I almost always call first.
I hate people dropping by at my place, it makes me nuts.
I like people dropping by but I feel awkward because I’m not much of a conversationalist. I only feel free to drop by my sister’s house because I never feel like anyone else would welcome me like that either :o
This is very circumstance dependent for me. My dad’s parents have always been people you drop in on. If you want to be sure to find someone in particular, I s’pose you’d call ahead, but they were a 3 minute drive away, and usually we took our chances.
In dorm or times when you have friends in apartments really near each other, my experience has been that dropping by’s acceptable.
Where I am now, I’d be highly surprised to find someone at the door; most of the people I know well enough to be comfortable with them dropping in / dropping in on them are far enough away that phone calls and plans are really a must.
So unless there was precedent/an understanding, I’d call first. And definitely err on the side of calling before stopping by.
I do not do it or like it.
This thread really is making me depressed. I really hope that I never grow into being someone who hates the very thought of people just dropping by. If you’re busy and someone drops by, just ask them to come back another time. I really have difficulty understanding why one would be genuinely upset that someone dropped by unannounced.
Like mhendo said about the messy house scenario, if your friends are actually judgemental enough that they will think less of you because of some dirty clothes laying around, I think that is the actual problem, not that they just dropped by.
Low Key, what if I’m taking an extended crap? Or having sex? Or crying? You can’t always drop what you’re doing to go politely brush off some goober at the door.
I can’t speak for anyone else, but my issues about dropping in and being dropped in on came from not having my privacy respected as a kid. I come from a big family where everybody is always dropping in on everyone else, and everyone is all up in everyone else’s business, and I just don’t like that. When people in my family just “show up” I can’t help but feel that it is because they are looking for “dirt” on me. My friends know how I feel, and they respect that, and I do likewise.
Plus, I have always felt that calling before visiting someone - even in a college dorm room - makes the visit a bit more special. Like, “I know we’re not really going to do anything but watch ‘Monty Python and the Holy Grail’ again, but I would like to do this particular bit of nothing with you in particular.”
Don’t answer the door. I wouldn’t be upset at whoever it was that dropped by. Bad timing is just something that we have to deal with at times… it shouldn’t mean, never do anything unplanned or spontaneous because the person I want to see could be having sex or taking a crap, or…
I’ll admit I’m not a very sociable person at the best of times. I don’t enjoy getting phone calls either.
I have some friends, but I tend to compartmentalize my time at home as being just for me and my kids. I’d rather do friend-time at work or on Saturday night or whatever.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately - especially since last night, when my friend dropped by just as we were on our way out to go grocery shopping. He had a case of beer in his hand, and he ended up coming grocery shopping with us and then getting us drunk. It all worked out very well.
I am amazed to see some of the venom coming out of some people ! If you’re having sex or can’t be bothered visiting or are embarassed about the state of your house - don’t answer the door, for goodness sakes !
My husband (from one of those drop-by-anytime cultures) has friends who drop by unexpectedly all the time. Yes, it is annoying sometimes but I think it can work out well if both parties are respectful of the other.
I think this (like most other social practices) needs to be guided by some strict, mutually-understood rules.
For the dropper:
- Ring once. If no-one answers (even if you can hear them breathing on the other side of the door), leave.
- Take hints. If they come to the door frazzled or frenzied or uninterested or whatever, leave. Ask if they have a moment to hang out. Ask again. Only when it becomes absolutely clear that they are happy to see you, should you make yourself at home.
- Bring something - cookies, wine, flowers. This will (a) give you an excuse for dropping by and (b) make them much happier to see you.
- Do not expect their house (or them) to be company-ready.
- Don’t expect to be lavishly entertained, to be fed or offered anything but water or maybe a popsicle, to collect gossip on their housekeeping skills. Do not overstay your welcome. Do not monopolize their phone (yes, Husband’sFriend, I’m looking at you !). If they are clearly in the middle of something, offer them a hand. Etc.
For the dropee:
- Don’t answer the door if you don’t want to.
- If you have to answer the door because you are expecting a legitimate guest, and you really don’t want to entertain the person who’s come over, be honest. Say ‘I’d love to invite you in but …’
- Don’t be embarassed about the state of your house. Really. They are coming to see you, not to spy or to collect gossip on your housekeeping skills. If you suspect otherwise - don’t invite them in !
- Don’t drop everything you’re doing (or change your plans at all) to play host. They’re not expecting that either (see above re: if you suspect otherwise). Put them to work if you’re in the middle of something. Send them out for a pizza/bottle of wine if they haven’t brought one already. Be honest with yourself and with them - it’s your house, and you always have the right to say ‘Piss off, I want to be alone now.’
- Don’t ever say ‘Drop in anytime!’ if you don’t mean it !
- cowgirl, happily both dropper and dropee
I don’t know if you have a grasp of exactly how much of a pit my house is right now. I would not feel comfortable visiting in any house that was as untidy—er, let’s get down to brass tacks—as filthy as ours is at the moment. It’s been in steady decline for about three months since we’ve both been working two jobs (each), and we’ve finally hit the point where my husand and I (both serious slobs) feel that it is a moral imperative that we clean it up. Rock bottom occurred about a week ago. Slowly it’s starting to become habitable again.
If I dropped in on a friend whose house was in similar condition, I would not judge them, since I did drop in uninvited, and I know that sometimes work and other things get in the way of keeping a tidy abode. But I would feel uncomfortable there—and I would feel very bad about imposing on my friends when they were not prepared to entertain.
I don’t mind my friends seeing my house when it’s a bit untidy. In fact, at its tidiest, our house is really just at the Fairly Well-Organized end of the Rather Untidy range. But I’m trying to avoid any guests seeing our house with a visible layer of cat-hair in low-traffic areas of the carpet, dirty clothes completely covering the floor at one end of the upstairs hallway, and dirty dishes piled on every horizontal surface in the kitchen. They would be uncomfortable, and that would make me a bad host.
Podkayne, it’s good to know someone else is living in Slob Hell!
I miss the old days when we would just “drop in”. I knew lots of people in our old neighborhood and it was normal just to drop in and hang out for awhile.
If I was cleaning the house, washing dishes, cooking dinner, whatever, they would come in, sit in the kitchen and talk while I worked. I’d hand them an onion and a chopping block “get busy you!” and they would. If you helped making dinner you sat and ate too.
If there was some real reason I didn’t want company, I just wouldn’t answer the door, or if they knew I was home (the radio or TV was on) I’d just open the door, say “Now is not a good time, go away” and they would. No hard feelings. But I guess we’re just a thick skinned people. :rolleyes: