my life has been mostly miserable since we broke up. It was a really dumb rash decision to break up.
I guess what TheFaerie meant was that introverts don’t like to burden people, to cause a fuss, so therefore those exchanges are super duper anxiety causing so rather than think about having them at all in the fist place, we just suck it up and ‘go with the flow’.
For me I know if I hurt someone’s feelings even when I know it is in their best interests (e.g. even though they may not like what they hear I am being honest about my feelings and allowing them to move on), instead of telling myself “I don’t feel great about hurting them, but it’s for the best in the end” I will tell myself “You’re such a selfish bitch! How could you hurt someone like that for your own needs?! Don’t you know how much pain and trouble this is going to cause?!"
Could you possibly elaborate a little more than this…?
Why has it been miserable? What exactly do you regret? Do you miss her or do you just miss having someone?
Don’t want to go into many details but I do miss her a lot. I still see her and talk to her since our kids are still not on their own yet. But they will be in 3 more years. We get along fine, there is no fighting. She only lives a few miles away. She was very good to me by not asking for alimony.
I guess I am an outlier on this thread but I am usually an outlier so that’s pretty normal for me.
So why did you think you needed to end it?
What does one do when one’s spouse is on a high dose of antidepressants that render him incapable of even a mildly sexual thought, let alone engaging in the actual act? And since this is clinically diagnosed depression, the chances of remission are low.
Do we place too much emphasis on sexual monogamy? In an evolutionary sense, monogamy makes sense…but if my relationship will not lead to children (we are a gay couple) why must I not engage in an extracurricular foray occasionally, provided its done safely and does not lead to deeper emotional attachment?
Other than the fact that sex won’t happen more than three times a year, we get along awesomely. We have a comfortable life, shared and individual interests and supportive families. Am I just being a jerk?
Why not negotiate a monogamish relationship?
Thank you Hugosvoice, that is exactly what I meant. For some people it’s the hardest thing in the world to speak up and do what is best for ourselves. I’ve done it before, broken up with partners, but it was hard. And not a feeling I want to willingly put myself through again.
As filmore said, it is not just the sex part but lack of passion for one another.
Trying to remember a quote about sex in a marriage (never have, never will, gave up decades ago).
Something along the lines of:
If it is good, it is 10%; if it is bad, it is 60%.
It rang true to me at the time (40 years ago or so).
Forgive me but I don’t get it?
An amplification of “you don’t notice until something goes wrong”.
Think of your watch.
You don’t, do you, unless it stops working. Then you notice.
Basically sex is not important until it stops happening.
Ah, right. True!
I’ve asked this same question recently of a friend of my wife.
Background: Couple married for 8 years. Have two children ages, 6 and 4. Divorced 2 years ago. They all still live together in the same house, primarily to co-parent their kids. The couple are still great friends and get along great. They vacation together. They have separate bedrooms. They are not and have not dated other people. They expect to continue this arrangement until the kids grow up and move out.
I asked, why did you get a divorce. Her response (I’ve never met her ex-husband): They just didn’t feel like being married.
They’re lucky it was amicable. While I know I’m no longer in love with him (through no fault of his), he’s still head over heels for me. It’s going to kill him.
Do you think it’s going to come as a complete shock? I bet he knows on some level and it might be horrible but also a relief.
I honestly don’t think he does. We still have a great time together and I’m sure he thinks everything is fine. He’s always asking me how I’m feeling and I always say I’m fine because I’m not ready to say I’m not.
I feel like we have grown apart too. Not in the sense that we don’t enjoy one another’s company anymore, but that we have nothing in common and have become different people (I have anyway). Why is it so hard to say this to them? Sigh.
If he’s always asking how you’re feeling, it might be that he has an inkling. If he loves you so much, he probably knows you well enough to know something.