Do I have the right to be angry?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

A while ago I met this girl via ICQ. She lives locally to me and online we got along like a house on fire. I mean it was unbelievable how much we had in common. Similar points of view on a lot of things.

She was a little wary of meeting someone on the internet so she came up with a plan of being in the same place at the same time so we could see each other from a distance, no pressure … no talking to each other and if we decided we wanted to go further from there - we could do so at a later time.

So I went along with it and we appraised each other from a distance - and she was gorgeous … I was very attracted to her.

Later that night there was an email pretty much saying that she thought similarly about me.

Then … the games (as my housemate dpr calls them) started. After a silly argument she decided to punish me with a 4 week suspension on meeting for the first time.

I was not happy, but liking this girl - I went along with it.

Before the 4 weeks were up we met up for lunch and had a fantastic couple of hours together. I can’t remember enjoying myself more for a long time.

The reason we met up before the end of the suspension was she realised I was losing interest in the 4 weeks waiting … though during the 4 weeks there had been plenty of phone calls that were rather risque.

So she called me at work, we met up for lunch … she introduced me to her mother! It was a great day. That was towards the middle of last week.

On Sunday she told me that she had some bloodwork done on Saturday and the results were very scary.

She hinted as to what it could be - but I won’t go into that here.

She then tellsme she doesn’t want to talk about it … so I follow her wishes and talk about other things trying to take her mind of her concerns.

The last few days …

Monday night she was in a play - I leave a message wishing her luck.

Wednesday night - not having heard from her I call and get message bank and leave a message saying ‘Hi, it’s Luke calling cause I am concerned.’

I log on to ICQ this morning.

Luke: Good Morning
Her: Hi
Luke: So How are you?

She had logged off at this point

Then I get a message from invisible her saying she doesn’t hate me she just “doesn’t want to deal with people like me at the moment because she has a lot on her mind”

I call her on it and ask her what she meant by people like me and told her I want to help.

She said I can’t help

I said to at least let me try …

she then said quote: Just Leave Me Alone

I then sent:

I’m sorry if I’ve upset you but again I am not sorry for what I said or how I acted, I feel justified in my behaviour.
One of the side effects of growing to care for someone is an inability to sit back and be a spectator if they are in some sort of trouble and I have never been very good at sitting back and watching anyway.
If you want me to leave you alone … well that’s obviously something that you have thought about and deceided. However Em, with me that is an all or nothing proposition. I’ve given everything alot of thought, in fact I’ve been very caught up in introspection this last few days.
What I have come to realise is that I haven’t felt the potential I feel with you for anyone in the past … I may have been hopelessly devoted and in love with Sarah - but I wasn’t so convinced or sure of things as I am now.
Some things you should know are you don’t have to be scared of anything with me … I am not going to judge you on anything or change my mind about you … no matter what.
That’s always a promise.

But I can’t sit back and watch and I refuse to even try. Which means if you ask me to walk away now, that’s exactly what I will be doing.

That was out of pure frustration … she just logged off …
what do I do or say?

Do I have the right to be angry or frustrated? I mean there are alot more to the games (dprspeak) than what I have told … she was very flirtatious but also kept me at heel. dpr will no doubt log on at some stage and share some of the games and his insights … and I hope he does.

sigh

Any thoughts?

2

Dude, I think you are being played, and you should shake this off and get on with life.

I can completely sympathize with your feelings and wanting to be there for her, but this plot has soap-opera reject written all over it.

Let me tell you a story that I am not at all proud of. I’ll try to be brief while covering all the salient points.

I went out with a girl in high school a few times. I’ll call her Ann just so I don’t have to keep calling her “she.” We’d met at an audition for a summer-camp-type arts program in drama. Before long at all, I got the message loud and clear that Ann was much more serious about me than I was about her. On top of this she was Catholic and I was interested in some premarital hanky-panky. I told you already I’m not proud of this.

So, I decided I had to get rid of Ann. I won’t go into details, but I played her and played her good. She was so deeply moved by my need to “free” myself of the “heartache” it caused me to see her that she even suggested therapy so we could continue on. But I said, “No, no, just go live your happy life and let me have my memories.” Remember, drama.

So far, so good. She’s gone and I’m free. Then we both get accepted to the arts program. I make it through all six weeks of this program pulling this “heartache” out of my back pocket any time she’s in the room. Word gets around amongst the girls that I’m this really deeply hurt, anguish-ridden guy who needs all the help he can get.

I saw her again a couple of years later completely by coincidence. I’d grown up a lot in the interim and I confessed. She hates me to this day, I’m sure, but I confessed. That part I’m proud of.

Don’t set yourself up for heartache you don’t need, pLt. You found one girl, you can find another.

3

Well, on first glance I thought “Let it rest before it hurts more”.

However, that may just be taking things from how they appear on the surface, and things may be a lot deeper. If she is simply playing games, then leave it. However, she might have serious psychological problems. She may be feeling like she has to face all her problems alone, that no one really cares, etc. If this is the case, it would only do more harm to give up on her. The best thing to do in this case is to show her that you care and that you would do your best to comfort her, but also trying hard to be as patient and as least overbearing as you can.

I wish you the most in sorting this out.

4

pLt: Man, I know exactly how you feel. This past March I met a girl on-line who was a grad student at my alma mater. We had a lot in common, and then decided to meet one night to see a movie. We met in Georgetown, saw the flick, and then left. The next day she told me that she had chronic depression and a lot of time she was mentally imbalanced. (She was seeing several doctors for this; basically, she was fucked up.)

She would suffer migraines occasionally and several times I came to her aid when she needed me – I spent a night sleeping in her bed with her for comfort because she was nearly suicidal sleeping alone (like I said, she was fucked up). I would get her vitamins when she was unable to go to the store, etc.

During this time, I grew very attracted to her, and she did to me, but it was impossible to have a relationship with her due to her become very unreliable due to her medical and mental condition. We’re still friends, now, though, but it’s hard just being that – I haven’t seen her since May, and we’ve made several plans since then to just hang out that she’s either stood me up on or canceled due to her problems. She’s not getting any better and it’s affecting all aspects of her life, and I’m powerless to help her, mostly because I’ve exhausted my resources. She also knows how I felt and that’s caused some problems since she explicitly has said she doesn’t want to date me. (For the record, I no longer want to date her.)

Anyway, it’s painful knowing that someone you care about is going through something you wish you could help them through. My advice is, and please apply plenty of salt with it, to obey her wish and step back. But, if you’re still obsessing over this in a week, call her up and just check on her. Don’t do anything more than that – don’t ask her out.

Good luck. You’re going to need it. :confused:

5

Ohhhhh… I’m sorry to hear about that, pLt. I’m glad you had a chance to meet her, but listening to your story I can’t help but think that there’s a lot more going on in her mind than what she might be sharing with you. She’s playing some serious head games, and I think the problem is that if you hang around, you’re probably in for a lot more of this kind of grief. Maybe she hasn’t been purposefully stringing you along, making you believe she is perfect for you… but I’m thinking her actions speak louder than her cooing…

Angry? I don’t know. But certainly it’s possible she’s been wasting a lot of your time, emotions, and energy. Frustrated, yeah. definitely.

6

Did she have a bad experience with some other person online before you?

This is what I got from reading the OP. Granted, you have left out many important details I’m sure, and I only read it once…

… Because before you she met someone from the internet that treated her badly, or with whom she had
relations that she is now regretting. Stay with me here…

She is possibly pregnant or she got an STD from the person she met before… or possibly the blood test revealed that she had been drugged by the person she met recently from the internet.

“People like you”= People from the internet. Meaning internet jerks that f#ck her over and treat her like crap. But you are different and she can tell so she does not hate you. She is not sure of what to do. She “has a lot on her mind”.

What do you think?

7

I don’t know, Bear. I’m leaning toward the “I’m pissed and scared about the blood tests and have had bad problems with guys (net or not) and this guy is nice and all but I don’t deserve to be happy or with somebody who’s supportive and what if he isn’t as nice as he seems?” theory. Or I just gave the plot for an After School Special.

8

You have every right to be angry and frustrated, pLt. Her behavior has been come-hither followed by rejection. Of course you’re confused and angry. How could you not be?

It’s impossible to know if her problems are physical, emotional or mental–or combination. Frankly, I feel she owed you more an explanation, even if she steered clear of details she wanted to keep private. But some decent explanation, surely.

BTW, my parents generation had a neat term for the syndrome: screen door artist. It’s someone who sends out all the lures only to leave slam that near-invisible barrier shut at the last minute, leaving the puzzled suitor smashed face-first into the wire mesh.

No matter her reasons, and how much it hurts, my advice is to take her at her word. She handled it badly, but she expressed a clear request to break off the relationship. Trying to figure out why will be futile and painful. If she’s playing games, you’re just opting out of a no-win contest you never wanted anyway. If she’s beset by problems and wants to handle them alone, you can’t force confidences she doesn’t want to share.

You’re a caring guy, honorable and decent. You offered love and support, and no one could do more. If she isn’t in a position to respect and accept that, there are plenty of women who dream of nothing more.

Best of luck, and comfort to you, Luke. It truly sucks, but you did nothing wrong. I strong believe that trying to do more now would be wrong for you and for her.

Veb

9

It sounds to me like she was put off after your meeting. I’m sorry to rain on your parade but I think that after a couple meetings with you she determined that the chemistry wasn’t there and unstead of coming straight out and saying it she’s been making excuses.

10

give her a phone call or an email- “I know you don’t want to talk right now, and I understand. When you want to, call me, I’ll be there”. Nothing more, just that. Then DROP IT. Do not call or email for any reason until she contacts you.
Been there, done that, got a whole freakin drawer of the T-shirts.

11

It could be about you, but then again, it might not be.

Everyone handles crises differently. Some people run to their friends for support and advice, and some don’t. I think she’s one of the latter. (Although it would be good if you’d had the benefit of a previous problem to see how she dealt with that, for comparison’s sake.)

At any rate, she’s made it clear that she wants to handle whatever she’s going through without your help. Nothing you can really do about that.

Is this a condition you can live with, though?

If you still do want to be there for her, then I agree with Danielinthewolvesden’s advice: Let her know you’ll be there when she wants to come to you. And then let her decide if she’ll do just that.

12

I didn’t read all the replies, so forgive me if someone’s already posted something to this effect…

I think she’s a first-class player. She’s playing you like a big 'ol bass fiddle. I think she met you, thought you were ok, had Momma meet you, and maybe mom didn’t like pLt as much as said girl(who couldn’t have liked you that much).

So they discussed it, and you were dropped off of her radar. Said VD discussion is laid out, plans were set in motion(I don’t think most VD tests are complete within a couple days, are they?). She now acts torn up, broken down, and she’s backing you off nicely.

That’s my take on it…there’s other fish to fry my friend. Remember, the internet makes it SO easy for the player AND the play-ee.

-Sam

13

Hrm …

No, I am her first (apparantly) net meeting.

In case you missed the sLutboy threads … Historically I am no rose, but I found someone I was willing to throw off the shackles of a reputation for.

The meeting with her mother was all of a split-second so I don’t think that’s related.

Not knowing what to do is the hardest part.

14

For what it’s worth, I’ll throw in my vote for letting her know you’ll be there if/when she wants to talk, and leaving it at that.

15

I can say this because I am an actress. Dude, she’s going for the drama. As often is the case with us actin’ chicks, (myself noteably excepted, of course) she wants her whole life to be one Oscar-winning performance, complete with pathos galore.

Forget her. You don’t want to be with someone who can carelessly screw around with your emotions so heartlessly.

16

Let it go. If she wants you, she knows you’re there.

Unless, of course, you are into a soap opera lifestyle as much as this girl seems to be. Then by all means, get caught up in her little drama. More caught up, I should say.

As far as being angry, yes be angry. At yourself. You’ve let your expectations far exceed reality here. Remember that the people you meet on-line have real lives too, and they rarely mesh well with the fantasy of the virtual world.

I don’t think you have the right to be angry at her. It doesn’t sound like her motivation is to hurt you, at least not directly.

17

And once again, Swiddles nails it right straight on the head. Lord, she rocks. Swiddles - I hope I’m as smart as you when I grow up. Wait - I’m 34. SHOOT!

pLt, I’m going to have to agree with Swiddles - she sounds exactly (to the “T”) like someone I used to be friends with. Unfortunately, being friends with someone like that takes a terrible emotional toll. Let it, and her, go. There are plenty of women out there who don’t need to constantly be starring in their own personal versions of “One Life To Live”.

18

Walk away, buddy.
That won’t be easy. In fact, it’ll hurt like hell. But better to rip off that Band-Aid right now and be done with it than to drag this out any longer.
Regardless of the reason for her behavior – whether she’s just a cold-hearted manipulator or a sad woman with serious problems – the best you can hope for is a lot more of this in the future after you think you’ve gotten past it.
Don’t mean to sound cynical, but I’ve experienced exactly that. Believe me, it’s a lot worse later on.
It’s tough when you like her and sincerely want to help her, but the sad truth is that you’re not close enough to this woman to keep risking your own emotions when she clearly doesn’t want your help.
Don’t keep focusing on the fantasy of what you hoped would happen with this gal. Look at the reality, bleak as it may be. And then remember that another one, a better one, will come along some time.
– Greg, Atlanta

19

As a guy with a history of choosing only the finest psychopaths to become attracted to, I can honestly say . . .

Get out! Get out now!

And count yourself lucky she didn’t boil one of your pets.

20

In my opinoion,
it sounds like she is playing.
I hate people who do that.
I think that happeneds a lot,
but also people really find eight outher too
on the net, so don’t stop looking for the right one.
She’s out there somewhere.:slight_smile: