In itself, it’s not. But I think this custom dates back to an earlier time in a considerably different world. Spontaneous socializing was very much a convention at some times and places - sitting on the porch and visiting with passersby is an image preserved in any novel taking place in the South. But it makes sense in that world and less so now: when your friends and acquaintances were neighbors and you could simply walk past their house, and in particular when people kept the same schedules, it was a different matter. Now to spontaneously visit someone still probably involves a trip in the car in most communities. And I think that - for better or for worse - this creates a sense of obligation on the part of the visitee. When a friend drives twenty minutes to come see me out of the blue, I can’t help but feel like I’m a bit obligated to see them. Some might argue that that’s a sign that I lack assertiveness, but I would say that if someone goes to some effort to come see me, it’s not the same as if they simply walk a block to my house. Of course I’m not obligated to see them - but I think it’s natural for people to feel in some sense that they owe it to someone who went out of their way. That feeling of obligation together with the knowledge that they are not technically obligated quite naturally breeds a certain resentment; if I feel that someone placed an obligation upon me, I’m liable to feel imposed upon.
What worked in a small town fifty years ago doesn’t work as well today when we’re all running different hours and driving cars to get everywhere.
I’m the type of person who winds down completely when I get home. I let down my hair (if you can do that to a fro), jump in the shower and put on pajamas, and become very introspective and pensive.
I’m also a giant slob, especially since I live alone. I clean my apartment real good about once a month (it borders on just barely sanitary throughout the week). At any given moment, I might have a sinkful of dishes in the kitchen, a million strands of hair on the bathroom floor, a pile of papers and books on the floor, and a bedroom carpeted with every garment I’ve ever owned. I’m used to living in such chaos, but it’s not the kind of thing I want to show off.
The above reasons explain why I don’t like unexpected visitors. If you knock on my door and you’re not on fire or being chased by a monster, then I’m not going to answer. Sorry.
Well said! Do some affirmations with Excalibre so he can get over his feeling of guilt when he doesn’t let the visitors in. Seriously, I sympathize with all the kind people who feel obligated to do something they don’t want to do because they feel bad that someone else’s time should be wasted, but you gotta stand firm.
Welcome the dropper-inners if you like their visits. Sturdily ignore them if you don’t. (Oh yeah, and it never hurts to give your friends polite hints about whether you’re generally a pro- or anti-dropper-inner.) Do not feel obligated to do otherwise.
And for all the dropper-inner types themselves, a few golden words of advice: IF YOU DON’T GET A RESPONSE THE FIRST TIME, THEN GO THE FUCK AWAY. IF THE RESPONSE IS “I’m so sorry, it’s not a good time for me right now”, THEN GO THE FUCK AWAY.
Those of you who are upset about getting phone calls at inopportune times–have you considered just turning off the ringer on the phone? Or, for those of you using cell phones, how about just turning off the phone entirely? You can always check your messages when you wake up, are free, etc.
And, Audrey–what about people who want to get in touch with you who can’t text message you?
Had I turned off my phone last December, I would’ve missed my last chance to talk with my dying grandmother. Why should I have to miss emergency calls from my family in order to avoid rudeness like people who call over and over? That’s like nailing my house door shut and painting over it to avoid JWs, and exiting through the window.
No it doesn’t…or at least it shouldn’t. Drop-ins are supposed to be unexpected stops on both parts. If I ever drop in to somebody’s house, it’s because I happen to be in the neighborhood running an errand. Frankly, I don’t care whether the person is home or not. It’s just an “oh, I was in the neighborhood, wanted to see if you’re home and wanted to chat.” Pretty much all my close friends are cool with it–in fact, I can’t think of a single one that minds drop-ins. However, the ubiquity of cell phones has changed the frequency of drop-ins to pretty much nil. It’s not something I need to do anymore, as I can check if somebody is home and willing to entertain easily enough without going through the trouble of actually ringing their doorbell.
I cannot think of a time ever when I got in my car and drove a half hour to “sponataneously” visit someone. If you’re going out of your way with the express purpose of driving to somebody’s house unannounced, that’s odd.
Do you know that for a fact? I am sure almost all the dropper-bys don’t think they are been rude. They probably think that what they are doing is OK, but the fact of the matter is that their victims will probably have better manners and tact than they do, so they never get to find out how utterly rude they are.
Making your wishes known without offending the dropper-inners is like walking the high rope. Wouldn’t it be easier if they just assumed that their friends might have things to do, other than waiting for them to show up unannounced? Everybody has cel phone these days, a short “can I drop by your place?” call will save everyone a lot of aggravation, including the dropper-by. And of course, if they don’t answer the phone just don’t fucking show up at their doorstep.
I really don’t want to fight with you, but sheesh, whose “etiquette conventions”?
I still disagree. Now more than ever.
Without counting per se, this thread should show that in general that close to half of the people don’t like people to just show up and bother us.
Think of it like this:
If half of the people don’t like you to grab their butt, but half do, are you going to go around grabbing people’s butts? Maybe you should take a poll if you still don’t believe it.
If you are so inclined, count the pros verses cons, and tell me again.
What makes you think that people are so happy to drop everything? That fake smile?
Firstly, ringing someone’s doorbell doesn’t constitute assault or sexual harrassment.
Second, once i’ve grabbed your butt, there’s nothing you can do to reverse the action or remove its consequences. But, as people have pointed out, when i ring your doorbell you can easily refuse to answer the door, or you can answer it and tell me that you’re busy and you see me now.
The OP and others in this thread are amazed at the “rudeness” of people who just drop by. Fair enough. Personally, i am amazed at the number of people who are so insecure in their friendships that they can’t just tell the unexpected visitor “Now’s not a good time,” and leave it at that.
Yes, I do. I don’t come from a culture with really strict personal boundaries, and many of my friends are along the same lines. They drop in on me. I drop in on them. Like I said, with cell phones and all, it doesn’t happen much any more, because there’s no need. You can check if someone’s home and willing to socialize simply by calling. There is no obbligation to host the guest. I didn’t go out of my way to drop by your house. I was just in the neighborhood and wanted to see if you’re home. No biggie. If somebody is not in the mood, they simply say “now’s not a good time.” Seriously, it’s not that difficult, and no feelings are hurt.
This puzzles me, too. And I think your cultural background has a lot to do with it.
Miss Manners’s, who is, as far as I’m concerned, the official and final arbiter of what constitutes conventional etiquette.
Unfortunately for my position in this argument, though, when I went to refresh my memory by looking up what she actually said on the subject of drop-in visits, I found that in fact she agrees with you and not with me:
That settles it, as far as recognized etiquette conventions are concerned. Dropping in does still have some advantages and some charming aspects, and may still be freely practiced among friends who voluntarily subscribe to it. But it is indeed officially deemed incorrect in American society, and therefore shouldn’t be practiced on strangers or on friends who haven’t asked for it. Please consider everything I said to the contrary contradicted.
And please allow me to supplement my former advice to dropper-inners: DO NOT PAY UNANNOUNCED VISITS TO ANYBODY, UNLESS YOU KNOW THEY DON’T MIND IT. OTHERWISE, DROPPING IN ON PEOPLE IS RUDE.
However, this doesn’t change the fact that it is still fine to welcome dropper-inners if you want to, and it is still fine to ignore their knocking or ringing if you don’t.
I’d say it’s more of a “traditional societies” thing. In India, the whole culture is geared toward the idea that people will drop by.
There, it’s considered “rude and thoughtless” to be so self-involved that you would prefer to engage in solitary pleasure rather than interact with other people.
Gawd. I had an across-the-hall neighbor who did this multiple times a day, every fuckin’ day…right after my son was born. You know the kind of tired you are when you’ve just had a baby and you want to sleep when he’s sleeping? Well, she’d be banging on my freekin’ door. It drove me insane. I hate the drop in. It sucks. Call me.
I use my cell phone as my alarm clock, so turning it off isn’t an option. And there are times when I’m expecting to hear from certain people and it has to be on anyway.
As for people who can’t text-message me…I don’t regularly communicate with anybody who doesn’t text. All of my friends do. And all I ask of the ones who don’t text-message is not to call me at eleven-thirty in the morning! If you want to phone me, feel free, but don’t do it at an hour when you KNOW I’m trying to sleep. Like I said, there is an apparently universal tendency to disrespect the sleep of anybody who gets their sleep at an unconventional time. Like, regardless of the fact that I get home from work at five in the morning, and I get to bed around six or seven or even eight, it’s still somehow just wrong that I’m asleep at one o’clock in the afternoon…and thus it’s okay to call me because I “should get up anyway” or something.
It’s the equivalent of me calling the “average person” at four in the morning, and I think everyone would agree that of course that’s extraordinarily thoughtless and rude, and there better be some kind of emergency to disturb someone at an hour like that.
I think it’s equally rude to disturb me at one in the afternoon, and I don’t feel any compunction to answer those calls.
While I agree with you that your acquaintances should respect your sleep schedule, doesn’t your phone let you set it to only recieve phone calls from certain people? I have the cheap-ass crap phone AT&T included with the plan, and it lets me do that.
Most of the time, I have mine set to recieve from family only. I check my messages frequently, and I’m not in a position where anyone other than a family member would need to get in touch with me right away.
