It is not rude to pay an unannounced personal call (aka “dropping in”) on a friend. Unless you know that they don’t happen to like unannounced personal calls. Then it is rude, and inconsiderate, and no “technically” about it.
Similarly, it is not rude to fail to answer the door or the phone if you don’t feel like receiving an unexpected visit/phone call. You aren’t required to hold open house at all times, not even to the extent of answering the door or the phone in order to say “sorry, this isn’t a good time right now”. There’s nothing rude about simply ignoring an unexpected caller. If the caller keeps knocking or ringing because they “know you’re there and are just ignoring me”, then they’re the ones being rude.
IMHO, what people need is to spend a little more time in their gardens, yards, and porch swings, which offer nice opportunities for minding your own personal business but still being more or less publicly presentable and available for a little drop-in socializing.
Of course, the problem is that “a little more time” is exactly what most people are having less and less of these days. There’s no longer that comfortable middle ground between “being out in public but busy with my own schedules and tasks” and “being shut up in my private living quarters, busy and/or exhausted and/or unfit for the eyes of non-residents” which used to provide a pleasant space for the “drop-in” social encounter.
I’m not aware that there was an era in which everyone was entitled to take up others’ time without any consideration for what they might be doing or whether it was convenient for them to socialize.
Friend Kimstu speaks my mind. Count me in to the “appreciates unexpected visitors” category, if only because they’re so rare. And no, I don’t feel obligated to drop everything to entertain them, either. We can talk while I cook or clean the dishes or do the laundry. My Dad used to make jams as presents for all his friends, then on Christmas Eve day, we’d go around and drop them off at people’s houses. Most people weren’t home, of course, but usually a few people were, and we’d often be invited in for cookies and conversation.
Who said anything about being entitled to take up someone’s time? For that matter, who said anything about being inconsiderate? You drop in for a visit if you’re in the neighborhood. If it’s not a good time, you leave. What, you think you have an obligation to entertain someone who shows up at your door? You don’t. “It’s great to see you, I’m sorry I don’t have any time to visit right now, give me a call tomorrow, we’ll get together some other time.”
Fuck’s sake, I just don’t understand why y’all feel you have to drop everything just because someone knocks on your door. Don’t blame it on them–they aren’t taking up your time, you’re choosing to spend it.
The problem is that while I ocasionally enjoy the unexpected visit very much that is not always the case. In fact when it is bad, it is dramatically bad.
What the dropper-inners fail to grasp is that it may be as inconvenient to them as it is for me. Now we have dramatic increases in gas prices, plus rationing; if they show up at my doorstep unnanounced I might not be here (or pretend not to be) and they would have wasted their time and money in an unproductive visit. The people that usually happen “to be in the neighborhood” are the type that when bored out of their wits see others as a source of entertainment, or free food and drinks, or both. Normally I don’t mind providing both, IF I have been given fair warning and the choice to decline.
I dunno here. If these people have been told call first, and they continue, then they are being rude. Myself, I have let my supper get cold when a friend called. Why? I like to talk to my friends. I am not some queen who must be made an appointment with. Tapping on the window is rude, for sure. When someone knocks unexpectedly, and I do not answer, thats my way of saying “don’t come over again ever,” otherwise, I will answer and say I’m sleeping or whatever and come again.
What happened to the genteel knock, is what I want to know?
tap, tap, tap-tap on the door is fine; I’ll hear it if I’m awake and come greet you politely, even if only to say “Sorry, I was just going to bed.”
BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM in a manner that suggests “Open up, police” is NOT acceptable. No, I can’t hear a polite tap from the bedroom, and that’s the POINT! I don’t WANT to hear you knocking in my sleep unless it’s your intention to wake me up, and it shouldn’t be your intention to wake me up unless you either (a) have an emergency, or (b) wish me to inform you that we’re not friends anymore and you’re not welcome at my house (because you don’t have an emergency but think that your entertainment is more important than my health).
Anyone who’s entitled to wake me up out of a sound sleep already has a key to my house. And what’s up with people thinking they have a right to disturb their friends’ sleep? I don’t expect my friends to come out of the bathroom and entertain me, I don’t expect them to come out of the bedroom and do the same, and I don’t think they should expect that of me! I don’t think it makes me “some queen who must be made an appointment with” to say that my sleeping (and pooping) should be sacrosanct.
Maybe other folks don’t have a problem waking up, telling others they’re busy sleeping, and going back to sleep, but as a day sleeper, it’s a bit tough for me; I don’t have a lot of time to sleep, and an hour wasted trying to get back to it can mean I’m exhausted that night and make stupid mistakes with important information-- and I’m not okay with that, either personally or professionally.
I need my sleep more than my friends need to chatter.
A friend of mine also hates people dropping by. Once she went to answer the door to be confronted by someone “dropping by”. Jane said to her, “You wouldn’t just drop in unannounced on any of your friends would you, so don’t do it to me mum.” And slammed the door in her face.
To the members of the School of Just Don’t Open the Door of Thought, while you are largely right about this method it doesn’t suit me very well. I live in a building, we constantly have delivery people ringing the intercom, most times ringing the wrong apartments (because they can’t fucking read), if they ring and I don’t answer they will keep ringing until the cows come home. And that MF intercom has a loud ring. So you see, I answer the intercom and voila! unexpected, unwanted visitor is downstairs. Now I can’t pretend I am not here.
It is much easier when the doorman is on duty and he lets them in, that way I can see through the peephole and decide whether I want to open the door or not.
And to anyone that has not taken care of an infant child 24/7 for months and think that I still should have the time, energy, inclination, disposition and wits left to receive unexpected visitors, may karma be visited upon you.
Audrey-
FYI, when I worked third shift, I did exactly that. My oldest sister simply would NOT understand that I worked 10pm until 10am 7on, 7 off. That meant I usually got to sleep around 11am and woke up at about 5 or 6pm. She would ring the phone in the middle of the afternoon or stop by ringing the doorbell, usually around 2pm. (3 hours into my sleep- just when I"m really getting into it.) I bitched and bitched to no avail, and finally around 4am at lunchtime, I called her house. I basically said the same thing she said to me “Hey lazybones, what are you doing in bed??? UP and at ‘em, do you know what time it is??? I’m on break at work and I feel like chatting! Whatcha doin’?”
It only took once for her to get the point. She knew damned well I’d call back the next night and every night therafter until she knocked it off. Man, I don’t know where people get the idea that if you’re asleep during the day and won’t answer the phone or the door that you’re some lazy slacker. Some of us don’t work the same hours you do- call ahead, and if no one answers, leave a message and DON’T CALL AGAIN OR STOP OVER!
I have no interest in droppers-by. I don’t answer the phone if I don’t feel like it (I even call-screen with the answering machine). I turn down some social invitations because I simply don’t feel like going. If people think I have a bad attitude because I choose how I spend my personal time rather than letting anyone else dictate it, that’s fine with me.
Well I respectfully disagree. I, like the OP, think is rude to pay an unannounced personal call. Unless you know that they don’t happen to mind unannounced personal calls. Semantics maybe, but I think it’s an important distinction.
I couldn’t agree more with OP in every regard. Especially the people who do call first, but then come over anyway when I don’t answer the phone. I have caller ID, if I wanted to talk to you or see you, I would have answered the phone in the first place. Actually, if I wanted to talk to you or see you, I’d have probably called you in the first place.
What really chaps my hide, though, is when somebody calls, I don’t answer, they come over and knock, I don’t answer, they go around to the front door and knock, I don’t answer, and they peak through the window and see me sitting on the couch in my underwear working on my laptop, angrily ignoring them.
We have the same problem. I’m a houseleech and I don’t work outside the home, so I’m available to my friends at almost anytime during the week to sit and chat with them.
My husband is an OTR truck driver and he only gets home on the weekends. When he’s home, we like to relax and have some family time.
My husband likes to sleep in on the weekend. It never fails, that on Saturday and Sunday morning, there is always someone coming by to visit, banging on the door, wanting to be let in, and ready to sit down with a cup of coffee and wanting to chat. Well, I finally had to tell people to NOT do this anymore. They didn’t all listen, and a few would come by without calling first.
I had to put a stop to it. When they came by and commenced to banging on the door until someone answered it, they were told by either myself or my husband, that we were just getting ready to have sex and we couldn’t chat. Maybe they could call us later on and we’d get together for coffee! They didn’t call back all weekend!
As for the ones that DID come back without calling first…Well, our daughter would answer the door and tell them that, “Mom and Dad are having sex again. Could you maybe call them later on?”
Our daughter LOVES to mess with people and she has no qualms about telling someone that. Believe it or not, our daughter enjoys spending time with her mom and her dad, when he gets home, and will get a bit miffed when people come by unannounced on the weekends, as they are infringing on her time with her family.
The excuse of ‘we’re having sex right now’ really does work. For us, anyway! Sure, 99% of the time it is a bold-faced lie. But, they don’t know that! You’d be amazed on how fast they apologize and quickly scuttle off to their cars to leave!
Wow. All weekend? Didn’t you get sore after a few hours?
I do not receive callers unannounced. My friends know this, and, as they are my friends they respect my wishes. Those who do not know this about me can knock until their knuckles bleed; if I am not expecting a visitor I will not answer. Voila`!
One of my gal-pals invited herself over to my house 2 hours before a scheduled happy hour at a local restaurant (via email, the only way I make plans).
I wrote her back and explained to her that it wasn’t a good idea since I had scheduled conference calls and a stove that was delivered and sitting in the middle of my kitchen…and that I would just have to meet her at the time I said I would.
Her reply was that she didn’t care if I had calls, that she would bring a book and “entertain” herself in my house until I was free. :eek:
My oh my.
The other was a guy who called and invited us to grab a beer and burger and then asks us to pick him up at his house…way outta the way. That was just rude, IMO.
I am notorious for NOT answering my phone. My friends learn quick that the only reason to call is if they don’t have email handy…and never before 10am.
I agree with the bulk of your assessment. Then again, I come from a very Eastern European family where droppers-in were very common and treated warmly. “A guest in the house, God in the house,” as the old saying went.
I actually miss the unexpected guest. Nobody drops by anymore without calling me first. It’s very simple. If somebody drops by, and I don’t feel like seeing anyone, I just don’t answer the door. They normally go away. I don’t know what kind of nutcases you lot hang around with that ring, knock, peer around glass.
If I ever drop by anyone’s house unanounced (something I don’t do very often in America, but did every fairly regularly in Hungary), I ring once. If no one answers, I go home. Simple enough.
Like I said in the post, I communicate mainly with text-messaging; I can’t talk on the phone where I work, and b/c of the hours I work, the hours I’m there are when everyone wants to get in touch with me.
Either that or someone wants to talk to me while I’m asleep; they KNOW I’m asleep, and they know that if they text me, I’ll get back to them…but I don’t ever answer the phone if it wakes me up. I’m barely human at that point; the last thing I want to do when I have just woken up is talk on the freakin’ phone.
So if that makes me a nutjob, so be it. I’m still not picking up the phone.
I hate unexpected visitors. This weekend, my doorbell rang four times. The first time, I had to leave in 10 minutes. The second time, I was in the process of cleaning my house, and was filthy. The third time, I was in the shower. The fourth time, I was suffering from the stomach flu, and my husband was napping. I didn’t answer any of the times. If these people couldn’t call in advance, that was their own problem. See, if you’re polite enough to call first, it gives me time to get cleaned up, put a bra on, get the laundry off the dining room table, and whatever preparations need to be made for guests. I don’t care if you don’t mind a house that’s a little untidy. It matters to me.
The best was the last time the doorbell rang, last evening. I was hovered over the toilet and could hear everything. They rang the doorbell twice. Then they knocked. Then they rearranged the lawn chairs in my backyard and waited for us to either answer or come home. Then they opened the door, and hollered inside, “Housekeeping!” The whole time I just wanted to burst out of the bathroom and scream, “Go fuck yourselves!” but I was too busy puking.
Fine, but be warned that etiquette conventions still generally disagree with you, which is what I presumed ntucker meant by the “technically”. Technically, it isn’t ill-mannered to use a friend’s or relative’s publicly-accessible sidewalk, walkway, apartment lobby, and doorbell/knocker to make a brief polite attempt to get that person’s attention and offer him/her an opportunity for spontaneous socializing.
You’re darn tootin’ that the people who persist in trying to get your attention after the first attempt has failed are being rude, though. And people who peek in your window to find out if you’re really not there or just ignoring them are beyond rude.
Maybe if enough people decide they hate the whole concept of dropping-in, or enough inconsiderate callers abuse the practice to such an extent that they make everybody else hate it, then etiquette will have to decree that the whole custom is ipso facto incorrect and unsanctioned, except for those who specifically say they don’t mind being dropped in on. That would be a pity, IMHO; the spontaneous visit is kind of a nice old custom when people don’t overuse or abuse it.
