I have a very successful marriage. It includes keeping my wife posted on my comings and goings. As she does for me.
Judging from the OP’s objections it appears she needs to go out unannounced and untracked mostly to obtain some sanity in an otherwise non-harmonious relationship.
My unsolicited advice: Fix the cause, not the symptoms.
Yeah,. that’s the other thing. She isn’t asking for personal things, she is asking for household items that are needed!
It’s not about who does them so much as when. Thinking you will dash out for a quick errand and only then learning you will not be back for hours is inconvenient.
Lucky for me, that scenario is not something that would ever happen in my current living situation, as both my SO and my daughter enter into a fugue state just as they are about to pour out the last of the milk, shampoo, coffee, etc. Even minutes later, they will have no recollection of what has occurred and will respond to queries about the item’s status with a blank stare. For them, “normal” is to use the last of an item that is needed daily, make do without it for several days, and forget to buy it while at the exact place that sells it. I take a more proactive approach and stockpile backups, knowing that even when directly asked if we need milk or something they will have no idea.
This never happens to you, but you are upset because it could potentially happen, apparently to other people living other lives?
And it’s only the woman who ever does it, never the man, apparently.
In my household, it’s mostly him who asks for four things when I say “I’m just running to the store”.
sounds like me.
some days i take the ghost, leave w/o fussing with goodbyes when departing i slip out, just go away…
Actually, it started when I was a teenager. I’d tell my parents when I was going out, of course, and naturally they’d want to know where I was going, who with, when I’d be back, etc. Perfectly normal things for parents to want to know, but they also disapproved of most activities, so I’d have to deal with their negative judgment. Then if I agreed to call or be back by some particular time and wasn’t able to, they would worry and I hated to think of them staying up worrying about me, so I quit agreeing to keep them informed of my whereabouts. Though they weren’t happy about this, it didn’t take long for them to get used to the new situation and I think it worked out better for all of us.
Years later, we had a business that required constant baby-sitting. There were endless errands to run and someone always had to mind the store. Obviously we were stuck having to keep each other posted and whoever was out got to enjoy their “break” gathering supplies. After everything took longer than it should have, they’d be greeted with complaints about their extended absence.
But those days are over, and I refuse to feel compelled to report in and out! In fact, I made it a condition of my relationship and my SO is totally on board, so we do live in harmony.
I only said “her” because I was continuing the dialogue. I am more likely to ask for stuff when someone else goes to the store and I am a woman, but I don’t think that has anything to do with it.
And harmony’s all that really matters; the rest is details. Congrats.
With just my wife and myself in the house, yes. If it’s a weekend morning and she’s still asleep, I’ll leave a note.
When I was living in a house with friends, no.
To me it is a matter of respect.
It is just my wife and me now but I came from a family of 7 and raised 3 boys. If family members just disappeared and something came up and you needed help, information, or to go somewhere it would leave you in the dark as to when the missing person would return or where you could contact them. Should you hold dinner for a missing person? or just eat without them? Do you set back a plate for when they got home? now what?
If my wife does not get home at her normal time, is she just working late? Did something happen on the drive home? when we had older cars did it break down (yes she did have to walk on the freeway once to reach a phone). If she gets home and I am not there what now? Prepare supper or am I bring something home?
Life is so much easier when you know what is going on around you. It is not a matter of getting permission but respect.
This. You figure out what works for you both as you go along.
With my wife and me, our general rule is: if one of us is going to stop at a particular store already, then the other should feel free to add to the list of things to get at that store. The other is free to suggest stops at other stores that are nearby or on the way, but only to the extent that it’s not too much hassle for the one doing the shopping.
If I’m already stopping by Food Lion for just two items, ballooning the list to 15 items isn’t going to make the overall trip that much longer, because most of the time involved in the errand will still be time in transit, not time in the store. But adding another stop will add a lot more in both time and complication than picking up extra items in a place you’re already at. So adding extra stops is always at the discretion of whoever’s running the errands. That’s what works for us.
It just seems, AnaMen, that you’ve got a crummy model, from your parents, of how things like this are supposed to work. Being in a relationship with a spouse or SO is a cooperative and mutually beneficial relationship, not a form of bondage slavery.
Most of us let our SOs know of our comings and goings because we’re weaving this web of life together, a web that ranges from the practical (do I include my SO in my plans for my next meal?) to the consequential (if anything’s happened to him/her, I’m gonna feel like the world’s caved in, so if s/he’s gone for six hours, I want to know whether that was to be expected, or whether their car’s in a ditch somewhere). And having an idea of what your fellow weaver is up to, helps you weave your part in a way that harmonizes.
Thinking back on my single days, when I had casual roommates, it was different of course. When roommates were friends rather than life partners, coming and going wasn’t such a big deal. If your housemate was there when you were going out, you’d usually say something, but if not, it was no big deal if you didn’t leave a note.
The one exception, at least as far as I was concerned, was if the housemate was intending to be away for several days. If someone’s living with you, even if your lives are largely separate, you still want to know when they’d planned to be away, or whether you should alert the police. I only had one housemate that disappeared for days without telling me, but he didn’t stay a housemate for very long.
Nope; I have a spouse, but I’m in and out without any words of warning, greeting, whatever. I don’t alert him when I’m on the way back, either. He’s used to me suddenly appearing and disappearing.
I’m pretty sure he tells me when he’s in and out, but if I’m working at home, I don’t pay all that much attention to outside distractions (except when the cat is trying to tear down the door like an enraged sasquatch). Doesn’t bother me in the least if I discover I’m home alone.
Me: used to being on my own for about 8 or 9 years prior to this marriage
Him: bachelor until three years ago when we got married (he was about 45 at the time).
It would drive me nuts if I had to check in or out with him.
Why would it drive you nuts? You make it almost sound like it’s asking for permission. That’s not what we are talking about.
My Wife and I always let each other know. As others have said, it’s just common courtesy. We never shop together, but we divy it up pretty well. And we can communicate well enough to understand the diffrence between picking up some batteries, and something else if one of us needs it, or do you have a list?
If you like people knowing where you are and when to expect you back, great, but there is nothing inherently discourteous about just freely living your life and coming and going as you please. It has nothing to do with asking permission. Some people like to retain a sense of independence and having to tell someone else your whereabouts and such impinges upon that.
Married with two kids (7 and 2). We always inform the other where/when we’ll be out, because it is both courteous and often necessary to make plans one or the other has work. If I want to go out, but my wife has rehearsal for her community band, I can’t just get up and leave, or the kids will have no one to look after them. If I’m going to have to stay late at work, or so forth, it’s fine. We generally alternate who goes out with friends because it’s too expensive to get a sitter every week, so one will generally stay home while the other goes out, though we do have nights out together, though those need to be coordinated in advance because we’ll need a sitter.
However, even before we had kids, it was simple courtesy.
I always tell my cat when I’m leaving and what time I expect to be home. She’s come to expect it.
To reiterate others’ questions, how does telling someone, “Hey, taking off for a bit - bye!” impinge on independence? Unless your wife uses that as an opportunity to attempt to forbid you from leaving, it’s just standard courtesy.
In my experience, leaving without first indicating that you are doing so is the equivalent of giving someone the finger. Most people I know who leave without first saying they’re on their way are doing so because they’re so pissed they can’t speak.