It’s good that you put the qualification “some” in here.
I have been with a partner who just likes jerking off, alone or in company, whatever… and sometimes he prefers it to sex. I don’t have an issue with this… sometimes I feel the same way. Chock me up as one of the chicks that doesn’t care if my s/o looks at porn, masturbates to it - I don’t care… doesn’t phase me, and I like that the men who’ve indulged that I’ve been with have been more sexually liberated.
And, I’m a bigger girl - I don’t really feel threatened by porn. But I understand women who do. I tend to sort of think that no matter how good that chick looks on screen, I still give better head than some static jpeg or moving video
DH and I have radically different sex drives–he definitely has more, and I definitely have less. He has also been using porn for longer than we’ve known each other, including watching videos at sex stores before the availability of free videos/pictures on the Internet.
When we first started getting serious, I had the option of telling him to stop the porn. Instead, I realized that he was a grown man, with his own preferences, so I explored it with him a little before making any decisions. We have watched porn together, and it was very enjoyable for both of us. I even tried to communicate to him that I did not feel at all threatened by his use of porn, since it seemed to satisfy a need that I could not always meet.
We have two kids now, and both of us work full-time. I suffer from depression and anxiety attacks, both of which decrease my “libido” to some extent (and anti-depressants only make it worse!). Between the depression and my own work schedule, my sex drive is even lower than it was than we first met, and I don’t see any realistic way to change that until at least one of the kids is “out of the nest”.
I would much prefer that my husband satisfy his needs with porn and/or masturbation occasionally than for him to insist that I help him satisfy those needs all the time, or even worse, that he turn to someone else. However, in the last two or three years, he has pretty much sworn off porn, and he gave up masturbation soon after we got married. He does seem to equate “lust” with “love” to some extent, though. I know he loves me, and he has gone above and beyond trying to prove that to me. However, I feel very inadequate in trying to appease his lust on my own, since my own body just doesn’t respond as well as the women in his porn videos did.
For the record, I do love him very much, and I really only want him to be happy about the fact that he married me and chose to spend the rest of his life with me. I just wish I could satisfy him sexually, too.
I have delt with depression and, in the past, sexual disfunction issues, and I can sympathize with your concners. I had a partner that seemed to equate porn/masturbation with some sort of guilt over my own inexperience to have the same level of pleasure he did. It was a constant source of stress and frustration. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this, and I know this is a hijack, but… when I was dealing with the side effects of sexual response depletion from depression, a doctor prescribed a testosterone cream for me which finally gave me back a sex drive, and miraculously - the ability to orgasm.
I had assumed you were a guy…just wanted to use your experience as a segue in the conversation. Though it is odd to find a gent that is less into visual stimulation- it’s one of those cliches that men are visual creatures. I know that I fall pretty squarely into this category.
TV Time, actually, I’m a guy that prefers written porn to most picture porn as well, but Ghanima had mentioned that she found pictures she found upsetting, and was told they were text-based downloads without previews, or that’s how it read to me. Just to clarify.
Ghanima, I am glad you found a solution with your SO, and I hope you understand that I was not trying to cause problems. The main reason it raised flags is that, in my youth, I used the same excuse with a (now ex) G/F who didn’t share the same tastes that I did (all legal, BTW). It’s not that I wanted to lie to her, but I was embarassed, ashamed at her dislike of my tastes, and it was a quick way to defuse a potentially ugly situation. The fact that you and your S/O communicated and then worked things out shows that your relationship was far different from my own at that time. Thankfully, my wife and I are very open with each other, and I don’t have to worry about such things now.
I think I would be more freaked out if my husband stopped looking at porn and masturbating. Honestly, I don’t really care what he does in his spare time, whether that be looking at porn or playing video games.
Well, of course. I was just replying to CrazyCatLady’s assertion that the woman wasn’t into sex because she was so busy; I wasn’t trying to address every single reason why their sex life might be off balance.
You just made our point: porn is make believe. How anyone can equate watching porn to cheating is completely beyond me. As FaerieBeth pointed out, looking at porn (and liking it) doesn’t mean that I want to be with anyone but my BF.
I also think that being in a relationship doesn’t mean you’ll never be attracted to anyone but your SO ever again; that is unrealistic. There’s a difference between love and lust, neither of which goes away just because the other exists for someone else.
I’m a “bigger girl,” too, but I truly don’t understand women who feel threatened by porn just because they don’t look like the women in the pictures/videos. There are so many better things to be insecure about.
“Gave up” masturbation? :eek: Why would anyone do such a thing? Was it his idea?
Yeah, really. It’s his spare time. How is me stopping him from looking at porn any different than him stopping me from looking at it? And upon reflection, he only *looks * at it. I look at it & read/write literotica, slash, submit my own to other people, read other people’s, exchange it.
Our sex drives have differed drastically over the years. Started out that his was much higher than mine, and he looked at porn those extra times and we were happy. Then we went through a phase where ours was about equal. Now as I reach my 30’s mine is higher…so I look at porn if I need to.
If he’s looking at it to the exclusion of you, of course that’s a problem. But how many women get mad when they catch their SO looking at it, even though they weren’t in the mood at that point? Simply the mere fact of looking gets them riled up, no matter what his intentions were.
Too many women try to change their man. Put it this way, why would you expect him to give up any other hobby when you get married? If he looked at porn before, why would he suddenly have to stop? How would you like it if he made you stop one of your hobbies - not you choosing to stop, him telling you to stop.
I just don’t see how she can be so harsh on him about the porn when she’s not willing to have sex with him enough to satisfy his needs. Part of being in a relationship is making sure your partner is satisfied, or being ok with letting he/or she get it out of their system somehow.
“I’m not going to have sex with you, but I’m going to get pissed off if you look at porn.”
That’s unreasonable. I would say the OP needs to get with someone whose sex drive equals his. Once a week would be a dealbreaker for me. I’d be in pain if I had to wait that long and practically beg for it when I did get it. No f’n way.
I agree with this. The ultimatum is what bothers me. It shoud be “My sex drive does not equal yours. I understand that, and can’t change that. However, you can do what you need, barring cheating, to satisfy yourself.”
I don’t recall the OP saying he had to beg for sex.
I also don’t recall the OP saying that his partner makes him beg.
Nobody ever died d/t lack of sexual satisfaction–I don’t buy the argument that you HAVE to have sex, so I am really not with you here. I am also a little tired of the premise that because someone isn’t panting for sex every day that they must be sexually inadequate or have emotional issues or whatever.
Here’s an idea–how about they talk about the issue and come to a compromise that works for them.
I really dislike putting numbers on all this–it’s like that old Woody Allen movie (with Diane Keaton)
Woody-“we never have sex; we have it 3 times/week!”
Diane-“we always have sex; we have it 3 times/week!”
How often is an issue to be worked out by both partners–Neither should feel that they have to “give it up” (God, what a phrase!-so much for a mutual experience in bed) just so the other partner is satisified–that is the way to resentment outside the bedroom, as I well know.
Should she be trying to control his porn watching? Probably not–depends on the porn. If it’s kiddie porn or something that really bothers her–it needs to be discussed. For example-if he is watching snuff films involving red haired women and she’s a redhead–well, I would have an issue with that, myself!
His best bet, IMO, is to REASSURE her–even if he thinks he shouldn’t have to–he does indeed “have to”, if he wants the relationship to continue.
And she needs to lighten up a bit, but maybe she can’t w/o that reassurance (it needs to be repeated–a one time reassurance means almost nothing).
I don’t mind if mrAru surfs for porn, or we rent it and watch it together [some is fit only for inducing paralyzing fits of giggle, other is good for getting new ideas from=)] as long as we have fun in bed that is what matters. We have a policy of honesty, and as I had told him before, when he was still active duty navy - he could indulge overseas as long as he didn’t bring anything home and give it to me. If he was TDA somewhere [he spent 14 months in Portsmouth ME, and another couple of long stretches in Kings Bay for various schools or sub refits] he could indulge. Just because I am not there doesn’t mean he should go without relief. I have never asked if he got any or just whacked off - I am not really the jealous type, nor am I really interested in finding out if he did…and same with me when he was gone - he never asked and I never discussed.
FWIW, it seems to work with us - married almost 15 years now, and still acting like newlyweds=)
And it’s not judgmental to say that looking at porn is equal to cheating? Or to say that it’s wrong for a man to look at porn if he’s in a relationship? Is that not a value judgement of the person and the action? If it’s not, I don’t know what is.
At the risk of making a value judgement myself, that’s a great attitude to have, IMO. And it’s absolutely true. In the end, what seperates a good boyfriend from a bad one (in the masturbation department, at least) is that they want you more than they want porn–nothing to do with whether or not they want porn at all.
BTW, I absolutely disagree with those who say that it’s their fault if their SO watches porn or masturbates. It’s not–it’s Mother Nature’s fault for connecting hands to our arms and encouraging us to think of interesting ways to use them. I think it’s very true that frequency of masturbation is connected directly to the amount of sex one has–but that’s not about putting blame on one person or another, that’s about a difference in sexual desire that can be reconciled in healthy ways such as compromise or masturbation.
I don’t, either. I know that I don’t look like the guys that girls fawn over in movies and on TV, and I know I don’t look like Derek Jeter or Khalil Greene or whomever. Presumably, though, a woman I date can get over it because we have other connections to each other and have something deeper than toned muscles, big boobs or tiny waistlines. Looking at porn doesn’t mean I don’t like the way you look, any more than you going to a Brad Pitt movie means you don’t like the way I look.
My wife doesn’t have a problem with me looking at, er, using porn. We occasionally partake together, though as another poster mentioned, it usually ends up being more MST3K than arousing. My wife and I have different sex drives, and self-release, in addition to being marvelously self-sufficient, can help make the differences in our libidos a non-issue.
My brother’s wife on the other hand (ha!) is extremely threatened by porn. I once suggested getting my brother a subscription to Playboy (which barely qualifies, IMO) but she refused. I then suggested Maxim and she wouldn’t allow that either. If it was some moral stance I would understand (I would disagree) but she is very threatened by my brother looking at images of other women. The end result is that he still looks at porn, but behind her back and then lies to her about it, which in my book is actual betrayal- but a betrayal I sympathize with. I won’t psychologize and guess as to what her issues are, but it can’t be good for either other them.
It seems to me that if porn isn’t replacing intimacy in the relationship, then one’s opposition to it (outside of moral outrage) would be a warning sign.
I hate people telling me stuff like this. If I want to, and it doesn’t hurt anyone, including myself, then why should I conform to someone’s *idea * of what it means to be an adult? I’ll be an adult in the way I choose, thankyouverymuch.
