And other things you never thought you’d say until you had a kid.
What are yours?
No, the cat does NOT like it when you put your finger in her ass!
“Don’t put the Blue Elephant in the Cat Food”
To this day, we can’t find one of the two blue elephants from the Noah’s Ark set.
“Don’t eat the Experiment”
I had buttons made up with this when I ran a hands-on science course for kids, and repeated it to them several times. The stuff they were working with wouldn’t cause anything sereious, but I didn’t need vomiting or diarrhea in the room.
“Hey, you guys, lets make macaroni necklaces!”
“Teague’s defenestrating his toys!”
Mrs Piper: “He’s been upstairs for a while and it’s pretty quiet.”
Piper: “Yes, but the Riders are on!”
I saw the thread title and immediately thought of Mr. Legend’s favorite: “Don’t throw the dog at your sister!” (She didn’t.)
You did not see a dinosaur.
We are not moving to Greece.
.
Yes, Daddy’s car can go to sleepy by itself. You don’t need to go out and give it a hug.
Don’t put peas in your ear.
Why is Bob the Builder in the teapot?
Nobody wants to see your nappy.
No, even though the daddy seahorse carries the babies in his tummy, it doesn’t mean that seahorses are mammals.
Yes, pea soup is green. No, you can’t soak a towel in it to simulate a football field for your toys.
“Stop licking your plate!” Said at a nice restaurant.
Also, I don’t recall turning the [ex]wife down for sex because I’m too tired before we had children.
“Please don’t hug the bread.”
“No summoning the demons before bed,” and, “Don’t hex your sister,” are two of my favorites. (pagan kids)
mine was: WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR EYEBROWS! (she shaved them off, had to use eyebrown pencil to draw them back in for the next 2 weeks)
Take your fingers out of my nose!
My butt is not a table!
Well, when ARE you supposed to summon the demons, then?
Does so!
Only during daylight hours, and after your homework is done. 
From Lamentations of the Father, by Ian Frazier.
Obviously Frazier has never had Enchanted Broccoli Forest.