You’ve told him before to not do it. It’s time to take it to the next level. Forget the calm tone of voice. Raise your voice to command pitch and yell something along the lines of “GODDAMMIT, JOE, HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO KEEP YOUR DAMN HANDS OFF OF ME!?” And if he is stupid enough to do it again after that, either kick him in the nads or have him arrested for assault. Or both.
Miss_Gnomer said:
Good for you. Stand by your guns. Refuse to see him, if he shows up somewhere then leave. If it is church, the shun him, refuse to get near him, if he reaches past his wife for your hand yank it back like he’s a leper. If anyone asks, tell them “because he gropes me”. You should not have to be embarrassed by his actions. (I know, doesn’t always work that way.) The more you make it vocalized, the more the scrutiny is on him. Make him defend himself by watching his own actions more closely.
nicole1912 said:
“Reasonable” is such a subjective word. She said she’s not in the US, so is there some equivalent to Child Protective Services? In the US, anyone can report suspect conditions, and some professions are required to report suspect conditions and CPS must investigate.
If the legal option is not similar, I would strongly suggest seeking out a community agency that deals with battered women. While what you are describing does not fall directly under that heading, they will have experience with sexual abuse including of minors and be able to advise you on what you can do, and offer support for you. They would also help benefit you in learning to be more assertive/defensive.
Miss_Gnomer said:
If I follow you, you are saying that he is smart enough to be selective in whom he picks on, and has enough of a reputation as a “decent” person because of the rest of his personality that he slides this under people’s radar. I accept that, but that doesn’t make him a decent person. I suppose on a scale of decency, he rates above murderers, torturers, and child rapists, but not much higher than the last one.
If anyone responds to you “But he’s a decent man,” reply back “He’s a decent man that gropes defenseless women and little girls.”
I’m afraid you are correct. They don’t see/recognize what he is doing and chalk it up to nervousness or shyness on the girls’ part, rather than him picking his victims.
Clothahump said"
Yes, you need to get in touch with your anger. Stop controlling it. Focus on how he makes you feel, how it is wrong, and build up your anger. It is okay to be angry about someone violating your space and person. Unleash the anger. I’m not saying go Thelma and Louise on him, but stand up for yourself.
THIS!
AClockworkMelon and Flyboy - I struggled over how I might say this but the best and least offensive way I could come up with is this… it would be wonderful if you would STOP with the snarky and insensitive comments, please! You’ve offered nothing to this thread except seemingly deliberate misunderstanding and accusations aimed at the OP. She’s obviously distressed about this situation and all you’ve succeeded in doing is to make her feel as if she needs to defend herself. That’s a really sad and disheartening position you’ve put her in and I hope that if someone you knew personally were going through something similar you would be more supportive. I hope… Now I’m sure you’re going to attack me, now. Go ahead. :D:D:D One more thing… so many people shouldn’t have to point this out to you, either.
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[SIZE=1]Men like Mr. Groper have become experts at choosing their victims over the years. I’ve known a couple of guys just like him.
A friend at church told me a story of an Uncle that used to hug her inappropriately, grinding his groin into her lower body, brushing her breasts and behind constantly. She had repeatedly asked and told him to stop, even telling her family how uncomfortable she was around him. They all laughed, saying “Oh he doesn’t mean anything by it. You’re just imagining things.” Her gut told her it was wrong and girls, our gut instinct is rarely if ever wrong about things like this!
She finally came up with a plan. The next time she saw him at a family gathering, she brought a straight pin…:D:D:D:D:D Once he had her in his"bear" hug, she stuck him with the pin right in the side, while he was in mid groin-grind! She said he jerked away from her like he’d been stuck with a hot poker! 
And what could he say or do about it? NOTHING! Could he complain to anyone about what she’d done? NOPE! Needless to say, he never did it again. At family functions, he avoided her like the plague.
So, Ms_Gnomer and anyone else that needs to fend off a creepy perv groper, keep a straight pin handy in your purse. It worked for her and it might work for you. If you try it and they dare say anything, lie and say you don’t know what they’re talking about.
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In the situation the OP found herself in I hope I would have said;
“Hey, Niece doesn’t have to hug anyone she doesn’t want to.” If the family members say you’re being difficult, just repeat the phrase. The kid hears it and that’s what’s important. Silence is consent and there’s obviously a web of it around this particular man. You’ve put a crack in the armour OP, so well done. I’m really glad you made that phone call and I can imagine what a difficult - but liberating - step it was.
Years ago out walking with my mum we witnessed a woman giving a child of around 4 a hard slap across the face, as he followed her she screamed obscenities at him - seems like she was drunk. I said to the child “what she’s doing is wrong, she doesn’t have the right to treat you like this.” My mum commented that I could be doing more harm than good since the mother could take the child home and beat him further for having talked to a stranger, or drawn attention to himself whatever.
What I think is that however fleeting the moment might be, the child realizes that someone is on their side. Letting a child know that something is wrong gives them strength, children are hostage to their upbringing - whatever happens in their home they think is normal even if it hurts or feels uncomfortable.
I had to kiss all kinds of grimy relatives - my kid did not.
Agreed, but don’t do it here except in the Pit. 
Let this also be my public apology to astro, as I was not intending to attack him. He made a response that I misinterpreted, and I let my anger get the best of me.
While I disagree with the mod action, I do want to apologize for hurting anyone’s feelings. All you had to go on were my words, and not what I meant.
LOL! Great idea! I love it!
My mother and her sisters were from the era where women still wore fancy hats when they dressed up for church and other special occasions. Each hat had a beautiful hat pin–a long pin with a decorative finial (end). I vaguely remember a couple of stories where my mother and her sisters laughed about having to use such a pin to stick a man not taking no for an answer. LOL! She could still act like a lady while showing him she meant business without ever having to say a word. Especially effective in a crowd if someone got funny. He would just slink off in pain…
I also remember riding a subway with a friend in the 70s when women all wore short skirts. It was crowded and we were standing, holding onto the floor-to-ceiling bar with people all around us. All of a sudden my friend had a funny look on her face. She reaches down between her legs. I hear a man groan in agony. When the doors opened at the next stop, a guy runs out. She then told me that she felt a hand between her legs. She couldn’t see whose hand it was, but she reached down and bent his finger back until it snapped… LOL!
I never did ask my friend where she got the idea to do this but it sure worked for her, too! And one of the great things about it was she didn’t have to say a thing, no ugly scene to deal with, just him slinking (good description!) off, never to grope her again.
Friend has now cancelled our lunch with no explanation (via email) … so I suppose that says a lot. We don’t normally email each other.
I’ll leave it up to her whether she chooses to contact me again … normally I might not talk to her for months … so it will be a while before I know if the friendship is completely dead … but I think it is likely.
I hate to say “I told you so,” but why not? She had to choose between you and her husband and she made her choice. Hopefully this is just a fluke cancellation, but seeing as she doesn’t usually email, probably not.
If you hate to say “I told you so” why do it? You just seem intent on being nasty.
I guess I’m just a nasty person.
You know in another thread you’ve been saying that a certain poster is being obnoxious and just can’t let things go sometimes? Well you often remind me of him.
Although he’s been here for a long time and often has lots of good to say, you’ve only been here a short time and I mostly see negative coming from you.
This thread was supposedly created to solicit advice on how best to help a child. I suggested talking to the child’s parents. Instead, the OP did nothing to help the little girl. But she spoke to the asshat’s wife, maybe something was accomplished there? I told her that that likely wouldn’t accomplish anything seeing as the wife had already been turning a blind eye to her husband’s behavior. Surprise, she’s now possibly lost a friend (though a friend that would stand for this isn’t much of a friend at all).
For all your positivity, nothing’s been done to help the child, the one who inspired this thread’s creation. I may be an obnoxious hypocrite but I’m the only one who didn’t give the OP thumbs up when she decided to be content doing nothing for the little girl.
I’m sorry to hear that your friend has reacted like this - hopefully she will realise she’s behaving badly and get back in contact soon. Maybe she just needs some time to sort things out at home - or maybe her husband is telling her how mad you must be and she’s listening. Either way, I think you still made the right decision by making that call and telling her what you did. You needed to look out for yourself, and you’ve done what you can to alert people to this guy’s behaviour - you’re not related to the little girl, you don’t know her parents well, your options with regard to her are limited. (If you do know her parents well, it’s worth saying something to them - by email or letter, perhaps, if that would be easier.)
Don’t change your mind about not seeing this guy again, even if it does mean your friendship ends. If your friend is willing to choose her abusive husband over her long-term friend, then that’s her choice. (In so far as she gets a choice - there may well be complicated dynamics in that relationship. If he’s abusive to you, a comparative stranger, he may not treat her well either.)
Look after yourself.
Sorry to hear this has happened, but you still did the right thing.
And let’s face it, do you really want to stay friends with someone who allows their significant other to act in that way?
I agree. Well said.
I’m glad you took the steps to make things right for you, Miss_Gnomer. I do feel bad for the wife, though. I mean, I know she’s in denial about how creepy her husband is but it can’t be easy to live with that. Which is not to say that you were wrong to tell her–just that it must be a tough spot to be put into. It’s not like an affair. Your SO didn’t make a little mistake–at heart, they’re a bad person.
Why do you think that the OP would have had more success talking to complete strangers when they were the ones pushing their daughter to hug Sir Grope-a-lot in the first place? At least she has a relationship with the wife, and a wife presumably would have more control over her husband’s behavior than some extended relatives who may or may not be completely insane.
I agree with sandra_nz. If the friendship fizzles because she is standing by her man, then that’s her loss, not the OP’s.
In my opinion, this woman has no control whatsoever over The Groper husband. According to the OP, this has been going on for quite sometime and he doesn’t hide his actions from his wife, doing his perv act right in front of her and everybody else.
Another possibility is that The Groper made his wife cancel the lunch. It’s also possible that this man is an abuser of women in more ways than one. If she’s afraid of him, then she’s not going to confront him about his behavior.
OR —
What if the wife is jealous of the OP? Even though she knows the OP has done nothing to encourage him, the wife sees the desire in her husband to “feel up” her friend. So many people twist blame around when personal feelings are involved. We’ve all seen it happen time and time again.
And surely she’s terribly embarrassed by what is happening. I know I would be if I were in her position.
Last but not least, I’m really sorry your friend canceled. If her husband is abusive, she needs all the support she can get but you have to take care of yourself, too. Proceed with caution and stick to the decision of not seeing this creep again. Keep a straight pin handy, just in case. 
Miss_Gnomer said:
Maybe a one off situation, something else unrelated. But if so, I’m sorry you have to lose a friendship, but your first priority is yourself.
AClockworkMelon said:
Factually incorrect, and your tone has been rather hostile about more than just that.
you with the face said:
Perhaps making them aware there is more going on than just shyness with an uncle? But you are right, it is unlikely they would listen to her when her friend won’t.