I am currently a categorical internal medicine intern, and becoming severely depressed. I enjoy internal medicine but really am more passionate about rheumatology, and right now am having a really hard time getting through the day. I am on ICU, and despise it. I really don’t find anything interesting about critical care medicine (I think I would enjoy it if my position were more about learning and less about being everyone’s bitch) and I’m constantly demoralized every day because
- I work 14-16 hrs/day 6 days/week
- I’m always getting criticized. I don’t objectively think I am a bad intern, maybe not the best, but I am really bad at handling criticism and take it very heavily. I have this nagging fear that I am actually incompetent and everyone is better than me at everything and everyone is talking behind my back about how bad I am at this.
I think I could handle one or the other, but both together are almost breaking me. I am baseline pretty dysthymic, and have had episodes of significant depression during intern year before, but this is worse than anything else.
I know intellectually that this will pass, that I shouldn’t consider ending my career (or in moments of melodrama, my life) over a 4 week rotation that was hard. Last month I was on rheumatology, which was delightful and I loved life. I had to stay late some days (although not as often as my current 80+ hour weeks) but I enjoyed it, and felt fulfilled. So i know that I don’t hate all fields of medicine, but I have TWO MORE YEARS of internal medicine (which is mostly inpatient medicine, about which I am lukewarm) before I get to move on.
Also I live in a wonderful city and love my life when not working, so I know intellectually I have things to live for, but still. . .
Could anyone offer any advice? I know you all have been through this (and worse). I really need some coping tips. On top of all this, I am starting to hate myself more for getting so easily depressed and upset and being so sensitive.
Thank you for reading.
Also I would love to see someone professional, but honestly with my schedule it’s almost impossible.