Divorce and Second Marriages

In My Humble Opinion
1

I was wondering about this. First is it a hard decision to get a divorce knowing that you will not see(at least that often)the person you fell in love with and at one time they were probably your best friend? I mean sometimes I get really upset with my wife but it usually blows over. Do some people that get divorced wish they didn’t later?

Second,

It seems like a second marriage would be harder than the first. I mean you would always be comparing your second spouse to your first spouse. I wonder the success rate is of second marriages.

2

Despite having done everything “right” prior to my first marriage (i.e., dating a long time, not sleeping together, spending a lot of time with each other’s families, attending church regularly, etc.) the marriage was a disaster. A couple of years into it my husband became a raging drug addict. After 4 1/2 additional years of pleading with him to get help with no success and, having watched him drain our bank accounts and run us into tremendous debt, no, it was not at all a hard decision to file for divorce. And no, I was not upset at the thought of never seeing him again. That was the point.

Second marriage harder? Not at all. I find it much easier. I am now older and wiser. I know myself better and I know what I need, what I’m willing to put up with and what I’m willing to give. I am a much more self-confident and secure woman now that I am in my 30’s than I was when I first married in my 20’s. I never compare my current husband to my former, except to remind myself what a wise decision it was to dump husband #1.

I have no idea about the success rate of second marriages, but the first thing that comes to mind is that the data would be naturally skewed. If someone has married a second time, they obviously divorced once and do not have religious or moral beliefs that prohibit divorce. That being the case, you are already dealing with a sample pool who all have a potential to divorce, contrasted to first marriage stats which would include people who would never divorce even if their spouce routinely beat them and sexually abused the children.

And, lastly, I must point out to you, WB that your OP is somewhat offensive. I’ve read your posts long enough to know that you probably didn’t mean it that way, but when you say things like, “I mean sometimes I get really upset with my wife but it usually blows over”, you are implying that people who get divorced do not take their marriages seriously and are ready to pack up and go at the first minor difficulty. You might want to rethink that.

3

Hi Lucky,

I definetely didn’t mean the way you understood it. I was really trying to understand what constitutes the “last straw”. Because I have heard about couples that got divorced and then ended up getting married again(sometimes more than once)

Also I am sorry about the stuff you went through on your first marriage and I am happy you are doing good now. Sounds like you put up with alot a crap but you’re right some people will never change.

On a sidenote these user names are a trip sometimes I never knew you were a women before. Maybe there should be a like a little “f” for female and a little “m” besides the user name just a thought.

4

Wildest Bill, I think that one thing people often assume is that if one aspect of their relationship is ending, then so must all aspects of their relationship. Granted, some divorces are quite ugly, and as a result, those getting divorced are unlikely to want to have anything to do with each other. But friendships can last beyond divorce. It just takes a willingness to keep the friendship alive.

Problems in marriages do often blow over in time, but this isn’t always the case. In regards to the end of my own marriage, sometimes I regret it, but mostly I don’t. People get married for a lot of reasons, and some of them have little to do with love for another. As we get older, we may realize more about ourselves, and reconsider the choices we’ve made. I’ve known people who have divorced, and people who have chosen to stay together no matter what. And in both cases, they wonder at times if they have made the right choice.

Unless my viewpoint changes, I don’t think there will be a second marriage for me. There will be other relationships though, and I don’t think I’ll spend a lot of time comparing those relationships with the one I share with my ex, who happens to still be my best friend. She is who she is, and that’s precisely why I value her so. If I meet another person, I imagine that I will appreciate them for who they are rather than contrasting them with my ex.

5

Don’t get nervous Bill you asked a (not so kindly worded) question, I’ll give you an honest answer.

I tried like hell to make my marriage work. I’d resisted getting married in the first place, I felt that it was merely a public affirmation of a private commitment.

The sorry fact was, that in my case, the private committment wasnt’ there. It wasn’t a question of “getting mad” at my ex. It was a question of safety for both my son and myself. it was a question of allowing some one to expose me to diseases through their sexual acitivity, while I was paying more than my share of the bills, and doing more than my share of the work around the house.

All child care, all groceries, all cooking, dishwashing and half of the cleaning was in my camp. We both worked full time, he demanded and took time out for his “personal activities”, I had my son with me except for the specific hours that I worked. He “babysat” our son three times. Once while I went for a 3 hour blood test, once for a long pre arranged outing with friends (under his protest) and once for an at home party where he took our son over to his mistresses house.

I think, all things considered, the divorce was a good idea, don’t you?

At this point, I’ve been in a relationship for 14 years with a man who treats me well, we share activities and responsabilities pretty much equally, he respects me and is kind, faithful etc. we have the level of private commitment that I’d hope for in the marriage. The public affirmation isn’t important to me, if he wanted to, I suppose I’d agree. we joke about going to Vegas to the drive thorugh Elvis chappel, but lack the funds presently.

So, while it hasn’t soured me on relationships, I no longer care if the piece of paper is registered. Ok?

6

Wring,

Thanks for calming me down right off the bat. How did ya know I was nervous? :wink:

Second it sounds you had a pretty rough marriage and it looks like you’re doing better with this new dude. And if ya do get married in Vegas with one of those Elvis ceromony let me know I have always wanted to see one of those things live. :smiley:

7

Consider the frequent response from Ann/Abby (one of those two) in the form of a pointed question.

“Would you be better off with or without your spouse?”

Sure you get upset with your wife. I bet she gets equally upset with you sometimes. That’s just the way life is. Do you remember why you got together in the first place? Do those reasons still exist? If not, could/should they be revived?

Divorce is painful, but sometimes marriage is more painful. wring hit the nail on the head: commitment. Is it still there? Was it ever really there? It has to be mutual - warts and all.

Good luck

8

As it happens, my ex-wife and I are still friends–we don’t see each other that much, but we e-mail and call occasionally. I wish her all the best, as I believe she does me.