Dish it, sister

[tiny_ham]

OK, here’s the thing. I’ve got a secret in the vault…a great story that I can’t tell anyone I know, but it’s just so great and I feel so good about it.

I think we should all share our vicious, Cosmopolitan magazine type secrets here, just to get them off of our chests.

Of course, don’t use names, and don’t tell secrets about other Dopers. This is like anonymous confession.

So anyway.

This chick, a real player, who uses people and lies and is just a general idiot, casually began telling me about this hot hot affair she was having a with a super fantastically hot guy that she knows I know (not personally, but I know OF him from a distance). She told me all the details, knowing that I’m so f-ing jealous of her and her wild single lifestyle, and talked about how he calls her all the time, and swears his love to her and how they’re probably going to get married and he’s going to whisk her away to a life of bliss and please don’t be jealous, I’m sure you’re very happy, too and blah blah blah.

I’m not buying it. So I threw a call in to my other friend who REALLY knows the guy well, better than the original girl, and has been friends with him for years, and she asked him…

“So, I hear you and so and so are really hot and heavy these days”

Turns out the guy slept with her once, she drove him crazy and now that he knows she’s spreading rumors about him (apparently to more people than me), he called her and told her off six ways from Sunday, basically wrapping the convo up with “from now on, you’re dead to me”.

To this day, she’s just not sure how that happened…since she obviously thought I have no way of getting in touch with him and the hot stories would never get back to bite her.
jarbaby

[Spritle]

One time, at band camp…

[Creaky]

I knew this aspiring actress once who was dating an already established actor. She thought he was the greatest thing since thin maxi-pads, so she flew many miles to be with him, possibly with plans to live with him. When she got to his apartment, she realized that he never paid his bills because he spent all of his money on dope and booze. He had no phone and no heat because it had been turned off long ago. Maid service was a dim memory for him. She cleaned the apartment and bought him groceries and housewares, because she believed his various and sundry fabrications about how he came to be in such a sorry state.

She stayed for two weeks, during which time he would depart every evening, leaving her alone in the now clean but depressing West Hollywood apartment, and coming back in the wee hours of the next morning. She was perplexed but still trusting. One night, the girl fell asleep on the living room couch, only to be woken up in the middle of the night by giggling. The actor had brought home another girl. Thinking that Girl Number One was asleep, the actor tried to sneak Girl Number two into his bedroom. Girl Number One had finally had enough, and confronted the two of them.

Apparently Girl Number Two had been told that Girl Number One was “just a friend” and only staying one night. Girl Number One, mortified, walked out of the apartment, but having no car and nowhere to go, sat outside in the gallery hallway on a porch chair. She tried, after calming down a bit, to get back into the apartment and get her stuff and go to a hotel, but the actor had locked her out. Finally, at about 4AM, she summoned the courage to knock on the door of the actor’s across-the-hall-neighbor, a very nice man who let her spend the night inside.

The next morning the girl called her father, who, after the usual threats of death to the actor, sent the girl money for a hotel. While the girl was trying to decide how to get her belongings, Girl Number Two from the night before came to the door. What followed was a long and wonderful chat between the two girls at a downtown L.A. coffee bar. Neither girl had honestly known about the other. Naughty, naughty actor man! Both girls decided that the actor was a rat, and that the perfect revenge would be for Girl Number Two to take Girl Number One to the 1997 Golden Globe Awards, on the actor’s ticket, leaving him home, and tell everyone there in a very nice way what had happened and what a jerk he was.

So they did. Both girls had a great time and met lots of fun people.

And the actor? His career pretty much fizzled out, and now he runs a small theater company with his father, who is the only one anywhere who will hire him.

Roll credits.