I see that I misinterpreted “my friend’s husband” as “my husband’s friend”. My bad!
This is why I’m boggled. It’s not even like there’s familial obligations involved. It’s a completely at will friend relationship where she keeps coming in the door of the groper so he can get another crack at her.
He behaves like the above and she decides as a free adult she needs another round of that and keeps coming back for more!
She’s asking for it!
That’s the whole point. What are her expectations of willfully re-engaging the abuse scenario again and again while telling these flesh crawling tales of this creep molesting her. If I get beaten up every time I go into a biker bar, at some point there should be a mental association that going to that particular bar leads to very unpleasant consequences and I should avoid that bar. This doesn’t seem to have happened here.
Yes. You should stand up for her, just by saying "i think it’s very important that all kids are empowered to decide who can touch them when, just in case someone with bad intentions tries to do it, don’t you agree “mr groper”?
Except you would use his real name.
No, she should say “Mr Groper.”
I do have sympathy for the OP, but this strikes me, too - as an adult, you really do have the ability to not be around people who treat you in ways you don’t like. In fact, I’d say beyond ability, you have a responsibility to look after yourself. Shrugging it off with saying that you suck and don’t have skills isn’t an answer; it’s possible (and necessary) to learn these skills.
No, she should say “Gropey McGroperson”.
Yup, I think there was an episode of Three’s Company pretty similar to this.
The OP does seem like a glutton for punishment, and I’m amazed that she’s not willing to recognize the sack of shit that is her “friend.”
I’m also curious as to how, exactly, the OP defines “grope.” She’s in a hug while “struggling with all [her] strength to get away,” yet she doesn’t think to do the most obvious thing I can think of, which is to bring her knee up in between his legs. If your all-out struggle doesn’t include that, then you’re not doing it right, or you’re describing it wrong.
I’m also wondering about the church episode, which you’re categorizing as a groping example. He kissed your hand. Did he use tongue, or something? Stick your finger(s) in his mouth? If not, then who knows whether he was doing it for his sexual pleasure? By using such a vague example to substantiate your case, I think you only weaken it.
Is the guy a perv? Probably, assuming what you’re writing has shreds of truth to it. But I’m guessing some of your incidents over the years are more you than him, and that the truth is somewhere in the middle. Which still makes the guy a perv, and you, while a victim, also guilty for repeatedly exposing yourself to it and putting up with it, and not drawing a line in the sand with your friend–for she is truly not your “friend.” She is just as guilty as her husband by condoning the behavior, and she’s letting her kids and extended family be exposed to this creep.
Read the fucking posts and stop being so fucking judgmental. She likes the friend, and the friend’s kid. She normally avoids the husband. But, about once a year or so, the guy is still around. She’s following you’re poorly worded advice, and you are attacking her for it.
I can’t believe you actually agreed with the comment that she is “asking for it.” Anyone with even the remotest bit of social intelligence knows that you are blaming the victim. Why the hell would you think that was acceptable behavior?
There’s absolutely no way you completely avoid all the jerkish people in your life. None.
I can’t believe that they took my comment seriously!
I didn’t agree that she was “asking” for it. My comment “that’s the whole point” referred to asking what the heck the rationale was that made her keep re-engaging this creep. What was the point of her continuing to go back again and again for this insane abuse.
She keeps making the decision (1) to be around a friend that lets this happen and (2) to keep rolling the dice. If the “victim” has options and yet keeps deliberately putting herself in the presence of a man who gropes her at what point does she bear some degree of possibility to stay the hell away from this abusive scenario. You make her sound like a mental infant.
The point you seem to be missing is that he’s not making snarky remarks about her hairstyle, he’s physically molesting her. You (and possibly she in retrospect) seem to see this more as an annoyance than a huge relationship ending stop sign.
[Moderator Warning]At best, this is jerkish behavior. Infraction given.[/Moderator Warning]
Because sometimes the victim keeps putting themselves in harm’s way. And yes, it absolutely is possible to never be around someone who you know is likely to grope you - it might mean making tough choices, but it is possible. I think there’s enough blame to go around for all three parties here - the OP, Gropey Groperson, and Gropey’s wife, but saying the OP has no blame also indicates she has no responsibility or power over the situation, and I don’t agree with that, either.
[Moderator Warning]This is over the top for IMHO, and you know it. Infraction given.[/Moderator Warning]
The point that stuck out to me is the encouraging of the OP to physically attack the groping husband. If for instance she would stomp on his instep and knee him in the groin… would she be prepared to physically defend herself with this man? This is the epitome of message board optimism. The authors and supporters fully believe that if she were to take this tact that he would realize that she’s not to be trifled with and back off of her. I would hope that would be the outcome as well. But what if the outcome is instead a straight right hand to the jaw? Or perhaps a bear hug that she couldn’t shake? If this a-hole is willing to do what he’s done so far… would physical violence to a woman be entirely remote??
That’s a move that’s best kept in reserve for situations more dangerous than this one, IMO. If she can escape without escalating the situation, she should do so.
Disagree. When was the last time you kissed the hand of a woman you’re not sleeping with? Ever? Me neither. What American men do you know who kiss women’s hands instead of shaking them? Any? Me neither.
By waving past this red flag, you appear to be going out of your way to discount Miss_Gnomer’s side of the story, a point which certainly helps explain your next paragraph:
While blaming the victim may make you feel better, chances are good that it’ll only discourage her further, by making her feel that, if she deserves the blame, then she deserves the abuse.
So you’re unwittingly helping the abuser.
IMO.
You didn’t do your homework, did you?
The reality of why people “come back for more”, whether you’re referring to sexual abuse, substance abuse, or any other destructive behavior, is way too complicated to expect them to stop because we say they should. That’s why telling them to ‘just stop’ virtually never works, and often contributes to the sense of helplessness they feel. And people who feel helpless are more prone to “come back for more”, not less.
Sad but true.
The OP never bears the responsibility for someone else’s behavior, and it’s not incumbent upon her to end her friendship with the wife and child because Groper McAsshole can’t understand that he doesn’t have the right to put his hands on women as he pleases. She does her best to avoid Groper, she sees him once a year, and probably hopes that this each time something will be different. That’s not a character flaw on her part, and in no way should she be attacked for doing the best she can to maintain a friendship with someone she obviously values while having to face the problem of a man who is thoroughly out of bounds.