When I lived with family, yes. Of course you let them know if you are leaving and approximate return time. It’s common courtesy, not asking permission.
When I lived with roommates, it just depended on the situation. One of my roommates always had dinner ready when I got home. If for some reason I wasn’t coming straight home after work, I would let him know. Or if we had plans for the weekend, I would check in sometime midweek to confirm.
If you leaving depends upon telling someone else, you really don’t see how that impinges upon independence?
Plus it invites others to ask where you are going, when you’ll be back, etc. Responding “none of your business” is rude, claiming you don’t know when you do is lying, and giving your best estimate commits you to sticking to that, reporting changes, or needlessly worrying others. Now you are stuck on a guilt leash, independence only a memory.
If you are only around people who would leave without telling others when they are angry, then I guess that’s what it means when they do it, but it is not the only reason anyone would.
Live with grown children. Tell them when I’m going out. That way they don’t suddenly find I’m gone and worry that I’ve been abducted by time travellers. They do the same.
They don’t have to ask where I’m going or how long because that’s usually part of the statement. Like - “heading out to do some errands, might be a couple of hours, last stop is the grocery store” or “heading to visit X - don’t wait up.” Which lets them say, “I bought milk and peanut butter on the way home - you can scratch that off your list” or “did you feed the dog or do I need to do that?”
If they were off doing something and I went to run errands, I wouldn’t inform them because they’d never know I’d been gone. No impact on them. If they were off and I was doing something that would probably keep me out longer than they’d be away, I’d either leave a note or text them.
That’s just it - I can leave without telling him, but it actually eases my leave-taking if I tell him before just taking off. I’ve got nothing to hide and no reason not to tell my husband where I’m going. Is your issue others’ expectations? As in, the fact that many people consider it common courtesy? Because I just can’t see telling someone basic information about where I’m going as a recipe for some sort of argument - it actually helps me avoid them quite nicely.
I can’t fathom the idea of choosing to live in an intimate relationship with someone and share quarters and then resent the idea of informing them when you’re going out.
Part of the purpose of living with someone is that there’s s person who is there full time to make sure at the very least that you haven’t died unnoticed. How are they supposed to know when to start checking the morgue?
If I’m dead, what’s it to me if anyone notices? I don’t live with someone so they can discover my remains in a timely fashion. What a weird reason not to live alone.
If I die while out and about, probably some stranger would find me which would be preferable anyway, and the longer the person I live with gets to live their life in unworried blissful ignorance of my demise, the better. Why cheat them out of a few hours of happiness?
If it’s easier for you to speak before leaving, that’s exactly what you should do.
Others’ expectations come into play, yes. If I say I’m going to the grocery store, I’d reasonably be expected back in an hour or so. If I then decide to do other things and do not return for several hours, I may come home to people disappointed that I was not there to help them with something or eat dinner or whatever. I hate disappointing people and leading them to expect nothing is way easier than fulfilling a bunch of expectations you let happen.
Or you say “I’m going to the grocery. I might not hurry back. Don’t plan on me!”
Why can’t that just be implied by my departure every time?
I honestly could not possibly care less what you tell people when you leave, if anything. But the assertion that if other people communicate their whereabouts they are about to slide down a slippery slope made of melted ice cream and tears is simply ludicrous.
Is your daily life completely with out structure or plan? Sure, not everything has a timetable, nor should it. But most things do.
In my own case, I have to know that my wife is aware that I’m leaving. We have a young child, and I can’t leave until my wife acknowledges (verbally or non-verbally) that she is the caretaker until I return.
You want your departure to imply that you’re going to the grocery store but you might not hurry back so don’t plan on you? Oddly specific.
Me, I have this thing called a cell phone, so if I say I’m going to the grocery store but then I decide to fuck off for 4 hours, I call or text people who might be wondering about my whereabouts.
Part of being an adult is that when you tell someone you’re going to be somewhere at a certain time, you’re there even if something more fun pops up in the interim.
You do realize that letting people know you’re leaving and when you are expected back doesn’t cheat them out of a few hours of happiness nearly as often as it saves them “my husband (son, daughter, mother) was supposed to leave work at 5 and should have been home at six. I got home at 6:30, it’s now 11 and I haven’t heard from him (her) Should I start calling the hospitals?”
You may have the sort of relationships where no one would worry if they woke up one day and didn’t see or hear from you for a few days, but I don’t think most people living with family or SOs do.
I generally have a few potential plans kicking around, but I try to avoid making unnecessary commitments or announcing them. Most things I do do not have a timetable and I like it that way.
I’m not trying to convince others to change their ways. If people that live together all like to keep tabs on each other, that’s exactly what they should do, but people that don’t live this way are not necessarily inconsiderate jerks.
What difference does it make where they think I am? Whatever eases their minds is fine with me.
If I say I will be somewhere at a certain time, I will do everything in my power to make that happen. Which is exactly why I say it as little as possible. A lot of flaky people are quick and eager with false promises about where they will be when, but do not follow through. It’s easy to make and announce plans when you feel no pressure to keep them.
I live with a spouse and cats, and we always check out when we leave. Sometimes it’s a delayed-action checkout (the spouse mostly does this–he says he’s going to get his hair cut or run other errands sometime in the afternoon, then just leaves without telling me when he actually does it) but we always let each other know when we’ll be gone.
We both have Find My Friends enabled on our iPhones, though, so if need be we can “stalk” each other.
It isn’t 1980, so why not send the “missing” person a text and ask them if they are alive rather than work yourself into a tizzy?
Leading others to believe you will be home by a certain time is what leads to worry when you aren’t. If you never created the expectation in the first place, then not showing up is normal and unworrisome. If you are “always” home at six, then you ought to tell others if you won’t be, but personally I’d never let myself get into such a predictable rut.
:shrug: Whatever floats your boat. May I ask if you are married or live with a SO?
Part of commitment to another is interest in their life and concern for their welfare. If my Wife did not want me to know what she was doing or when she would be home, that would cause friction. And it would concern me if she had no interest in what I was doing. YMMV.
We both have very long ‘leashes’, and don’t keep tabs on each other. There is a girls night out about once a month or so with friends. She lets me know if that’s what she is doing. Not only so I don’t worry, but so I can plan. Likewise, I will have beers at a friends house and stay over (it’s in another town, and I’d rather not drink and drive). Sometimes, I’ll be gone the whole weekend if I end up needing to see/help my elderly Mother. I let her know so she can plan. It’s only fair.
That’s fine if they answer- but I can’t imagine that a person who objects to telling their housemates when they leave and when they will be back as a matter of principle would answer that text.