign to my way of thinking, I admire your desire to be honest and build a relationship on a solid foundation of trust.
Maybe there are things you could do to balance out the scale so that you feel you can approach a woman with one point against you and three points in your favor?
I’m editing the thread title to reflect what this is about.
I have always leaned towards females from other backgrounds to mine but I think I approach them with my own background to a great extent.
My problem is that now I dont know who or what kind of person would want to accept my past. I dont want to go on and scare people to hell because of this and to be honest there is no way to learn about them unless you try.
The fact that I could scare people so much is making me feel bad abotu myself.
You need to speak to a therapist.
People have given you advice of different kinds and from what I can tell, you’ve been saying why those things won’t work, or just going back to how terrible you feel and how there’s no way you could do what they suggest, and how all women will reject you for the rest of your life because of what you’ve done. Mulling over this in your head is only making you feel worse.
Therapy does not mean that you’re “crazy.” What it means is that obviously you need help dealing with this situation, and you need one trained and dedicated professional to help you work through these issues and get past this.
yes. i am trying. ok thanks.
You’re getting a lot of advice here from people who don’t quite get what you’re going through because we have such different cultural/religious mindsets. You are welcome here in our world where we allow for mistakes and understand regret (but think you’re waaaaay overdoing it). We forgive you and think you should be able to forgive yourself.
The fact that you’re rejecting all of our acceptance leads me to conclude that you don’t want it, don’t trust it, or hold yourself to a different standard.
If you don’t want what we have to offer, what are you looking for?
If you want to be judged, tell a compatriot.
If you want to be punished, tell your mom.
If you want to repent, ask a religious leader how to do it.
If you want to wallow, carry on, brother.
Ultimately, you’re looking for love, right? In your current state of mind, you’re going to FREAK. WOMEN. OUT.
It won’t be because of what you’ve done, but because of how you’re responding to it.
I agree that, no matter what other approach you take, you should seek professional help for your anxiety and self esteem troubles. Those things don’t tend to go away untreated.
I do need professional help.
It is true , I am responding to it in a way which is related to my upbringing.
I wanted punishment by telling the girl I was with, she was so much in love
that she couldnt even ask me to leave, I had to leave… So didnt get there.
So I should seek the professional help as you saying.
I would run, like my hair was on fire, from any man who felt the need to share this with me. Not because of his having done so. Because he feels it’s appropriate to share it with me. Huge red flag!
At least someone knows what I am talking about !
Well I fear hiding it would make it even more scary - lets say there is
someone who knows and reveals it by mistake, apart from the embarrassment it would change things. May be too much to think but I think and I cant help it…
No, not really. Did you understand what she wrote? She wouldn’t run from you because you had sex with a prostitute. She would run from you because of how you’re acting right now. Because you won’t accept help, because you are talking about sharing parts of your past history which many women - especially conservative women - think you shouldn’t tell anyone about, and because you’re refusing to help yourself heal from what are only self-inflicted injuries.
“Different question”? No, it’s not. It’s the same question, and you’re going to get the same responses you stopped responding to in the last thread. This isn’t about the prostitute. It’s not about your girlfriend that broke up with you. It isn’t about the potential girlfriends you won’t even try to date now. This is all about you. You, you, you. You’re the one here with the hysterical over-reaction to what you did, not your girlfriends or possible future girlfriends. Just you. So you need to fix you. And it absolutely can be done - thousands of people do much worse things than you did and they can get mentally healthy about it again. So can you. But you’ve got to stop wallowing in self-pity and go fix your thinking.
Priest or therapist, like I said in the last thread. Your choice, but go DO it and stop whining!
uzerid, are you seeking a long term relationship with someone from the same arabic culture you are from? That was raised with the same rigid sexual standards that you were? If so, I will repeat the same advice I gave you in the other thread. You need to seek the advice of a therapist or counselor (maybe religious) from your culture.
If not, then are you open to meeting a nice Welsh girl that may have been in several relationships in the past, even had a few one-night stands. Don’t be so hard on yourself.