Are you really going to take advice from someone who doesn’t know their "your"s from their "you’re"s, OneLife?
But seriously, I have been here and I know what you’re going through. In 11 years, and even though our sex life was completely non existent, I had never been unfaithful. Then, I met someone else 9 months ago.
It was like being hit with a bolt of lightning. I had met many men in 11 years, many of whom I was naturally attracted to, but this guy was different. He was like the male version of me haha. Some might see that as a bad thing but it’s amazing the things we had in common. I’d never had that with my partner.
He got sick of me waiting around to make a decision and I’ve lost him now but that’s my stuff to deal with. Above I said there isn’t anyone else and there isn’t. Not anymore. Don’t be so quick to dismiss a strong feeling you might be having for someone else. I never let our relationship become physical but the emotional connection was off the chart.
This is also me. I was 21 when I met him (he was 38) and a completely different person. I have changed so much. He has stayed the same. There are no particulars or specifics, I have just changed. I worry about breaking up with him because he always wants particulars and specifics. Elaboration. But I can’t give it to him. It’s just a feeling.
I’m separated now. I wish I would have followed my instincts about 10 years ago and got out of my marriage. Instead I let it drag on, primarily because of the kids, but in retrospect I should have just pulled the plug 10 years ago. It would have been better for everyone. She walked out on me a couple of years ago and now I’m stuck with the house trying to pay bills, go to work, and trying to sell the place.
My wife and I are now in the infant stages of our divorce, we’ve both talked to lawyers but she has actually seen hers in person and I have my first actual physical in-office meeting with mine this week. We’re both still in the same house but don’t speak to one another or really interact with each other, other than relaying information that must be discussed. It has been nice in a sense in that there isn’t really the yelling there was before.
Two of our children are really too young to pick up on the social void that currently exists between Mom and Dad so that makes things easier. Even though we both agree we want a divorce it’s still been tough emotionally. I went through an extremely depressed episode for about a week but seem to have come out the other side but I know the depression will come and go we haven’t got to the big stuff like moving and such yet or court dates, it’s really just the beginning.
I do have cautious optimism though about the future and the more time goes by the more I let go of pain and anger and realize it really probably will be for the best once it’s done and the dust settles.
You don’t think you’ve grown apart…but…you’ve grown ‘away’! What? It sounds exactly like you HAVE grown apart. He’s the same but you’ve changed, by your own words!
You don’t know how to break up because he hasn’t done something terrible? Or, because if he did something terrible it would sure make this a lot easier for you?
Forgive me for being blunt but you seem to be agonizing over a way to blame him, as it’s the only way you’ll be comfortable exiting!
I’m going to go out on a limb and guess you have some people try to explain to you why a 20/37 age difference would be difficult to maintain. Probably pointing out that you were destined to grow in different ways over the ensuing years. Which has, pretty much played out as described.
You might not want to admit they were right all along. Or that you were blind/deaf concerning that advice. Or you just don’t want to fall into the cliche. None of which changes the actual reality.
That you have, very predictably, grown apart. But if you want to get through this with your mental health intact, you’ll have to own the truth. Wanting him to misbehave to save you having to take ownership in this is very immature. You’re not twenty now. Just own your shit and then move forward towards what you DO want. Now or ten years from now, you still gotta own your part in things I think.
Sorry, if that’s more opinion than you were looking for. Wishing you Good Luck moving forward at this difficult time!
Being in this sort of relationship myself, I know all of these feelings. But I think the larger is problem is that we all, collectively (at least the ones who are resigned/still waffling), have no idea how to approach our partners about it. There is nothing wrong, we aren’t being abused or mistreated or any of the things that seem would prompt a divorce, so we can’t point a finger and give our partners (children/relatives/friends) clear reasons that don’t sound lame. “Hey, I like you a lot, we have great things together, but I’m not happy/in love and I want to split up,” is easy to say, what’s hard is the followup questions, or the anticipation of the followup questions. I have a strong suspicion that most of the people who have posted here would self-identify as introverts, and often introverts have a huge problem rocking the boat. We don’t want to be seen as selfish, assholes, bitches, whatever, we just want the thing to be quietly resolved and get back to our own little worlds. Change is uncomfortable. Forcing change can seem nearly insurmountable.
We know what we have to do but we don’t know how to do it. This is exactly what I agonise over. I have no explanation. I have no reasons. It just is what it is.
I can hear them now “But how can you just fall out of love for no reason?” “If you don’t know what they’ve done to cause this, how can you be sure this is really what you want?” “Do you really want to throw away a good man for no good reason?” Arghhhh, my head hurts just thinking about them!
I am a massive introvert and hate being seen as the bad guy, so much so that I have begun therapy for it.
I can now see that what made it so much easier for my ex and I was that all of it was mutual. Neither one of us was the bad guy although she probably thinks of herself as the bad guy.
Anyway, we are nearing the ten year anniversary of our split and we still consider each other family and are best of friends. We typically get dinner together on our divorce anniversary. Her current boy friend and a previous boy friend of hers are friends of mine too.
It’s like pulling off the bandage. It’ll all be good when it’s done.
You’re right but I guess I always pictured growing apart as more of an external thing. You stop doing things together, you don’t hang out anymore. That’s not us. Sure we might not like all of the same things but we still get along very well and hang out every day. Clearly it is more of an internal thing.
While clearly it is our life and not theirs (I have heard way too many people say “So what if your partner/children/relatives/friends don’t understand? It’s not up to you to “sell it” to them”), these people aren’t the ones facing the follow up questions. You can’t just ignore these people who love you and not give them answers.
For me leaving means selling my house and starting from scratch, possibly even losing a lot of money, so in the eyes of my partner, friends and relatives, I’m going to have to have a damn good reason, and if it’s not a huge one then it can be “worked on”. :rolleyes: “I just don’t love him anymore” isn’t good enough for some.
Sorry for the spamming, it seems I only have mere minutes to edit a post.
It was hard. I’m the bad guy and probably a coward from her perspective, but I muddled my way through it. I’m much happier as a result. I hope that some day she will be happier, too.
Hmmm…I’m an introvert and always had a lot of difficulties breaking up (I mean even after dating for a couple months someone I don’t feel extremely close to).
What you wrote is intriguing, but I still have doubts about it being related. After all, it’s difficult to hurt someone’s feeling by saying “I’m leaving” for (mostly) everybody, the following exchanges, and question are going to be uncomfortable moments for (again mostly) everybody. Why would being introvert or not be that important in that regard?
