I like the plan. Just make sure you’re not kidnapped and deprogrammed. Seriously, it could happen if Mom is so crazy.
I’d suggest getting a recording of Flip Wilson’s “The Devil Made Me Do It” and call her up in the middle of the night and play it. On a loop.
OH! Shouldn’t laugh, really, but … 
5que has a point, - might your mad mother be likely to organise a whole team of similar nutcases to exoricise your “demon”? Scary.
That must have been particularly bad when you were , say 13- 17 or so, and still having to live with her. BLECH!
There’s some traveling evangelist (from Texas?) who “wages war against Hell” and believes people who are mentally ill are “demon possessed”. (Among many others, including Pagans and Goths and people of “immoral” sexual orientation) Might you mother have somehow gotten herself into his clutches? Ah, a bit of a search, and I’ve found his name. Bob Larson He’s truly frightening.
Friend faithful, as your demonstrated mastery of BULLDADA, your scorn for Pinks, your embrace of sexual deviency, and your correct identification of the otherworldly entity that you have been in contact with as “Bob”, I have come to the conclusion that you are not, in fact, possessed by a demon as the Normals understand the term. Instead, you are a latent SubGenuis. Please report immediately for reprogramming.
Quit your job. Slack off. Priase Motherfucking “Bob” and pass the ammunition.
Ah, I’ll also add, that from the documentary I watched on him, he “detains” a person who is demon possessed with the family’s blessing in order to “intervene” so be wary if she is involved with his ministries. To be fair, Mr. Larson did seem (IMO) to “browbeat” a person who was filmed (their “intervention” was shown as an example in the documentary) into accepting his help, but he spoke of people trying to get away during the course of an “intervention”, and how he brought a lot of people to help prevent them.
Hahaha. My mom raised me solely on Bob Larson and Jack Chick. Good Looooord, those two are nine steps beyond a freak fest. Bob Larson was convinced that Twisted Sister were satanists who made children kill their parents. My mom had a video of his called “Bob Larson’s Primal Scream” where they SHOWED the whole Twisted Sister video like it was this incredibly sinister ritual being held on camera.
Seriously, a buncha guys in rouge and leggings… ooooooh, scary!
He also wrote a book called Bob Larson’s Book of Cults which I believe that EVERYONE should read at least once. He lists Buddhists, Muslims and wait for it karate as cults. :smack:
I too have been accused of having demons attached to me, particularly the year that my sister and I decided to host a Samhain celebration (Ahh, teenagerdom) and my mom found out. She called me at a friends house CRYING HYSTERICALLY and insisting that I not be allowed in her house with this spirit about me.
…
She’s mellowed out alot though. I think that even people who are wrapped up in dangerous cults like Homebrew’s mom, the OP’s mom and my own dearest mother should at least have the decency to realize that losing your child altogether is not better than continuously misguided attempts to “save” them.
If the OP’s mother can’t let go of her cult leanings long enough to embrace her child, eff her. She’s no better than an Islamic radical/terrorist at heart. (And don’t tell me it’s an unfair comparison… Every fundie that extreme that I’ve ever met was completely okay with God destroying Sodom and with Abraham attempting to slay his own son for God. Sick, sick.)
I’m sorry that your holidays turned out that way, faithfool. 
::: comes running and panting into thread, dragging Bob behind her :::
Hurry up man! BOB!! They’re waiting!
::: Bob lags near and whispers in my ear (see! our mothers are right!) :::
Ooops. Sorry. Bob’s Christian 
name is actually Roberto and would henceforth like to be regarded as such. Again, humblest apologies sir. 'Cause you have proven right fun to hang out with over the last week. Well, at least since I’ve known you were here. Before that, meh. It’s anyone’s guess.
To make up for my many indiscretions, I’m going to let him field the replies since last night.
::: steps away from podium and lets Roberto have the mic :::
“How is everyone this fine day?”
::: waits patiently for noise to die down, cell phones to be turned off and the lady in the 5th row to quit picking her nose – yes, ma’am, you :::
“Ok, so where were we? First of all, as the dapper emissary that I am, I’d like to thank all of you for attending our little occult gathering. Before you leave, please make sure to pick up your goodie baskets of glow-in-the-dark pentagram necklaces, Eye of Newt designer knock-off spray and some lick-on tattoos for the kids that say… If it’s alright with Roberto and faithfool, it’s alright by me!”
“Now, on to our lovely and intelligent respondents.”
Kythereia: Anyone interested in handing out smooches will definitely see their rewards here. So, what would you like? Just fill out that form in triplicate, notarize it with The Worm over there (What? Surely no one believed the explanation in MiB!) and turn it in before the next .76 full moon while dancing naked with Snoopy. We’ll get you fixed right up. Keep on laughin’ too sister. Wonder who’ll get the last one in after all? 
threemae: It’s perfectly acceptable to bring others into the fold. Just don’t let your girlfriend know how cool we are or we’ll have another stampede on the ‘2 for 1’ sale of deviled eggs. Our group must share with the underprivileged, true? And I’m not sure if I like being deemed as faithfool’s Lil’ Demon Buddy. It begs the question of who is actually in control. We all know the answer to that, don’t we? I didn’t persuade her to buy that Ouija board mouse pad for nothing. Although, I’ll pass on that the writing is inspired.
::: winks and straightens tie :::
(Because every girl is crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man!!!)
“Next!”
Homebrew: My favorite man and his imp! How the hell is Phil doing? I didn’t realize he was still hanging onto his old ‘sexual’ spiel. I guess old habits die hard, huh?
::: mumbles to that pesky faithfool :::
“Please excuse me you kind listeners, but the lady (and I use that term very lightly) would like to speak for a moment. Go ahead. Shoot.”
Sorry y’all. But I just had to drop in and say a few things of my own before Roberto runs completely amok. I appreciate everyone allowing me (us) to handle this in a way that is somewhat entertaining. I’m still real deeply hurt, riled up and in desperate need of a spell to cast over my idiot mother, but being able to get it all out in the Pit and have others share my pain is helping tremendously. Not to mention, I used to be the type who wouldn’t have even written anything down remotely negative in a diary for fear it might hurt feelings. Now, I get the thrill of knowing the world (almost) over understands my mother is a certifiable, heinous fruit and we can laugh at it so RAWKS! < said with 3 finger salute >
So, that said, I really am grateful for everyone’s support, concern and help. This means the world (both on this planet and, I suppose, below) to me. I’ll try to edge back in occasionally whenever Roberto either gives me a chance or needs a breather. Thank you.
::: lets Roberto take back over :::
“Wasn’t that sweet? She really is a nice girl. Kinda mousy and w-a-y out there, but in a non-threateningly, goofy sort of way.”
::: waves :::
“Now, where was I? Oh, right, Homebrew, my homeboy. Yum. Yeah, the girl would definitely do wise to believe she was switched as well. Hmm. Perhaps she honest to Og (we’re not allowed to co-opt that ‘other’ phraseology – drats!) was. I’ll have to check on that for the both of you. I know if I was in that position, it’d definitely put my mind to rest.”
“Well friends, my throat is a little parched. Hehehehe. I’m going to take a quick break and have a bite of some devil’s food cake that I packed for the recent holiday trip, then return and chat some more. Be gloriously naughty now!”
Who else do we have that’s been so gracious to join our little unholy gathering?
DeVena! My apparently long-lost kindred soul. How are y’all doin’? Tell Irving (which is a much better name, BTW) that he IS the man. A multi-decader too. Wow. I am so impressed. I’m glad he’s helped to foster some of the self-esteem you already had within you and deserved to get rid of those negative images your mother was peddling. Just wish I’d done it sometime before I was 36. And not putting up with any of it is excellent advice. Who knew it c/would be as simple as walking away?? That definitely has to be the “peace which passes understanding” in my book. But if you guys are ever up for a get-together, just yell. I’ll bring Bob (I can call him that when he’s not around, right? I mean, he ain’t Santa or nuthin.) and we can all sit down to a nice quiet death metal concert or we can send the boys out on their own and we’ll hit their ‘cover’ store… Victoria’s Secret. There’s a reason they call it that.
Maureen ~ Your suggestions are absolutely priceless! The best one I came up with while I was there was simply remarking that she probably didn’t want to hang around us, since that’d be inviting iniquity into her presence. Unfortunately, it didn’t fly. I can picture our next visit, me with duct tape at the ready and stories of being a perverted plaything of the netherworld on the par that Madonna has never seen. Is this where I cackle like Vincent Price? Oooh, and if I took off briefly, after alluding to black masses and such, with her prized kitty cat (just wish the fellow was black!), I could then stand back and watch hilarity ensue. You are a gem!! Thanks much from the bottom of our lightless hearts.
Incubus ~ Do I need to get you set up with an incantation or something? I’m sure there are enough KISS (knights in satan’s service, doncha know) to go 'round who’ll short change a bed, put Saran Wrap over a toilet lid or egg a house. We’ll take care of those piddly little squabbles before you know it and have mom bringing in Playboy twins for you on those lonely days off. Then you can claim the idea you brought up. “Why yes. ALL the collective demons from the Dope made me do it, them, whatever!”
devilsknew ~ First off, gotta say how appropriate your username is and how much it gets a resounding endorsement from this sector. I think that shows how much we’re all on the same sinful side. Of course, your subconscious acknowledgement should have told you that all along. Now if I can just get an opportunity to throw that out there myself, all will be snipped puppy dog tails and fart sounds right with the world. But I can add the “pointy tongue” thing too? It just won’t be complete if that’s missing and my eyes aren’t rolled back in my head. I’ll wait to hear from you first though. Wouldn’t want to step on anyone’s toes or not pay the proper royalties. So, heil dude!! I almost forgot. No worries over Shitler ever spending money on me to correct this, in any fashion. Prayer is all she can afford because otherwise, her funds are wrapped up in her lake house and boat and remodeling and more important pressing mortal issues than the destination of my afterlife someday. I’m sure you can feel the gravity of what’s at stake here.
Uh oh, Bob is stirring this direction. I guess lunchtime is over. I’ll let him finish up the remainder. Wouldn’t want to piss off those PTB.
Hugs to all my sympathizers. We’ll have one helluva (that just slays me every time!) come the apocalypse!! Party on!
::: clears throat and dabs powder around eyes :::
“You have to look good for the followers. Not everyone can pull off that scruffy look that she thinks she can (and we know she doesn’t, but I’ll save that for a different complaint of my own – perhaps I should get an account? – the possibilities for referrals would be endless!) and still command respect. I believe that I’ll finish up then…”
OtakuLoki: Tsk, tsk. The inherent ‘screw with her mother’ tactic is very well thought-out and amusing, but I must advise against intentional deception. We all know what my real name is and pretending it’s something else will only cause confusion (wait, I’m thinking) and I’m not sure that faithfool’s egg donor needs anymore to deal with than she already causes and courts. The last thing faithfool desires is explaining how she has an army of demons following her into the bathroom, shopping for groceries or watching tentacle porn. (I tried to tell you that I knew everything, but you wouldn’t listen. Santa my ass.) I can’t promise that she won’t do it anyway, just because it sounds like much fun and she can, so I’m sure you’ll be hearing back great words of gratitude. Furthermore, I will recognize the genius in you.
But, we’ve got to have words the whole ‘Spork’ incidents. I was told that was completely hush-hush and all the evidence had been eradicated. What do you know? Tell me now or I’ll hold my breath until I pass out. Tell me! Tellmetellmetellme!!! Damn. I’m going to be watching you so close.
::: regains composure :::
Liberal: Hard to admit there are people like those mothers out there, isn’t it? If you never come into contact with one, most assume a Mrs. Cleaver stance. Not true and oh so very sad. I feel we should just leave them to their fates, old, alone and looking like used luggage, swearing that they are in touch via PAX TV. But due to them never leaving any of the rest of us be, I’ll pass on that voucher for lunch and have it recorded in the communal Palm Pilot. Lunch can commence at the local Cracker Barrel, which surely IS the spawn of Beelzebub, and they’ll be comfortable and fit in. :eek:
EJsGirl: We saw that and are very proud of your depravity. Keep up the good work! And Maureen, hijack away. She won’t mind. What better place to do so then when one can permit horrible fiends to take over in the midst? It’s all part of our plan, I tell you. That, and to make Speedos illegal. I can’t shudder or bleach my brain enough. Enjoy all those baaaad thoughts. It’s what makes a body happy and deranged.
5que: I like it! I’m sure we’ll be hitting our relative company (eBay – everyone already knew that, right?) today looking for a version to scare the crap out of her. Only a couple of questions though… should this be done nightly? at the same time? other eerie stuff thrown in? Don’t just put out an awesome concept and not finish it up! The other dominions in my squad might like to give it a whirl and I don’t want to share it incomplete. If I did, I wouldn’t be up for Demon of the Month in January then. Please, be considerate of us hardworking types. It’s a hellhound’s world out there and only the nastiest and most calculating make it to the top (with Trick-or-Treating accounts).
“I’m done for a bit. All this talking makes me long for the comfort of the steam baths. I’m giving it back to her for a while and I’m going to go catch my soaps. They’re all so immoral! Remember to do unto each other heartily and then SPLIT!”
Take five everyone. 
Stupid freakin’ possessed computer!
Anyhow, since it’s acting all buggy on me, I’ll finish up this round by saying…
Celyn, you have no idea. The woman needs more help than could be given by permanent placement in Bellvue. How I even lived long enough to grow up is a mystery to me. And Zabali, I know exactly who you’re talking about because he made several trips to our church when I was a teenager. Alas, they don’t go there anymore and I only wish that I could blame her lunacy on someone else, but it’s not the case. She LIVES to see things in as bad a light as possible and never requires any outside help to achieve that. It makes me so ashamed. But, I will keep an eye out in case she invites me to any ‘services’ anywhere unexpected.
It’s about damn time that someone recognized me for the subgenius that I am. Thank you vibrotronica. I’ll be holding forth soon on how to involve everyone here on us taking over the world. Or was I not supposed to say that out loud?
::: bookmarks page :::
I only wish that I could say mine has mellowed out a lot like your malkavia, but that’s so far from the truth. As a matter of fact, this has just begun to ramp back up in the last couple of months. Perhaps I should recommend her to shave her head, eat tofu, wear a sheet and hang out in airports while chanting “Happy Birthday to Me” (which is the closest she can come to carrying a tune) and passing out LifeSavers. I doubt that’d work though. She’d much rather deride everyone’s existence rather than make it better. Also, she’s WAY more than okay with the whole Abraham/Isaac thing and all it implies. I know because that discussion came up right around the time Bob did. Amazing.
I appreciate all the help. At least it’s gotten me to smile some instead of grimace and fight back tears that my mother is such a cold-hearted, hateful and unloving bitch.
Eh, I’m definitely not looking forward to our next family gathering.
Signing off for now,
~faithf666l ( < ----- whadaya think of spelling it that way?) and Bob (or does he get seniority?)
Of course Bob gets seniority. Sheesh.
I’m certainly not one to downplay the importance of family in ones life, but it sounds like this woman needs to be as far from you as possible. I’m so sorry that you’ve had to endure all of these years of abuse at the whim of someone who is supposed to love and support you no matter what. That said, perhaps when you’re ready to… you may distance yourself from her until you are calm enough to write her a letter saying exactly how she’s made you feel all of these years and how far her attitude and behavior has helped to push you away from any Faith you may have had. Don’t send this letter to her until you are fully prepared for the fallout, of course. And if you never send it, that’s okay too. But feeling the way that I’m quite certain she’s made you feel all of these years without expressing it SOMEWHERE is going to make you insane.
Failing that, you may want to ask her how she screwed up so bad that God would curse her with a devil-warshup’n kid. :rolleyes: I kid, but not really. It just kills me that someone would treat their own child so inhumanely. hugs
Maybe next Christmas you should visit Bob’s family for a change. It’s only fair.
You do realise that there are certain criteria you have to meet to be considered possessed, right? And that you could likely quite easily pass any of the “tests” that a true “exorcist” would put you through? Perhaps you should schedule an appointment with your mom and the clergy-of-her-choice to put an end to this ridiculous notion once and for all?
-BK [sub]who, incidentally, is writing a book on possession and exorcism[/sub]
malkavia that’s absolutely beautiful! Evil, but beautiful.
faithfool, I won’t be able to get a hold of my favorite Wiccan for a few days, but you might want to stop by your local New Age/Pagan store. It’s amazing what a t-shirt with a pentagram can accomplish, or, if you’d like to be more discrete, go for a ring or necklace. If you explain the situation to the folks hanging out there and don’t dismiss them as Satanists (they’re not), you might get all kinds of helpful suggestions.
See if you can borrow a copy of the Necronomicon from the library. Actually, from what you’ve written of your mother, a few copies of the various Harry Potter books should do. If you check the religion section of the library (200’s if it uses the Dewey decimal system), you should see all sorts of books which you could use to provoke a reaction. While we’re dealing with books, try memorizing some of the dialog used by various evil forces in The Lord Of the Rings and start reciting that in front of your mother. Actually, even some of the Elvish stuff might work.
On a slightly more serious note, consider giving her a copy of C. S. Lewis’ The Screwtape Letters or conveniently “forgetting” it next time you visit her. I sometimes think people think Evil is far more powerful, obvious, and spectacular than it is.
In the meantime, buy yourself lots of nice smelling candles, incense, etc. Not only does it smell good, it adds to the general aura your mother suspects surrounds you. Who knows? If she’s of the (in)appropriate mindset, if you burn enough incense, she might even decide you’re worse than demon-possessed – you’re Catholic!
Actually, I think Jesus might have said it best when he said, “Shake the dust from your feet and move on” (a paraphrase of Matthew 10:14). I’m sorry she hurt you, and I wish things were better. Remember, you don’t need to let her harm you, and you can honor her from a distance. In this case, that’s probably the best way to do it.
CJ
Really? That’s not the message I’m getting from this thread. I think she’s still hurting you a lot. Of course, that’s the opinion of a stranger reading a message board - take it for what it’s worth.
Read what Bob Larson considers demons to be, and what he believes the “symptoms” of demon possession are… He’s not a “true” exorcist by any stretch of the word, he’s a charlatan. I put a link up to his site in a previous post in this thread.
What are the benefits of being demon possessed? What is the downside?
How can I find out how much my soul is worth to Satan?
Honey, I know you are playing this for laughs, and your OP and thoughts thereafter have been truly hilarious (you should write for a living) but I also know it must hurt very much. I’m sorry you are having to go through this, and I’m sending you lots of tea and sympathy. Wish I could be there to give you a great big hug.
But I’m laughing like a loon, too…sorry. You guys are ALL so FUNNY!
My Love,
Cheri
You know, faithfool, some people undergo expensive therapy and still never get in touch with their inner demon. You, Bob, Roberto, et. al. are just clickin’ along!
I’m sure this has already occured to you, but your mother is a drooling nutcase. For all you’ve made it hilarious, really hon, avoid this woman like the toxic wastedump she is.
If you absolutely must be around her, well, playing with what passes for her head is probably next best.
Since she’s convinced you’re a demon, why is she annoying you? Demons don’t LIKE being dissed. Could you swing a really scary, slit-eyed glare and maybe a low grumbly growl? Or zing her with the stupidest, cheesiest hex and see if she actually bites. "Mom, I tried to warn you. Now Bob the Demon is really, really pissed at you. " SHAZAM! (Wave arms like nerve-damaged grasshopper. It’ll look mystical to her anyway.) “Bob says you’re now a worshipper of heathen idols and prey to unnatural lusts! You collect Barry Manilow posters and look upon AKC chihauhaus with depraved lust of your heart and loins!”
If she doesn’t start singing Copacabana and watching dog shows on Animal Planet, odds are she was just bullshitting you and herself anyway.
Still better to just get the hell fast and far away from her as you can though.
Veb
$1.00 is the going rate – a few Dopers have the dollar he paid for theirs framed.
Faithfool, I regret that I no longer have the picture we used to have of my beloved wife Skulldigger, Navigator, Satan, and myself, taken after we went out to dinner at Satan’s apartment, before he moved to Ohio. But since you know two of us, you would definitely have gotten a kick out of it!