I don’t like the process, but I like aquiring aquaintanships and friends.
I give people the benefit of the doubt, and lend them trust until they prove me wrong.
A few of the people I know don’t deserve my trust. They are two-faced. But I can handle them. I play along with their friendliness (and consider them still friends) all the time knowing that they may go off and take credit for my work, or play down my importance and play up theirs. I am forgiving those as unfortunate personal traits/habits.
I’ve come more to accept it rather than relish it, and really, the vast majority of the time it’s a good thing. I do still prefer doing it in small groups rather than in large groups.
I’m learning to trust people more and more each day. The level of trust goes up as time and interactions pass, however. I’m not going to confidently trust someone I met yesterday with my life, but I may trust someone I met five years ago with my life.
In a way, I think that people are more deserving of my confidence than my emotions allow, but I also think a graduated approach to trust serves me well too. It would definitely help me to be more of a people person, but on the other hand, I’m working on it.
I don’t have any problem meeting new people (other than that I can’t remember names worth a darn), but in general social occasions bore me silly. I’m not shy, and I don’t think I’m lacking in social skills; I’m just not very interested.
What I don’t understand is all this about trust. What’s to trust or not trust in a social acquaintance? The worst they can do to you (other than hurt your feelings - more anon) is demonstrate that they are or are not reliable in things like showing up. If they aren’t, you decide if the acquaintance is worth the annoyance, and drop or keep them accordingly. I suppose you could tell them secrets and have them tell everyone. Outside of highschool or other very restricted communities, I’ve never seen that anyone much cares enough about other people’s secrets. Personally, I don’t really have anything interesting enough to bother hiding - if you want to know something about me, just ask!
As for hurting your feelings, well, the only insults (intentional or not) that can hurt me are ones that are true. If they bother me because they’re true, that’s not really the other person’s fault, is it? I mean, if it were something that I truly couldn’t help, like an innate disfigurement or such - but where outside of the school yard bully do you meet someone who is that cruel?
What’s to trust or not to trust? I’m serious here. What are you offering up or putting forth that is so precious that anyone would want to steal it or destroy it? In what way are you making yourself vulnerable?
I’m sorry, but to me paranoia, and even acute shyness, are to some extent forms of ego-centrism. Unless you are *very * remarkable, most people, especially strangers, don’t care enough one way or another to want to hurt you or to think badly of you.
My attitude towards others has largely been “I’m not ok, but neither is anyone else, so that’s okay.” In other words, tolerant cynicism. So far it has worked fine for me.
I didn’t mean to misrepresent what you said, ninetypercent. What I meant to illustrate was a basic difference in attitudes toward people.
By one way of thinking, people are good, and when they behave badly, it’s contrary to their basic nature. By another way of thinking, people are bad, and when they behave as if they were good, that’s in opposition to their basic nature.
My question to this community, rephrased, is with which attitude you more closely identify. Of anyone whose reply includes a phrase like “People suck” or “People are not, in general, good”, we can reasonably assume they fall into the second category.
I can’t speak for ninetypercent, but my own take is that people are for the most part well-meaning, self-centered, and lazy. I don’t know anyone who goes out of his or her way to hurt another person. I know lots of people who, in little ways, show that they don’t think much about other people - they hog the conversation, never remember things about their friends, forget engagements (dates, not betrothals), etc. And I know lots of people, myself included, who are really too lazy to make much of an effort for anyone but their closest.
I’ve noticed that no one is a villain in his or her own eyes. They may do what you consider the nastiest, most evil thing you can imagine. But if you ask them, you’ll find that they have a way of thinking about it that leaves them, at worst, morally neutral - at least in their own mind. Heinlein once said “Man is not the rational animal; he is the rationalizing animal.” I think that sums it up.
This sounds just like me! My bf would totally agree with the first part too… now that I’ve opened up, I never shut up!
Anyway, in response to the OP:
I do like meeting people under certain circumstances. I’m really good at meeting people in classroom-type settings. (Too bad I’m not in school any more.) And I can do well at luncheons or anywhere people are sitting at a table. However, the “cocktail party” setting sucks. I CANNOT walk around a room meeting and talking to new people.
I generally trust people but don’t risk anything big until I get to know people really well. I tend to rely on myself for anything big and not trust anyone to do anything that I really care about. But in small things, I do trust people until proven otherwise.
Do you like meeting people? If so, why, and if not, why not?
I like to meet new people. I tend to either get along with someone, or not, right away. I don’t do much small talk, or conversations about the weather, as most people I know find such topics more than slightly boring.
Do you trust people? Do you assume the best of people until they disappoint you, or do you assume the worst of people until they prove themselves worthy of your trust?
Trust? No. Trust is something that takes time and must be earned. I don’t distrust people any more than I trust, as I think that both positive and negative traits take time to reveal themselves.
Do these instincts serve you well, or would you like to be able to answer the above questions differently? In other words, are people more deserving of your confidence than your emotions will allow, or less deserving?
I think people tend to be as deserving of my emotions as I am of theirs. I am however, taking your usage of people to mean the generic person in multiple, and not the masses of humanity as a whole.
*I don’t mind meeting new people, provided it’s through friends or family. Even though my job requires a lot of networking in order to acquire new clients, that’s my least favorite part. Meeting new people through friends and/or family feels more normal. If I’m at a networking event, I’m often there for a purpose - to establish a business relationship with someone so we can share contacts, and hopefully that will mean that I can make more money down the line. Even though I rarely state something like that, just knowing that I wouldn’t be there if it weren’t for business bugs me for some reason.
*I usually assume the best of people. I’ve been disappointed a few times, like most people; however, I still have no reason not to assume the best.
*My instincts have served me fairly well so far. I can usually tell pretty quickly if I like someone or not, and if I should trust them, though my instincts have failed before. As for emotions, I rarely invest emotions on people I meet through business, unless they’re exceptionally friendly. Of course, I’m friendly myself in those situations, but I try not to expect anything of anyone in a networking situation. Even though the idea is that you’ll go, acquire more contacts and spread word of your business through referrals among those contacts, it’s not a good idea to go to an event like that expecting anything.
Hmmm . . . upon reading your clarificaiton, I don’t know if I agree with the catergory you put me in . . . You put me in the “People who dislike others because they believe others deserve to be disliked,” group, which I thought I agreed with, inasmuch as I do indeed dislike the subset of all people who deserve to be disliked.
If someone shows himself to be spiteful and untrustworthy, I don’t have the time of day for him. I don’t assume it’s a momentary lapse. I don’t give him the benefit of the doubt. I am very stingy with my second chances. If he apologizes, I might tentatively put him in the “not loathed” category, but it will take him a long time to build up any appreciable trust.
However, when I first meet someone, like I said in my first post, I assume that they’re decent and upright. Lucky for me, 90% of the people I meet fulfill those expectations. That’s part of the reason why I cut jerks off without a second thought. I’m extraordiarly lucky in that most of my coworkers and family are really nice people, as all of my friends (by definition). They demonstrate that it’s not all that hard to be a pretty good person, almost all of the time. So if somebody acts like I jerk, I just wave buh-bye and don’t look back. Life’s too short.
Do you like meeting people? If so, why, and if not, why not?
I don’t particularly like meeting people because I don’t really care about them. Although I do my best not to show that and act kind.
Do you trust people? Do you assume the best of people until they disappoint you, or do you assume the worst of people until they prove themselves worthy of your trust?
I trust people in general. If I didn’t know them well, I wouldn’t trust them with something important though.
Do these instincts serve you well, or would you like to be able to answer the above questions differently? In other words, are people more deserving of your confidence than your emotions will allow, or less deserving?
I don’t know if they serve me well, but I wouldn’t change them.
Do you like meeting people? If so, why, and if not, why not?
No. I like having friends and acquaintances but I hate the initial feeling-out process. I’m too shy and it’s annoying. Do you trust people? Do you assume the best of people until they disappoint you, or do you assume the worst of people until they prove themselves worthy of your trust?
I’m way too trusting. It’s never burned me but it will one day.
Do these instincts serve you well, or would you like to be able to answer the above questions differently? In other words, are people more deserving of your confidence than your emotions will allow, or less deserving?
Eh. I’d like to be more personable but it doesn’t really matter much. I still manage to make friends somehow.
I have to admit I’m pretty close to the OP on this one, right to the point of not wanting to be the way I am. I sometimes feel as if solitaryness is just a better bet, somehow.
The only thing I hate more than having to make an effort at meeting new friends is keeping after myself to keep up with old friends. It’s as if I always feel they’re strangers deep down - we can have great times together and it’s just never enough to change things… :rolleyes:
[ul][li]Do you like meeting people? If so, why, and if not, why not?[/li]
[li]Do you trust people? Do you assume the best of people until they disappoint you, or do you assume the worst of people until they prove themselves worthy of your trust?[/li]
[li]Do these instincts serve you well, or would you like to be able to answer the above questions differently? In other words, are people more deserving of your confidence than your emotions will allow, or less deserving?[/ul][/li][/quote]
It is too situationally dependent. Generally, unless there is a reason I want to meet them, then no, I do not like meeting them. Most people are pretty uninspiring.
Assume the worst of people until they prove themselves worthy of my trust.
People are less deserving of my confidence than my emotions will allow. Typically once every six months or so I will try to break out of my view that 95% of humans are barely working above the level of a base primate searching for food, sex, and shelter through whatever means their clever little primate brains can craft. I usually end up disappointed.
I guess I’m in the minority here. I’m fascinated by people and can’t get enough of them. I find people to be the most fascinating things on the planet. Even genuine assholes fascinate me. How did they get like that?
I don’t understand this business of people “deserving” to be liked. Maybe I’m misreading it. Either you like someone or you don’t. Deserving doesn’t enter into it.
Everyone’s got a story to tell. Generally when I meet someone new I just get them to talk about themselves. Usually there’s something interesting there. Over the past few years I’ve met Vietnam vets, Survivors of the Rwandan genocide, one of the first firemen at the pentagon on 9/11, cops, ex-cons and a bunch of other colorful characters. But even the lawyers, teachers, and ne’er do wells have something interesting going on.
As far as trusting people goes, I don’t understand the question. I’m pretty self sufficient, so not that many people could betray me even if they wanted to. But I’ve met few people who wanted to, if I understand the question. Are you talking about emotional betrayel?
Trust is something that comes with time. I give people the benefit of the doubt, but I don’t hand them my car keys or anything.
These instincts serve me okay. I tend to keep people at a distance. It’s not that I don’t trust them. I used to be approval-seeking and afraid to hurt people. I felt really misunderstood so I wanted to really understand people and really be there for them. I am really good at it, and I think I succeeded in really being a good friend to a lot of people for a long time but I always did it at my own expense.
At first when I realized that, I found out about asserting yourself and when I asserted myself, a lot of people no longer had a use for me. At first I just let the people drop out of my life like dead flies. But then I started to make friends on new terms. So I do not act out of pity. I feel empathy, but I don’t always act on it. I need to know someone is giving me something before I will give too much in the relationship. I need to respect people.
Most of the time, I meet people in business. I don’t have to take on a burden by liking them. I find that most people have something to offer. Most of the people I meet are middle aged men and they are almost never from my country. They usually have a lot of interesting experiences, and admirable achievements such as moving to Canada and starting a successful business, or working their way to success. I find that most of the people I meet every day inspire me and teach me things about life. So yes, I sure do like to meet people. It is a rewarding part of my life!
Yep, yep: my e-mail signature is a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson, “Every[one] I meet is in some way my superior.” It helps me remember that everyone has something to contribute, whether it’s obvious or not: every single person I meet knows something that I don’t, can do something that I can’t, etc. I absolutely believe it, and try to keep it in mind whenever anyone is getting on my nerves . . . I don’t always succeed, but I try.
Perhaps in the minority, but not alone. I generally like people, even though I’m a nervous wreck meeting people. Maybe it’s just that I’m so trusting that one would REALLY have to be a schmuck to take serious advantage of me, but it’s been rare that someone hasn’t proven worthy of my trust - then again, I’m also not handing out my car keys to just anyone.
I guess as far as trust goes I take the Reagan approach: Trust but verify. I don’t own a car so lending out the keys isn’t a problem ([sub]Anyone wanna loan me their car for the weekend? [/sub] ). I never loan anyone any amount of money that couldn’t disappear. (Once I gave a guy a hundred bucks. He gave it back 5 years later. I’d never said a word about it in the interval.) If I’m in any kind of deal I try to get as much paperwork as possible behind me.
As far as emotional betrayal goes, that’s tricky. I got burned enough in high school to learn caution, but not so much as to make me avoid human contact. I try to be emotionally self sufficient, though I don’t always succeed.
Do you like meeting people? If so, why, and if not, why not?
Yeah. I will talk to just about anyone. If I’m sitting alone in a full food place and someone is looking for a seat I’ll invite them to share my table and chat if they feel like it. I had my windscreen replaced last week and while waiting chatted to the guy running the shop about his business - it’s part of how I became a know-it-all. A couple of weeks ago there was a plumber digging up a leaking pipe at one of the units where I live. It looked like hot work and I asked him if he wanted a drink - something cold, cup of coffee. He had his lunch break and I made us coffee and sat outside with him and had a chat. I went to Brisbane last year for a Dopefest to meet some BrisDopers and a fine bunch they are.
Do you trust people? Do you assume the best of people until they disappoint you, or do you assume the worst of people until they prove themselves worthy of your trust?
Most people are pretty pleasant and I just assume the best. Sometimes I meet someone and have doubts about them but I would usually have little to do with someone like that until I decided that I did trust them.
[/sub] ). I never loan anyone any amount of money that couldn’t disappear. (Once I gave a guy a hundred bucks. He gave it back 5 years later. I’d never said a word about it in the interval.) If I’m in any kind of deal I try to get as much paperwork as possible behind me.