Does he get a second chance?

In My Humble Opinion
1

So, I started dating this guy (we’ll call him Jason, because that’s his name) in early February. After almost a year of relative celibacy, I was extremely nervous to be dating again. Was prodded by one of my best friends to give the guy a chance.

I fell pretty quickly for him. Smart, attractive, a Jewish doctor (well, kinda sorta)… nothing NOT to like, other than the minor pet peeve.

So, we’ve been going out for five weeks or so, and he insists on coming to see my chorus perform, and to meet my friends. All is well and good. Only, the night he goes, I get into an argument with aforementioned best friend. Fights with this person are few and far between (as in, we’ve had maybe two in four years), and I was hysterical by the time I met Jason at the stage door.

Still, he knew how important this friend was to me.

We get to the after party, and I try to calm down. A half hour later, said best friend walks in the door, and immediately comes over to make sure I’m okay (he had heard from some mutual friends how upset I was). Jason’s first move is to refuse to shake best friend’s hand, and to offer to “take this outside”.

Not wanting to make a scene, best friend backed off, eyes burning with hurt. I made Jason leave the party, didn’t speak to him for a month. Apoligized over and over to best friend. We’re fine now.

Jason begged my forgiveness; said he was completely enamored with me, and had made a mistake.

We went out for dinner last night for the first time since March. Things went okay; we had a good time. No mention of best friend, or the infamous party.

Does this guy get a second chance, or was his mistake unforgivable? Best friend is a person I have a professional relationship as well, which Jason could have put into serious jeopardy… Still, there’s something about him that makes me want to keep him in my apartment and never let him go…

2

Let the dead past bury their dead. It sounds like everybody’s willing to leave this behind, so go with that.

3

Well, it depends on whether you want to date a guy who will fight like that. One act is forgivable, but chances are he will do it again, don’t you think? So it is really a matter of whether you can handle the situation again sometime with someone else. Sounds like kind of a volatile guy to me.

4

He saw you were hysterically upset and wanted to go after the person who hurt you. Unless there are other indications that he tends towards violence, I suspect he was just smitten and overdoing the Big Macho Man thing a bit. Actually, you not talking to him for a month seems a bit much.

5

I agree with Gaudere. I’m not sure what all was involved in your being “hysterically upset,” or what on earth drove you there, but it sounds like the guy was trying to deal with your histrionics as best he could.

6

Best friend is a conductor; I screwed up the order of his music by mistake, he freaked out on me post-concert.

Thanks for the advice so far. What I’m most uncomfortable with is telling the best friend that I’m back with the guy.

7

Best Friend will understand if this is just a case of bad judgement on Jason’s part. People do stupid shit sometimes. It is forgiveable in my book. However, if Jason exhibits this type of behavior regularly, Best Friend might give you a big fat “I told you so”.

I would go out with Jason a couple more times, and then plan an outing with the three of you so Best Friend can see why you’re so wild about Jason.

8

Gotta agree with this 100%.

In fact, it seems your best friend went over the top freaking out on you. Your boyfriend was merely protecting you. If your friend doesn’t understand, remind him why you fought in the first place and that his actions were ALSO just as out of line and if you can forgive him for freaking out on you, he can forgive boyfriend for freaking out on him.

This isn’t a major offence by any standards. I’m sure after a nice little ADULT conversation everyone can let bygones be bygones, if not then there are some maturity issues with those who still have a problem (and you should then highly consider ending the relationship with whoever that might be).

Good luck, with a nice quick conversation and a couple apologies, things can be settled quite easily.

9

I say it is forgivable. It can be hard to learn what is expected of you early on in a relationship, especially when emotions are running high. He deserves a second chance… but not a third. If he overreacts again after being informed such behavior is not welcome, I would let him go. No one is perfect and there are always cases of stepping on toes while you figure out what is expected of one another. But now that he knows where your toes are, he shouldn’t step on them again.

I had a rocky start to my own relationship (I am too lazy to post a link to the thread, but it was called “a very long internet dating story, potentially sad ending”) as we stepped all over each other’s toes. And we took a lot longer than a month to get past it. We didn’t talk for two months, then only talked as friends for another three months. But now we are madly in love and talking about getting married next year. Best of all, we know where each other’s toes are and things are beautiful. Oddly enough, his name also happens to be Jason. :slight_smile:

10

I guess I’m the only one seeing a big red flashing light here.

Just an opinion, of course, but I’m guessing Jason has done this kind of thing before.

See him again if you like, but I predict Bad Things[sup]©[/sup].

11

No offense, but Jason seems the least suspect in this triumvirate.

12

Wait, but “take this outside?” Like, hey pal, lets go work things out via fisticuffs in the alley out back? This kind of macho posturing would make me wonder. What kind of person by the time they’re old enough to be out of med school goes out for brawling? Ok, not MY cup of tea, but I can’t handle the threat of violence in my vicinity. Touchy that way. I don’t see where it was his business, either (recent girlfriend’s other personal relationships-- he is allowed to comfort, but to insert himself into the drama?). BUT I wouldn’t call all of this a deal breaker-- I’d make sure he understands that you’re not into macho posturing (unless, of course, you are) and move on.

13

If I cared about someone, and someone else had messed with them to the point that they were hysterical, I’d consider threats of physical violence. Of course, it would be a bad idea to engage in actual violence, but saying “you want to take this outside” as a way of getting the person to go the hell away, sure. But, to make someone hysterical, they’d have to have done something really bad, right? If you’re in the habit of becoming hysterical over minor things, you might want to let Jason know that you tend to overreact, and he shouldn’t take your emotional state too seriously. From there, he can go to being an inattentive partner who doesn’t give a crap about how you feel.

Honestly, Jason was trying to be your knight in shining armor, and he’s getting punished for it. The poor man. (Unless, of course, you were saying to him “No, no, it’s okay, my friend and I are going to make up now.” But I still wouldn’t blame him for being confused) I think you own Jason an apology. And you ought to apologize to your friend on Jason’s behalf, after which Jason should apologize to your friend as well. And then things ought to be hunky dory.

14

First you are hysterical, and then after he tries to defend you, albiet inappropriately, you refuse to speak to him for a month. And now you wonder if you should fogive him, as opposed to him forgiving you.

The best thing you could do for him is to not forgive him and cut him out of your personal life, so as to force him to move on, hopefully to someone who does not behave in that manner.

15

Sounds to me like he just misjudged the severity of the situation and tried to make an overblown chivalrous gesture, but it could also be a sign of underlying violent tendencies that he normally keeps under tight check.
You’ve got to work out whether this is part of a pattern of ingrained behaviour, or whether it’s just one of those ‘brain fart’ moments we all have where we do absurdly-out-of-character things. Does Jason seem genuinely perplexed regarding his own behaviour?

16

Agree with muffin. The person who caused this problem is the OP. She’s the one all out of line here.

If the guy’s normally a calm sort from a calm background and the OP is given to hysterics, he’s gonna react as if the hysterics were real behavior, not just over-acting. Especially the first time he sees it.

if I was King, I’d order everybody involved to apologize, but require everybody to admit to the others that their actions caused confusion in the others. Then I’d tell them to start out fresh and hope for the best.

And if I was the Jason, I’d dump the OP in a heartbeat if she pulled that hysterical routine again. Children and adults make lousy couples.

17

Take this outside? People still say that? I’m amazed.

For me, if Jason had seen this in a movie somewhere, and the incident with your friend was the first time in his entire life that this popped out of his mouth, then I would chalk it up to being smitten with you and an attempt to make a (misguided) gesture to win your affection. I would forgive.

If he’s done this before, or you suspect he might do this in the future, then I vote for no second chance.

I’m opposed to that sort of fighting in theory, I suppose, but what really gets me about what he did is that HE is not the arbiter of YOUR relationships. He should be getting his cues about your friends from you, not setting the tone himself. If your friend walked over, and YOU wanted to take him outside, well have at it, and it would have been nice of Jason to come out to back you up if necessary. Okay, okay, I don’t support fighting in that case either, but still … you’re perfectly capable of telling your friend to buzz off (or not), aren’t you?

18

No. Do not give Jason another chance. Never see him or speak to him again. Then you and “best friend” can continue your drama queen pageant without Jason being further shat upon.

19

:rolleyes:

LSLguy, I wouldn’t describe myself as “given to hysterics”. I was upset, but I’m a big girl, and could have handled my problem on my own. I guess I shouldn’t have even mentioned the whole thing to Jason.

And for the record, my hytsterics were not at being yelled at by my friend; they were being mad at myself for screwing up the music enough to cause his wrath.

20

I agree with Scumpup, your rolleyes notwithstanding.

Anyway, guys who “take it outside” aren’t fighters. Fighters punch. Guys who “take it outside” stand there going, “throw the first punch. . .come on you pussy, throw the first punch.”